As you leave jail today, you leave the place that kept us safe from your harassment for a blessed six months of not worrying about what lies around the corner or on the other end of a phone.
The legacy of trauma that you left our little family lives.
It lives in the sleepless nights of one you traumatized. It lives in the ways that I learned to numb myself. It lives in dreams deferred. It lives in our anxieties, in our sadness, anger and depression. It lives in the ways that we have all learned to protect ourselves in our own unique ways. Sometimes we learn healthy ways and other times, we don't. We shut down, we get ill, we get tense, we get angry.
And it's a funny thing about trauma, I think that I have moved on and found peace. Then, something hits me and my rage and resentment comes back. It comes back and consumes me. I try to breathe and let go. Forgiveness does not come easy. I know that holding on to that rage is only punishing me, but it comes, without warning. Then, if I am not aware of it and work through it, it turns into all consuming depression.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
It lives in our strength sometimes. The passion and creativity that one of us has used to heal and dance through the pain. It lives in the beautiful writing and creativity of the other. It lives in my ability to help others through that pain when they are going through similar issues. It lives in my deep respect and compassion for others. My deep pain has opened my heart to others in a way that it might not have opened without the trauma. It has given our girls an awareness of others struggles and with that, compassion and respect. They have not let that trauma turn into hatred. Instead, they love others with open hearts. Their trust of others may not be completely intact, but at least they can still love deeply. You have not completely destroyed our tender hearts.
The legacy of trauma that you left us lives.
But, we will not let it take us down. We will keep putting one foot in the other. We will dance through it. We will write through it. We will love each other through it. We will take the ugliness and transform it into something beautiful.
You will not destroy us. We will not let you.