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Allison Fine Headshot

The SOTU You Didn't See

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Frantic! I am frantically searching for just the right snack for the State of the Union address. It's critically important that I find just the right thing to eat to listen to W talk about civil war and "bipartisanship" without having it come right back up again. Past the twinkies and ding-dongs, beyond the pretzels and jellybeans, I finally settle on a Slim Jim Beef Jerky - its filled with fake stuff and has a funny aftertaste, just right for POTUS' SOTU.

But by the time I settle on my beef jerky, Dikembe Motumbo's head was brushing against the dome of the Capital and Anderson was waiting, in his casual wear with a tear in his eye, to sign off. So, I decided to watch the speech on C-Span later in the week to see how it started. The video began with W handing his speech to Nancy Pelosi and turning around and beginning.

Hang on, wait a minute!

The most fun of the whole SOTU is when the guy you've never seen before comes in, bangs his big stick on the floor like Debbie Allen in Fame and announces the President of the United States to Congress. I checked the SOTU videos from the last few years just to make sure that the Sergeant-at-Arms job hadn't been outsourced to India and there he was, Mr. Wilson Livengood, announcing W over and over and over and over and over again. Until this year.

Naturally, my conspiracy antennae went up, which they do whenever Dick Cheney is in the house - in this case, literally, in the House. Where did Mr. Wilson Livengood go, I thought, and what happened to his big stick, and will this Slim Jim aftertaste ever go away?

So I called my "high level sources" on Capital Hill and asked them the same questions (minus the Slim Jim part. I called the National Institutes of Health about that and they referred me directly to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.) What those of you who chose your snacks quicker than I did saw was a tape-delayed version of the speech. Here's the SOTU you never saw.

My sources tell me that Mr. Wilson Livengood did his usual bit. He entered the chamber, banged on the floor and announced, "Madam Speaker, the President of the United States." Suddenly, Nancy Pelosi jumped off the phone book on her chair, whipped out her oversized gavel from her garter belt, banged it down and shouted, "Not in my chamber, he ain't!"

The chamber fell silent. Dick Cheney roused himself from a nap to try to find out what the evildoers had done in the last ten minutes since he lost consciousness but quickly fell back to sleep having mistaken Pelosi for a leprechaun.

Jack Murtha shoved Livengood and W. out of the chamber and shut the door. All hell broke lose with Democrats cheering wildly on the left side of the aisle, the Republicans hissing and booing on the right.

W shouted to Livengood, "I'm your commander in chief and I'm commanding you to give me that sticky thing!" Livengood tossed the stick to the Decider and ran for the door. He hasn't been seen since; maybe he's in India right now.

W banged the stick against the door.

[Thump] [Thump] "Madam Speaker!" he shouted.

"Who's there?" said Pelosi.

"POTUS"

"POTUS, who?"

"What?" said the Decider.

"Who?" said Nancy.

With some exasperation, W thumped again and Pelosi answered again, "Who's there?"

"W?"

"Nope"

"43?"

"No, way."

"Iraq"

"Iraq, who?"

In a small voice, the Decider in Chief whispered, "We're between Iraq and a hard place?"

"Enter!"

The president entered the chamber, looking for all the world that he wished he was back in Crawford. Cheney the Hutt leaned towards W and growled, "Hey, Georgie, chew on one of these Zoloft, it'll make the night go easier. I've been chewing mine since November 7th."