Patience Is the Key to Happiness (And How to Cultivate It)

For many, the most difficult person to be patient with is oneself. Our pride, persona and ego can feel disrupted and threatened every time we feel we have done less than our best. When ego gains this kind of unhealthy foothold, patience can quickly be lost and irrational thoughts, words, and actions can emanate before we have a chance to think, or so it seems. When this happens we can so easily rationalize that we deserve our own annoyance. We speak to ourselves with a level of disrespect that we would rarely, if ever, inflict on another.

The reality is that there are times when we are unskillful. We simply don't perform up to our own expectations, the expectations of others, or our own self-image. Perhaps we didn't make the big sale the company was counting on, or we let the steaks burn to a crisp on the grill (again), or we had a bad day on the tennis court. We might have spoken to a loved one or a colleague in a manner we later realized was unkind. We would like to believe we are more skillful in our endeavors; we envision ourselves as more spiritually advanced, to the point where those slip-ups wouldn't happen. Yet they do, and we can feel deeply disappointed and annoyed with ourselves.

There are endless possibilities for becoming irritable and impatient with self, and in a given moment they can all seem absolutely justified. Unfortunately, getting down on oneself rarely produces anything positive unless it happens to lead to determined resolve, which is difficult when the mind is bridled with self-criticism. Over time we see that just being impatient with ourselves rarely leads to anything beneficial and, in fact, the potential for harm can loom ominously close. We may feel stressed and in despair which is often accompanied by a loss of self-esteem. In extreme circumstances serious depression may follow.

There is no quick fix for this unfortunate, but fairly common, pattern because rooting out unskillful ways of thinking requires time to objectively observe the mind's activity. Effort balanced with patience and deep levels of honesty with self are necessary. For this, meditation is an ideal practice. In meditation we can bring to mind a situation that aroused anger. We then focus directly on that anger and its related thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations. There is no way to rush this process, we just stay with it. We keep returning to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they arise in the mind and body.

Some of us are impatient with our own body which is unfortunate because our relationship with the body we inhabit will last the entire length of our life. Wouldn't it make sense to become well-disposed toward that which is always, literally, around us? Without an attitude of graciousness, or at least acceptance, we may find ourselves living in a constant state of low-level dissatisfaction and impatience. Sometimes we may be too busy to notice, but other times we may feel downright disgusted with our appearance. With the commercial world bombarding us with reasons to be dissatisfied with our face and form, it can be difficult to appreciate the beauty of our being as is.

Comparing yourself to others is meaningless. Focus on the beauty of you. Let there be lightness about your being. Lightness makes space for patience. The end of the aging process will come soon enough so make the choice to enjoy it while you can. Wisdom evolves from seeing things as they really are and patience comes from accepting things as they are. If a situation is unacceptable and we can do something to change it, we should do so with compassion and wisdom. If not, it is wise to adjust and accept life's conditions. The body is of the nature to grow old; we cannot avoid aging. No matter what creams, drugs or surgeries we may bring upon ourselves, the body is aging. We have the opportunity to grow in wisdom as we age, or we can resist what is natural and struggle to the finish line.

Unhappiness does not slow the aging process. In fact, there is a great deal of evidence that suggests the opposite. We need to be patient with the body and with the reality of aging. Peace arises as we accept that which is.

It is essential that we learn to be patient with ourselves if we are to be happy, if we are to be trusted, if we are to be a welcome friend to others. It is deluding oneself to believe that we can be truly patient with others without first developing patience with ourselves. If we are to enjoy meaningful relationships, including the relationship with ourselves, patience must be developed to the extent that it is simply present and essentially unperturbed during trying situations. Among the qualities we can encourage within ourselves that will support our efforts are acceptance, compassion, joyfulness and generosity of spirit. We want to forgive our little imperfections, even as we strive to improve. They are the beauty marks that enhance the splendid beings that we are.

Here are a few thoughts and practices to help develop greater patience:

• No one is simply an impatient person; human beings are much too complex for such simplicity. Even those more prone to losing patience have moments when they are extremely patient.
• Begin by looking at your motivation -- why do you want to become more patient? Don't just assume you should. For a week, sit for five minutes a day and contemplate honestly why you want to be a more patient person. Your motivation will support you when you slip; build that motivation truthfully.
• You will slip-up. It takes patience to develop patience. Support your efforts with kindness and compassion.
• Never allow yourself to believe you are too busy to be more patient. Allow extra time whenever possible. Rushing makes us vulnerable to impatience.

Buy "Patience: The Art of Peaceful Living" here: Amazon, Barnes & Noble and IndieBound.

 

Comments

[Michelle List]

09:46 PM on 01/10/2012

I am going to read the article, and I will be back to comment then if I have anything useful to add.
BUT FOR NOW, did anyone else chuckle when the title was emblazoned quite boldly:

"Patience Is the Key to Happiness (And How to Cultivate It)"

with "QUICK READ" right under it for those of us impatient for some patience!

[wutrup]

10:41 AM on 01/10/2012

Our mission and purpose in life is to evolve ourselves. To become, more and more of a conscious individual. Life is a platform for experience of all kinds. Through experience we build on our human conscious developement through trial and error. Nothing is good or bad in and of itself, but all is to be experienced in order to move us in a powerful positive direction.

[Happy Nataraj]

03:51 PM on 12/22/2011

I have found that if I allow myself to become conscious of the sensations in my body when I am processing difficult emotions, I can breath into the tension. Doing this allows me to release emotions. Osho Dynamic meditation is also very helpful. Also waiting 24 hours or 3 -7 days before responding to a difficult situation (if possible) gives time to process and operate out of the spirit of love.

[soma77]

04:05 PM on 12/18/2011

It seems increasing awareness of patience, wisdom and knowledge requires the inner work of recognizing where we are influenced by external circumstances.

[wutrup]

10:36 AM on 01/10/2012

Patience, wisdon and knowledge requires inner work. What is really important, is understand the nature of our reality. That we live in a totally self created reality and when we have an experience we automatically know we attracted it on one level or another. When we own any experience as our creation we have power over it and are not a victim to it. We create all major events in our lives before we are born. We go through the vail of no rememberance then walk through life to gain whatever experience (on behalf of the source) that we can.

[MegaMomSC]

10:18 AM on 12/05/2011

This is an excellent article. You couldn't have printed it at a better time for me. I am going through a family crisis that may even lead to me cutting ties with my family. I am not being very patient with myself about the emotions I will experience during this process and I am getting frustrated about isolating myself and not spending much time with my son and husband. I am seeing a counselor and have a couple of friends I can turn to if necessary. But the last incident involving them left me physically injured -- a sprained neck -- so I am also recovering from that. I know from a friend who is a social worker that I will probably go the the grief process and that it will take time. I just need to be patient with myself. I am only delaying progress by getting angry and frustrated with how I am handling things.

[wutrup]

08:13 PM on 01/10/2012

Life is a constant process of working through (self created) problems, unknown to us. We always seem to attract (set-up), or be lured into them. What has worked for me no matter what has crossed my path, is that I try to tell myself in 6 months I won't remember a thing about what I am having to deal with in the now. I feel we can only try to deminish (downplay) as much as possible the major stuff that we have to deal with in life. I feel we progress enough through the problems we need to deal with. Each problem allows us to become better equipt to handle future problems. Life is a process. The more we suffer and the quicker we suffer the better off we will be and the most likely to better handle what comes along. Best of luck on your situation.
By the way we choose our parents but I have never been inclined to think we choose our brothers or sisters. I am one of 8.

[DrKoon]

02:07 AM on 11/25/2011

I like it. Especially "Peace arises as we accept that which is."
Patience with my body, my mind, my efforts, my goals, my friends. But also a Persistence that keeps me from "accepting my impatience" forever.

[wutrup]

11:49 PM on 01/11/2012

Edgar Cayse once said we meet ourselves in every situation. What we create we have to accept.
Your right, we have peace when we accept our creation. Once read; what we resist persist. So, why not try to accept things as they come and so de-energize them. Of course. the more we evolve ourselves through life situations/experiences, the more peace we can attract in our lives.
The less of a need to experience tuff situation through trial and error. Peace be with you. Bill

[iLdoRight]

03:56 AM on 11/21/2011

Caption suggestion; ' Please Fish Don't Hurt Yourself On My Hook "

[majesticjkr]

08:42 AM on 11/18/2011

being able to help others makes me happy, watching people cry makes me sad, watching children cry makes me really upset, people make their own happiness by their life style they have, finding the perfect partner is a big pluss in your happiness, everybody can find happiness know matter who you are or were you live, happiness comes from inside,

[iLdoRight]

04:17 AM on 11/21/2011

What if one is the last of the "Seaside Dusky Sparrows" ? When little children are crying it is probably an act done in order to get what they want. When I see them doing that on the bus or in a store I like to walk over and say, "My you sure can do that real good, did you learn how to do that all by yourself or did someone teach you how to do that?". Then I sometimes say, "We big people can tell when little children are just pretending to cry, cause we use to do that when we were little too." I heard someone say on TV something like, "When you have your children with you in a store engage them in what you are doing, explain why what they want is not a good thing to buy, give them things to look for and help them learn how to shop smart. Once I saw a very young infant lying on its back in the cart screaming its head off and realizing it was probably a scary thing to just go through the store looking up at all the lights going by, so I walked over and ask, "Has your mom been beating up on you again?" and the child quieted right down and as I continued to talk with it the two other children with the mom started talking at once showing the hings they had. Some children love and crave intelligent conversation.

[Cliff Rothband]

04:16 PM on 11/14/2011

You're as happy as you want to be?
Happiness is in the pursuit?
Happiness is making someone else happy?
Is it a state of contentment, a mood, an emotion?
Or is happiness getting ones own way?
Elusive huh?

[drj516]

03:53 PM on 11/14/2011

As a Psychologist in private practice for over 30 years, I've found there's nothing worse than a Doctor whose lost his patience (patients).

But seriously, you may not realize you don't have the right to be happy.
Checkout: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN3YWc7ijXI

[Darick Robertson]

11:47 AM on 11/14/2011

This is an excellent article and point. We do suffer in our culture being bombarded with images and ideas of what and how we should be. There is money in convincing someone that they are less than they should be and that perhaps the solution can be had, but for a price. Buy this, eat this, take this, and THEN YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

Like the late night TV ads showing the person struggling with the most mundane of chores, like chopping an onion, or making pasta, and it's a disaster in black and white, but when they get the magic knife, or kitchen gadget for $19.99 the world is in color, and all smiles, and it all fits in a drawer with nothing else in it. Just buy that thing and all complications will leave your kitchen forever. Right? But wait, there's more!

Or one could just learn to be patient and enjoy the process of preparing a meal.

Mindfulness is a challenge, as is self honesty. But the slowly earned benefits are real. Thanks for the great article.