I like to think I'm a nice person.
A nice person with a helluva busy schedule and one too many commitments perhaps, all of which I love dearly and am not willing to forgo. Over my three and a half years of blogging, I've been asked every question in the book -- from where I buy my shredded coconut and hot pink sandals to why I eat food X or drink bevvie Z if it "clearly causes cancer." I do what I love and I love what I do.
There's nothing quite like responding to some of my lovely readers' outrageous emails and comments. Some make me cry tears of joy and thank the heavens for blessing me with such a rewarding job, and some make me want to hit myself over the head with an oily skillet.
I always die a little on the inside. And then I laugh and laugh and laugh till my belly hurts and wonder if it's from your hilarious comment or the pound of popcorn I smashed while fervently responding to your questions.
As a food blogger and as a friend, I love answering your comments and emails -- except when you ask me to solve your wicked complicated health problems and why you can't substitute mayonnaise for almond meal.
1. How many calories per serving?
I totally respect you for wanting to know how many calories are in that loaded veggie avocado tuna salad, but I simply don't have the time nor the desire to calculate that number for you. To be frank, after spending hours conceptualizing a recipe, creating content, photographing and scheduling social media, the thought of calculating calories sounds about as appealing as a fried hot dog with trans fat on top.
2. If I substitute steak for black beans and American cheese for nutritional yeast and cardboard for curry powder, will this recipe still taste the same?
Was I born yesterday or are steak and black beans a wee bit different? I don't make recipes with ingredients other than the ones listed, so substitutions are at your own risk, my friends. I love learning that other options work, but I'm not a wizard. I truly cannot predict the future so I promise that your guess is as good as mine. What I can't promise is that it will taste good. It probably will not.
3. Do you want me to order for you?
I beg your pardon? Did you just ask if I want YOU to order for ME? I have a FOOD BLOG. The real question is when will this date be over and should I tag you in this Instagram salad or no?
4. Can you do a post on everything you eat for a week and why?
I swear this would not look as cool as it sounds. You'd probably question my sanity for never once sitting down when I eat and then judge my ridiculously low water consumption, rightfully so. If I had the time, I'd send you all personal food diaries with exact calorie counts and details on how emotional I felt after each bite. KIDDING. But seriously, I know looking at other people's food is super fun. It's kind of addicting. It's kind of scary.
5. Can I post your entire recipe on my blog but add more vanilla extract and a dash of salt and then not give you credit?
Is it just me or is blog etiquette a thing of the past?! This really gets me going. Imagine spending all day on a recipe post and seeing some one post THE EXACT SAME THING on their site without even giving you credit. OH NO SHE DIDN'T. #itson
6. How many calories should I eat in a day?
Three million. Yes, I'm a dietitian. No, I don't work for free. I'd love to help you, but please ask to schedule an appointment with me before expecting me to solve all your health problems via email. Nutrition is super personalized and I need to know A LOT about you and your past before I can begin to tackle that question.
7. I'm allergic to every ingredient in this recipe. Do you have any recommendations?
Allergies are no fun and I really do feel for those that suffer from them. But, BUT, once again, I'm not a wizard and I can't wave a magic wand to predict how things will taste when you add your own spins. Hopefully I'll be a food blogger AND a wizard in my next life.
8. I'm paleo. Do you have any advice for tweaking these whole wheat pancakes?
Hi, Paleo. I'm Alexis. These pancakes weren't meant to be paleo-ified. They're made with like, ALL the grains.
9. Can you teach me how to create a successful blog and take good pictures and open a restaurant?
Can I? Maybe. Will I? Probs not. That would be a lengthy response to say the least. I think it would take me three months to write. So I may just write an autobiography addressing those three questions instead and mail a copy to everyone who asks.
10. Why do you use the microwave? You know you're slowly killing yourself, right?
Because I'm lazy and it cooks food really fast and the last thing I want to do after a long day at work is get out a pan. Why do you drive a car?
* * *
For more laughs, check out this Confessions of a Food Blogger post!
HuffPost Lifestyle is a daily newsletter that will make you happier and healthier — one email at a time. Learn more