Have you heard of the disappearing date? The one that's great for some dinners and after hours fun, and then -- poof! -- he's gone? My happy hours lately have been consumed with this same tale.
I don't know what happened, my friends tell me, one after the other, making my heart ache beside them, as hurt drips down their watery eyes. Why did he stop calling? What went wrong?
I'll tell you what went wrong: The guy's a jerk.
But more seriously, he's a bad communicator. And it's easier to avoid the awkward conversation than to face it, simpler to forget about it than discuss why it's over.
Frankly, I've seen a lot of my girlfriends play the same game. I once spent an hour on the phone with a friend trying to convince her to at least text the guy that you're not interested when she was ready to write some poor man off completely without any writing (or talking) at all.
What's going on in the dating world that it's become acceptable to just disappear? Why is it, in a time when it's easier than ever to get in touch with someone -- and do so with comfortable distance -- that people are opting out entirely?
It seems that in our age of informality -- one where we've transformed dating from ceremonious affairs with boys from school to relaxed hangouts with people we hardly know, we've lost all measure of common courtesy. The rigid lines drawn by old fashioned dating customs have been re-drawn, leaving closure somewhere sulking on the sidewalk.
I asked that same friend of mine why she was so willing to pretend that the dates never happened -- and that the guy never existed. She said quite simply that she didn't think she owed him anything. "You don't understand," she told me. "You've always been in relationships with people that you care about. Dating is different."
So my friend had a point, but missed the main one. True, my dating experience is a bit atypical -- I've been in an almost unbroken chain of serious relationships since I was 17 -- but whether you know the guy well or only met him once, the bottom line is that we're all just human beings with feelings, and we don't want those feelings hurt. And if our feelings will be hurt anyway, wouldn't we prefer to be let down directly rather than be abandoned to the no-man's-land of bewildering, unspoken rejection?
No one wants to desperately rewind and replay, in slow motion, each word and touch -- grasping for the moment that set this budding (or already blooming) relationship off course. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned "another" dinner? Perhaps he hated our kiss? Reels of tape whirl by, each framed by question marks.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not advocating brutal honesty here. Surely there are varying degrees of appropriate communication. Parting ways after an unremarkable dinner date warrants a plain expression of disinterest in any future and no more. But a date -- or many -- that involve emotional or physical intimacy require conversations of a different character.
I have trouble wrapping my head around the insensitivity necessary to shirk away from this polite goodbye. I can't imagine being too shy, lazy, or inconsiderate to leave someone hanging, creating an empty unknowable hole to be forever filled with confusion. Though I'm admittedly on the more the merrier end of the communication spectrum -- ask my husband, he'll tell you it's my favorite pastime -- I just can't seem to grasp even the possibility of vanishing.
So, whether you get into the why of the break up or not is your call (and certainly one to be exercised with caution and care), but my point is this: closure is important. At the very least, send a text, call or email to rescue your certain someone from the murky waters in which he would otherwise be left deserted. Communication is King -- and Queen. So treat it accordingly.
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I've been married for over 30 years, so what I have to say on the matter should be a bit dated - but apparently not! Back in the day, this happened to me a couple of times, and I flubbed it myself with a couple of fine young women also. They may have felt "used." They may have felt betrayed. I was growing up. I was trying to figure out who I was and what I wanted in my life. I sincerely hope they are happy today, although they both may still hate my guts - even though no harm was intended. Such is dating. The extreme passions of youth, of hope, are fully engaged. To hear: "I desire you" is absolutely wonderful. To hear: "We didn't quite hit it off - Can we still be friends?" is Hell. Young people, if they are normal, don't want to hurt other people. Dating is supposed to be fun, right? The sex part is easy, natural, joyful - the emotional part is overwhelming, leaving the young person wishing that they had a PhD in political science. I like him/her - yet I have to cause him/her pain. Rejection. Ouch!
A "serious" relationship is a lifelong commitment. An unbroken chain of short term relationships is about as serious as changing from a fall/winter ski outfit into a spring/summer evening dress.
The article says: "But more seriously, he's a bad communicator."
I disagree - he's a great communicator. No contact IS communicating. It means - "I'm not sufficiently interested in you right now to contact you."
I find it a shame for folks these days when I read articles like this. So maybe you do not hit it off romantically, why not have a friend? You were both interested enough to go out. But then again I like people and women friends guess I have a different outlook on life. I have introduced one of those friends to a male friend, they are going strong 30 years and 3 kids and new grandchild later. Me 35 yrs, 5 young adults wishing for grandchildren.
People simply do not talk anymore. Technology as well as just horrid manners have conquered.
In business rarely do people pick up and answer their phones. They have caller ID and voice mail. Calls are "screened" and emails sent blah blah blah. Usually after meeting a new client o prospect, I always mail a "Thanks You" and send an email. The email hardly ever gets a reply yet 60% become my clients. What is the proper etiquette here? Just asking.
The same goes for personal relationships. I have lost friends because when I call they never pick up. But when they call I always answer. After all they are my friends. Instead, they would send the usual worthless txt/email. So, I ceased responding to their txts and emails.
Several called and asked if I were OK. I simply told them if we are friends, then keep your txts and emails. A few thought I had gone over the top......Couples, dates, and friends would rather text it seems. Or they love to communicate over Facebook. Thanks but "No Thanks!" I love human communications using the mouth and ears.
While I am not putting down these new modes of communication, we Americans once again have stood it on its head.
So, now the guy is not a jerk. This is simply the world we live in today.
Treat others like you'd want to be treated. You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they treat those that have no influence on their lives.
So take a hint. When someone disappears, they moved on. So should you.
Really productive response. I'm sure after a few martinis and a night of bashing men you have solved their problems and feel a whole lot better about the whole thing.
"The rigid lines drawn by old fashioned dating customs have been re-drawn"
Exactly. In all likelihood your friends want to be wooed without taking any initiative. Few guys will do that anymore for a chick that isn't drop dead gorgeous. You fought for equality in every other arena, and now you're stunned that we are starting to treat you as equals in this one.
I'd add an underlying premise in the article, that the woman is waiting for the guy to ask her out again, supports the idea that some women say they want to be treated as equals but, in fact, want to be "wooed". Equal means woman don't need to wait. They can do the asking too.
"The men who do not approach women fall victim to the women who approach them."
Humorously, the inverse has always applied to women. It's the equivalent of complaining about politics when you don't even vote.
Your friend's comment about you being in relationships with people you care about, and dating being different, gave me the creeps. Doesn't dating someone imply that you do at least like them enough to spend a few hours with them? That it might develop further? Isn't that a suggestion of potentially caring? And even if it doesn't - that doesn't give anyone the right to be rude and UNcaring, to treat someone else like they have no feelings at all. Plus, how would she like it if she were treated that way? It's as much about respect as it is about feeling fond of someone.
One quibble: disinterested doesn't mean "not interested". It means impartial, unbiased, the sort of thing you want of a judge, for instance; it also relates specifically to not having financial interests in a situation. The word you want here is uninterested.