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All My XXXs Live in Texas

06/20/2013 04:30 pm ET | Updated Aug 20, 2013

What is it with the Great Southwest and masturbation?

A few years ago, 58-year-old Oklahoma Judge and father of three Donald Thompson was arrested for -- and convicted of -- masturbating on the bench. The whooshing sound of His dis-Honor's penis pump finally gave him away during a murder trial, and Thompson was convicted on multiple counts of indecent exposure and sentenced to four years in prison.

One wonders if the unfortunate perps convicted by his Honor the Perv are eligible for new trials -- ones before a judge who keeps both hands visible on the bench.

Just this week, as the House of Representatives considered a bill that effectively bans most abortions after 20 weeks, Texas Congressman and former ob-gyn Michael Burgess declared on the floor of the House that male fetuses masturbate, and that since they feel pleasure, they feel pain, and, hence, abortion should not be allowed.

Said Burgess: "Watch a sonogram of a 15-week baby, and they have movements that are purposeful. They stroke their face. If they're a male baby, they may have their hand between their legs. If they feel pleasure, why is it so hard to believe that they could feel pain?"

Uuummmm. Putting aside the un-logical leaps in reasoning and also putting aside serious questions about the curriculum of the University of Texas Medical School, one has to ask, what about female fetuses? Don't they masturbate? (To be fair, Burgess never used the M word). Since that behavior is so un-lady-like as to be unconceivable, are female fetuses exempt from this abortion ban?

Or, what about fetuses less than 15 weeks old of either sex? Since they don't M-word, it is permissible under Texas rules of sexual deportment to abort them?

And what if the 15-week old fetus that is carried to term? If they are touching themselves between their legs in a sonogram in full view of sonogram techs, nurses and physicians, are they guilty of indecent exposure for showing their pokey like Judge Thompson and thus liable for four years in the pokey?

As Will Rogers said, "... the thing about my jokes is that they don't hurt anybody... But with Congress -- every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke."

And so it is with our Congress and the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, except that I'm not laughing. Hopefully the voters of Texas will laugh Congressman Burgess and his colleagues out of office.