It's vital for mindful acts of emotional and spiritual intimacy to steadily develop as a daily practice for healthy sex. To that end, Center for Healthy Sex has created daily meditations to help you reach your sexual and relational potential. (You can subscribe for free here.)
Even momentarily concentrating on healthy solutions rewires psychological patterns to receive and share healthy sexual love in the present. Here are three meditations with the themes of love, family, and discovery for you to ponder and practice this week.
Meditation 1: Love
"Your task is not to seek for love,
but merely to seek and find
all the barriers within yourself
that you have built against it."
Poets and scholars have pondered the meaning of love from the beginning of time, so ask yourself what love means to you today. The Greeks delineated three types of love: Agape, Philios, and Eros. Agape is a love that is so deep and profound it exemplifies and includes the universe; it is a feeling that emerges from inside our being that encompasses the depth of our soul. Philios is the love we feel for our friends, the warm, familial softness that brings security, laughter and kindness to our lives. Romantic love, the result of cupid's arrow, is the love that has started wars, moves mountains, and has star-crossed lovers, like Romeo and Juliet, dying for one another. Eros is passionate, sexual and like a powerful drug. It sends us into a swoon and sometimes out of our right minds. It inoculates us to flaws or imperfections in our lovers so that we bond and go forward into commitments of everlasting love, which is necessary for building a family.
"Love" is a score of zero in the game of tennis, pointing to the possibility that when we're in love the score is even and all is well. How often do we keep score in love relationships? This "tit for tat" score-keeping holds the ball in play so that we don't have to look at ourselves. When contempt, defensiveness, blame, and shame are in the forefront of a couple's style of relating, then divorce is surely on the horizon. Conversely, utterances of love and appreciation are the antidote to the corruption and degradation of nasty words that eat at the foundation of love. Keep the score zero in your love relationship. Give generous doses of gratitude, make caring gestures to your partner daily, and watch the passion and abundance grow.
Daily healthy sex acts
- See how many times you can utter something loving and positive to your partner in a day.
- Tell your friends and family members that you love them; follow that by a loving action.
- Give thanks to your higher power by making a gesture that has meaning to mankind whether holding a door open for someone, offering a smile, or making a donation to a charity or person in need.
Meditation 2: Family
"In dwelling, live close to the ground.
In thinking, keep to the simple.
In conflict, be fair and generous.
In governing, don't try to control.
In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present."
-- Lao Tzu
Family is a concept that continues to evolve and change during the course of a lifetime. Some of us are born into a family, while others are adopted into a family. Without proper attunement, consistency, and love, many children feel empty and scared, wondering if they're wanted. In the best of circumstances, family provides security, consistency, and a place to grow and flourish with attentive elders who steward them into adulthood. In less-favorable circumstances, family can be a place of uncertainty and even danger.
Your family forged you into the person you are today -- good, bad, or otherwise. Patterns are set and emerge based on a multitude of factors, from the region of the country you lived in, the culture of religion you grew up with, to the intergenerational abuse you may have suffered. The complexities of who you've become are a tapestry of people, places and events, all of which form a "self." In the most well-meaning ways, parents can create insecure and inadequate children from simply being insensitive. The prospect of being human and growing into adulthood requires that we examine the patterns that were set early on that hamstring us and keep us acting out immature patterns. One of the quickest ways to move that process along is to get into a committed relationship. In relationship, all of our family of origin issues emerge, play out, and can then be healed.
In adulthood, we often start our own families by having children. However, family can also be a group of people you gather together over time who know and love you, who support you in your endeavors, sexual orientation, spiritual exploration, and other personal choices without judgment. By healing your shame and other problematic patterns from childhood, you will attract like-minded people who will comprise your "family of choice."
Daily healthy sex acts
- Give thanks for the family you were born into or the family you were raised in -- good, bad or otherwise. Recognize that this family is, in part, responsible for your strengths and gifts, not just your shortcomings.
- Take time to be in gratitude for the family of choice you've created and let those people know what they mean to you.
- Tell your partner how grateful you are for having them in your life.
Meditation 3: Discovery
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind." -- Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Preparing to meet your lover can lead to discovery in your sex life. Preparation means deliberately taking steps or action for what's in front of you. If you're genuinely curious about your lover, you will have prepared yourself by knowing what he likes, what turns her on, and what you need in order to be fully present and prepared for a sexual encounter. For some, preparation has to do with grooming, bathing, buying flowers, wearing sensual clothing, or choosing the right music, setting, or other agreed upon rituals.
Talking about sex with your partner and learning their preferences is one thing. Putting what you know about them into action is another. When preparations are made, there's a container for discovery or unexpected "accidents" to occur. Rigidly engaging in rote sexual acts will almost always lead to a loss of desire while being prepared and letting go allows for novel experiences, eureka or "aha" moments to burst forth. When you stop controlling and instead start preparing, you free your body, mind, and soul thereby making a space for spontaneity, joy, play, laughter, and -- discovery.
Daily healthy sex acts
- What preparations do you need to make before your next sexual encounter with your partner?
- Put into action what you know about what turns your lover on.
- Take a risk by setting aside what you "usually" do and set an intention to discover something new about yourself and your lover.
For more by Alexandra Katehakis, M.F.T., click here.
For more on conscious relationships, click here.