Goddamned Obama. Goddamned Supreme Court!
Who do they think they are forcing me to have health care when I don't want it? That's it. I'm packing my bags and moving to Canada. I'm really doing it this time too. I know I've said I would do it before, like when they gave the gay people rights.
But I have had it up to here! Here is about as high as 12 stacked cans of Schlitz beer and a couple of Spam cans on top. But you get the idea. I think some body needs to sit ole Barkacki down and have a little talk with him and tell him that America ain't a socialism regime like the one he came from. (ED: Hawaii is one of the 50 states).
We don't want the government telling us that we gotta go to the hospital if we, say, attach a set of jumper cables to our nipples and turn on the ignition just to see what happens. That's our own goddamn business! And now the women are gonna be wanting check ups every damn time they miss a period or something happens down there.
That's why I'm moving to Canada. They aren't a crazy socialist country like Obama is trying to turn the U.S. of A into. (ED: They are far more socialist than we are). First of all, look at their lawmen. They still ride horses and carry guns, the way it should be. If our cops still acted like goddamned cowboys instead of sitting in donut shops all day long, you think kids would be eating bath salts and gnawing each other's faces? No! They'd see those Mountie red jackets and those horses and they'd show some respect!
Secondly, they drink beer there. Noneathem froufroutini stuff you see on the cable shows. They drink beer and lots of beer, like the real people here do. You like to get your beer on here and people whine at you that you got a problem. "Stop hitting people," they jaw at you. "Don't drive when you're like that," "You can't go to work when you drink beer in the morning," "You're not supposed to operate a forklift after having so many beers." SO much jawing! In Canada, that's just called enjoying your beer! It's a national beverage that is made to be enjoyed. Amirite? (ED: You are not right. All the above is called alcoholism in Canada, too.)
Canada is pretty awesome. They won't force their socialized medicine down my throat. (ED: Canada has a socialized health care system. This is getting tiring.) And I won't have to pay for someone elses medicine either. If someone's gonna die, that's their business. Amirite? Plus in Canada, they've got lots of maple syrup if I want pancakes and I do love me some pancakes. And at least in Canada, they speak ENGLISH! (ED: ... and French. Oh boy.)
Man, I just HATE America right now. It's such a mess. And it's all Obama's fault! That's why I'm moving to Canada. But I'll tell you what. If Romney wins in November? I might come back. He could repeal this Obamacare business and come up with a real healthcare plan. You can bet on that. (ED: We give up).
NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more