Smiling at Fear: Pema Chodron

What do you fear most--- the Swine Flu, or the Swine Flu vaccine? Airport terrorists, or airport security searches? Growing old, or the alternative?

If you answered "all of the above," you'll guess why I went to a weekend retreat on fear with Pema Chodron, the noted Buddhist teacher and author of When Things Fall Apart-- held in upstate New York at the Omega Institute. Through the yellow leaves of a beautiful New England autumn, hundreds of people flocked to this finale of Omega's fall season.

Pema (as she invites people to call her) immediately dispelled many common misunderstandings about fear:

Myth # 1: The way to overcome fear is by acting fearless

Whistling at our fear, assuming a brave stance, "vaccinating" ourselves with affirmations, seeking out the psychic police for protection, or even pole-vaulting headlong into fear like would-be Olympians are the common strategies many of us use to overcome terror. But whether we seek protection, or try to prove how brave we are, we miss fear's true opportunity to teach us authentic courage.

When people ask, "why are you afraid?" or assure us that, "You don't have to be afraid," they aim to be helpful. But invalidating our reason for being fearful, subtly implies that it's shameful to have feelings of fear. From childhood up, many of us have received these kinds of messages.

That's why we declare fearlessness, or even sky dive to conquer fear-- bypassing the creepy descent into the fearful feelings that are nature's only fear medicine.

Psychologists call it "counter-phobic" to engage in risky behavior, walk down dark alleys, or do other scary things to demonstrate courage. A woman friend and I once went on a group tour to Tunisia. Soon bored by the droning tour guide, we decided to drive off to explore a scenic region, congratulating ourselves on our spirit of adventure. That was before the ninety mile an hour road chase in a deserted rural area with a carful of screaming men racing to catch up with us.

"We don't have to put on courage like a tough protective armor," Pema told the group. Instead of banishing fear, or making ourselves wrong for feeling fearful--allowing ourselves to go into fear and deeply feel it is the way to become spiritual warriors.

Truth # 1: The way to overcome fear is to feel fear

Myth # 2: Safety first: Avoiding fear is the only way to feel safe

Loss of love, health, home, cognizance, money, power, control. Abuse, physical danger, disease, injury, and death. These are some of the things we naturally fear.

In childhood, we skulk away from the playground bully, strange people in cars, fringe neighborhoods, and rollercoaster rides. In adulthood, we may try to avoid horror films, foreigners with strange names, the news, contagious germs, bureaucracies, or even airports. I've fallen out of contact with certain acquaintances who, following 9/11, became too fearful to visit my home town of New York City. Eight years of one way visits unbalanced the reciprocity in the relationships.

Seeking safety at all costs has two obvious pitfalls:

1. We limit our potential when we fail to challenge ourselves to grow--and wind up bland, bored, addicted, and/or stuck--and yes, even overweight or obese as we stuff down our feelings with bland "comfort" foods
2. We project our fear onto outside things or people, dub them terrorists, and give them power to not only scare us but to turn us, our lives, and even our country into a padded prison, (even a cushy one) surrounded by barbed wire, our bombs tossed from a safe distance, as we turn our heads away to deny the harm we do.

If we cannot run towards fear to assert our bravery, if we can't run away and avoid what makes us fearful, how can we deal with fear? According to Pema Chodron, we can stand our ground and be with our fear. Just that is the basis of fearlessness.

Truth # 2: Be with fear

In the retreat, inspired by Smiling at Fear, a newly published book by Chodron's teacher, Trungpa Rinpoche, we practiced checking in with ourselves to experience fear right there and then. Making this a regular practice has had an astonishing effect, exactly as Pema predicted, "When you learn to smile at your fear, to be with your fear, you become an authentic friend to yourself, and thereby develop confidence."

It's not that you become confident that you will encounter a germ-free world, access the strongest drugs, possess the smartest bomb, or hold the secret to love, fame and fortune.

The confidence is that you will be there for yourself always, come what may.

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Comments

[Lesscancer]

When I had a benign tumor on my spinal cord requiring many hours of complicated surgery -I found myself praying for personal leadership and that I would have the ability to witness the miracles in the journey.
From that experience I have come to learn that miracles often wear a mask and while initially afraid of the several negative out comes -the journey was OK and when I got through it --better than OK.
I have gifts for life because of my response to to the situation...
How we respond to fear is everything...and I can only suggest in fearful situations that we look for the leader in our selves..its there and there is wide reaching potential for great things to occur.
Thanks Alison for this thoughtful post

Bill Couzens Founder Less Cancer

[Kiri Westby - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for sharing the wise words of Pema Chodron for all of us. I have found her writings so helpful throughout my life, which has been all about making friends with fear in order to work in some of the scariest places in the world. Everyone should read her books.

Great Blog!
Kiri

[khanti]

The greatest way to overcome fear is not to be attach to life. Death is certain living is uncertain. It dosen't mean to commit suicide rather to be free from the burden of clinging to self preservation. Enjoy life, be happy. Share your joy with others. Be thankfull we are alive now but if I were to die the next moment I will always expect the unexpexcted.

[Alison Rose Levy - Huffpost Blogger]

Great point, Khanti. And there's no question that fear of death is fundamental. But overcoming that foundational fear is the destination, but not always where people begin. Which is why these basic understandings are so helpful.

Alison

[TexasRed1978]

I was also at that retreat, and I really enjoyed it. Her writings have been very helpful to me for the last two years as I've dealt with job loss, depression, and anxiety (among other more "typical" troubles). I''m looking forward to her workshop in late May.

[Alison Rose Levy - Huffpost Blogger]

Yes, it sounds like a good one!

[Cautious]

Hopelessness and Death
By Pema Chodron

If weíre willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be
exterminated, then we can have the courage to relax with the
groundlessness of our situation. This is the first step on the path.

https://teach.lanecc.edu/lugenbehld/R202/handouts/Chodron%20on%20Hoplessness.htm

[Angie Cordeiro - Huffpost Blogger]

Wow, very nice and fearless of you to share this seminar with us Alsion Rose Levy!

Pema Chodron continues to be an inspiration and unassuming guide for my daily challenges, smile ;-)

[Cautious]

I'm confused. Isn't the point of this to be consciously fearful, that is, consciously present with the fear, instead of fearless? I just don't understand. Could you clarify that for me?

[Pema]

get the book. there are sutble points that might clarify it better or you might fnd it in a library.
happiness,
p

[Alison Rose Levy - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you so much, Arithrianos, for this wise comment.

I love the distinction you make between red and gray fear. When I imagine the feeling tones of those two colors, to me gray fear feels contractive, like shutting down and shrinking away, while red fear is perhaps more like an early warning system of something to which we must pay attention.

Again thanks!

warmly,

Alison

[Arithrianos]

Interesting, to me grey fear is the boring old rehashed fear that is usually the voice of parents or equivilant. Red fear is the real fear, the one that screams red alert, like having a gun drawn on you. Red fear is to be paid attention to ASAP, it's message is very real.

[Arithrianos]

By smiling at fear you take back your power. None of the emotions have any power that you have not given away, no fear can move you unless you fear your fear. Once you discover fear is information you can look into the why and see if it is real info or just the chattering of old scripts or old limitations. There is a difference between fear wtih reality behind it and fake fear generated by ignorance and cloudy thinking. This difference to me is experiential, i call it the difference between red fear and grey fear. Red fear should be heeded and grey fear should be loved and acknowledged so it can go away. No problem either way, just look at the fear, and be with it, just as Pema says.