Making Peace with Mom

A bouquet of roses, a box of candy, or a long distance phone call? What will you give your Mom this Mother's Day? And more importantly, what will you feel as you offer your gift? Will your heart overflow with love and gratitude? Or will you be gritting your teeth, plastering a smile on, bracing yourself for Mom's next number?

Some people have Moms as supportive and sympathetic as apple pie with a generous scoop of vanilla ice cream. But when it comes to the maternal bond, some feel like onlookers, faces pressed against icy window panes, watching a scene that they've never lived.

How to feel warm and cuddly if Mom wasn't cut out for motherhood? Many have been borne, birthed, and raised by Moms who are less than perfect. Neglectful, abusive, withdrawn, intrusive, critical, self-absorbed, or just plain weird--bad Mommies come in all ethnicities and flavors.

We absorb and respond. Low self-esteem. Way too many "life lessons." We helplessly repeat non-optimal life patterns. Anything from relationship failures to business nosedives, from mood swings to to troubled kids can be traced back to Mom and our relationship with her.

Through a process I offer called Family Repatterning, (www.collectiverealm.com), I've seen a lot of people heal their relationship with their Moms. Listening to each poignant story, I've heard things that would curl your hair--but there's one thing in common: Everyone is trying to forgive Mom.

"I know I should forgive her, but.."

"I want to forgive her for my sake, not hers.."

With clenched fists, "I've forgiven her, really I have..."

Yeah, right.

With all the proponents of do-right forgiveness, I hesitate to debunk. But consider this: It's okay to forgive your spouse, partner, sibling, or friend--in other words, an equal, but is it respectful to cast Mom (or Dad) as just another peer on your life journey?

Forgiveness live in the confessional, where you reveal your sins and receive absolution.

But who is forgiven? The wrongdoer.

And who does the forgiving? The spiritual authority behind the screen.

Even if you're an enlightened Buddha and Mom is a spiritual pygmy, who would kill another woman to get a pair of on-sale shoes, when you forgive, you take the seat of spiritual authority high above Mom-- and Mom is the person who gave you life.

While assuming the seat of spiritual authority gives a temporary boost because it counteracts our childhood sense of frustration and helplessness, it's he booby prize, as in "I had imperfect mothering so now I get to play God."

Far more fulfilling is fully experiencing your unique bond with Mom, warts and all.

I propose that instead people make peace with Mom, and come to terms with their relationship as it is--and that's why I made Meditations on Mom, a Mother's Day poem/film in honor of my own highly imperfect, beautiful, wonderful, one of a kind mother--and as you watch see it, remember that you your own perfect/imperfect Mom wherever she is.

To see the film, click here.

Comments

[CircleofHealth]

You are so right that the pain of being in families of abuse, fear, and disconnection are great-- the question is: what brings us strength to cope with that?

I'm curious whether you have seen the film and what your response is.

[lwaxanatroi]

No, forgiveness isn't for "the guy in the sky," the spiritual authority. Forgiveness is meant to keep US from poisoning ourselves with our own festering rage. If belief in a spiritual authority helps one to forgive, then by all means, use the spiritual authority. But it is possible to forgive without God, and it is also entirely possible to believe in both God and forgiveness and be unable to walk the walk. I loved the woman with clenched fists going "I've forgiven her." That was me for a long time. And I can't say I've truly and totally forgiven Mom (of course, it helps a lot that she's dead. It was always easier for me to deal with her when she wasn't actually in the room), but I do know that I am no longer toxic. If you are helping other women reach that point, good, but if you are discounting forgiveness, I'm not sure how you are achieving that miracle.

[CircleofHealth]

Not to knock forgiveness if it worked for you, and this may not have been true for you but for me, i hear sometimes hear the implication that something was due to us or taken from us -- but in general our parents give life and themselves as best they can with whatever they were given -- and that is the price-- so to believe that it should be more or less than it was--- to me, devalues the gift-- of course we all tend to do that-- and it's understandable. At the same time, people make a spiritual virtue out of it. I do believe that seeing through the veils of someone's behavior to something more core does happen sometimes with effort, and sometimes spontaneously. I value acceptance more than forgiveness. I also think that we have to keep ourselves safe and together and if necessary at a distance from a person who has behaved hurtfully while still honoring what they were able to give-- life.

[RPLinNYC]

How nice for you and your 'own highly imperfect, beautiful, wonderful, one of a kind mother'.

But what an insipid post.
I was expecting some insight for people who are dealing with moms for whom
'imperfect' would be quite an understatement...