Two a.m., Wednesday, November 5. We've been celebrating, and your humble narrator stands outside a Hollywood bar beside a filmmaker friend and a bearded reality TV show winner who looks like Tom Hanks at about minute 80 of Cast Away. We're talking to two girls, both of them lovely and...

In my college fraternity, after rush night, we would all assemble to decide who would join our illustrious, underachieving crew. By the end of the night, we would either offer a prospective brother a "bid" to join and undergo the joys (mustache, lunchbox) of pledging, or "ding" him, thereby relegating...

"Dr. Henry Kissinger especially. I had a good conversation with him recently. And he shared with me his passion for diplomacy." -- Sarah Palin, during the Vice-Presidential Debate.

Although Sarah Palin's September 23 conversation with Henry Kissinger was off-limits to reporters, the Huffington Post gained exclusive access to a microphone...

A short film script, in response to this message from the Hollywood liberal elite.

FADE IN:

INT. LUXURIOUS MANSION - DAY
KELSEY GRAMMER speaks into CAMERA.

...

Ferris Bueller [on getting out of school]: You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then again, so is high school. - from Ferris Bueller's Day Off

I had a history of stomach problems...

*From Webster's New Millennium Dictionary of English, meaning "to slap someone with an open hand, esp. in an attempt to put them in their place or cause humiliation." An unfortunate term, but you'll see it's the most accurate one in this case. Before the accusations of misogyny fill the comments,...

The cliché is to say that Sarah Palin would only be a heartbeat away from the presidency if she and John McCain win the election. My theory? We're talking about the wrong body part.

Bear with me on this one: everyone can admit that Sarah Palin is hot. Everyone...