It's vital for mindful acts of emotional and spiritual intimacy to steadily develop as a daily practice for healthy sex. To that end, Center for Healthy Sex has created daily meditations to help you reach your sexual and relational potential. (You can subscribe for free here.)
Even momentarily concentrating on healthy solutions rewires psychological patterns to receive and share healthy sexual love in the present. Here are three meditations with the themes of talking dirty, quickies, and fairy tales for you to ponder and practice this week.
Meditation 1: Talking Dirty
"I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty." -- John Waters
To liberate sexual expression beyond the shackles of social propriety can create an exciting state of arousal. This may take many forms, such as stretching personal boundaries through various sex acts or role play. To feel this complicity with a partner, or for a partner to be willing to play this role, may be especially gratifying. Is there a way for lovers to participate in riskier sex play and emerge the healthier for it?
Of course, the definition of obscenity fluctuates, as today's entire culture might seem taboo to previous generations. When two people are connected, smut becomes the language of love, not just a pornographic exercise or act. To take the language of smut into the realm of neurobiology, while the construct of most language is a left-brain activity, so-called curse words are often the language of the right brain, representing spontaneous emotional content struggling for expression.
To relate is to connect. Strictly wholesome communication can sometimes come across as preachy, staid, or controlling. Many times we hear of good people with good intentions trying to practice new, healthy communication skills with teenage children, who will have none of it. "Stop speaking only in self-help!" To truly connect with others, we must cultivate a shared language that neither party controls, and in which all may feel fully engaged and safely understood. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with any style of speaking or acting provided it's harmless and consensual, and if occasionally acting smutty or talking dirty helps both lovers to connect in a more arousing and truly heartfelt way then yes, swear with care.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Take one minute alone to unleash an impulsive string of obscenity and kinky thoughts. How does this make you feel? Some might feel aroused, others uncomfortable. Concentrate on these feelings -- could they correspond to any emotional event in your past or present? Mentally release yourself from that weight for today.
- Are you dominating or being dominated in personal communication? How do standards of expression play out in your life? Find common ground today in all of your interactions, and rather than getting stuck in one-sided conversation (or sexual contact), seek out ways to uniquely and truly relate to your companion.
Meditation 2: Quickies
"For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook." -- Quentin Crisp
Quickies often speak to impatience -- with people and circumstances. Whether single or in a committed relationship, a passionate sexual conquest with an equally-willing partner represents one area where it seems possible to exert personal control. The allure of wild, hot, spontaneous sex gives the wonderful illusion that life is working out. It can be very trying to be present for others who are confusing or draining if you don't possess the tools to both set boundaries and sustain your arousal, or when you get stuck somewhere you don't want to be, such as the congested traffic of freeways or mind states. We want life to hurry up, we don't have time to wait -- let's just get to the good stuff!
Let's face it: People don't always want to go through the rigmarole of relating, connection, intimacy, or even interaction. It's why fast food is so popular -- people don't really want to interact with a waiter or take the time to shop for groceries and plan a meal themselves. They just want to grab it, eat it, and be done. A lot of times when we think we're saving time and trouble, often by not practicing care and mindfulness, we're actually creating more time and trouble in the long run. It's like taking a short cut, but it leads in the wrong direction from where you really want to go. We all really want to receive the benefits from acts of intimacy and deep caring, but we often take the short cut to convenience and momentary relief then find that we're even farther from intimacy and deep caring.
Daily healthy sex acts
- Take a moment to consider where you are taking shortcuts in life, and whether or not these shortcuts lead you to your goals. For instance, if you want to save money for a vacation, then how do your daily spending habits support your savings?
- Do you take shortcuts in relating to others? If you desire healthy relationships, then support this desire by taking the time to connect with the people in your life.
Meditation 3: Fairy Tales
"Obsessed by a fairy tale, we spend our lives searching for a magic door and a lost kingdom of peace." -- Eugene O'Neill
Fairy tale love is the idea of some perfected relationship that was destined to be. It's easy to forget the deep conflicts and dangers that fairy tales underscore. If fairy tales were to honestly inform our choices, then true love would require early abandonment, voluntary isolation, dubious acquaintances, dangerous tests, fatal mistakes, vanquished evil and sometimes terrifying sacrifice. Isn't it interesting that most lovers only choose to focus on the perfect happy ending from the fairy tale template for achieving a heart's desire?
Are fairy tales real and applicable to our lives? Certainly in a deeply psychological manner, fairy tales express universal inner experiences in symbolic language. One common message they share is that regardless of circumstance and appearance, we are each of us involved in an incredibly meaningful story in which every moment is vital and every action has consequences. This doesn't mean any of us should go slay the neighborhood monster or devote our lives to a lover held hostage by another. One of the most dangerous pitfalls of romantic relationships is to become lost through the misinterpretation of reality... as fairy tales so often tell us!
Daily healthy sex acts
- Seek out real, solid information today. Ask follow-up questions to settle any vagueness in all relationships.
- Find your way out of the maze of any misunderstandings to find the amazement in shared values, shared goals, and shared lives.
For more by Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.