THE BLOG

One Hundred Minutes of the Cheney Administration

07/25/2007 12:55 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Dick Cheney finally landed his dream job for 100 minutes this past Saturday when W's medical team went up his rectum in search of intelligent life. I have pieced together the definitive history of the Cheney administration although there are no written records of any kind to archive and anyone who participated in the Cheney administration have had their memories electronically erased.

The first order of business was the promotion to the vice presidency of his consigliore, David Addington. Often referred to as Cheney's Cheney, I prefer to call him Dick's Dick. They quickly got to business by reshuffling of the cabinet. Gonzo, Squeaky Rice, Maggie Spells over at Ed and the rest of the dwarves were immediately given their walking papers. No replacements were named, instead their jobs were outsourced to the International Management Company. I couldn't find any records of who owns the IMC or what it does, but there is a website that lists its mailing address as Dubai c/o Halliburton Energy Services.

The Dick's then issued a blanket pardon to anyone who had ever worked for the administration. The pardon read, "Anyone who ever worked for my administration over the last seven years is hereby declared innocent and absolved of any activity, action, event. Any words spoken or written by these people are hereby expunged from human history. They, like me, never existed or will have existed or have been know to exist." They then added a signing statement that read, in part, " . . . and furthermore, no one who worked in this administration ever did anything, said anything, wrote anything to anyone at any time. Take that you sissy liberals!"

Next up was declaring Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp a National Historic Trust Site. Scooter was fetched on Air Force II to open a bed and breakfast on the site to support its ongoing operations. Upon landing, Scooter sent back a coded message to the Shooter that read, "Have arrived. What do you think about pastels and florals? I think it means no lesbians allowed, ha, ha, just kidding! Will report back on vegetarian menu options by oh three hundred hours."

Time was really running short now and the courts were still not packed enough. In their planning sessions they had considered sneaking some arsenic into the chow line at the Supreme Court there was too great a chance that Clarence or Sam would take a bite from the wrong dish and screw the whole thing up. Honestly, they knew how often Clarence screwed plans up, always showing up late, and reading from the wrong cue cards. They went to plan B, Shock and Awe II. They appointed three Supreme Court justices as interim appointments not needing Senate confirmation. By the time Harry Reid figures out what happened next year, Chief Johnny B. Good and his beefed up posse will have remade the Constitution and added Cheney's face to Mt. Rushmore as a bonus. They'll begin by getting rid of those pesky Bill of Rights. As Prez Dick is fond of growling, "Who needs laws, always slowing us down."

Just five minutes left, oh so little time, so much history to rewrite! With just precious seconds left, the Dicks had the NSA change Harry Reid's legal name to Osama bin Laden. Really is was just for fun to see how the little guy would squeak and whine when the Navy Seals descended on him.

Suddenly the big red phone was ringing loudly. The Secret Service took an arm and a leg and began dragging Dick to his undisclosed location with Lynne by his side chanting soothing nothings and slipping him various medications. Muffled cries of, "Not done, not fair, not done, not fair!" were heard as the bookcase slid closed and darkness enveloped The Dicks once again.