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Mitt Romney in Conversation with His Dead Grandfather Via the Long Island Medium

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Long Island Medium: Welcome to Hicksville Mr. Romney. It's a true honor to have you here on the Island of Long. I didn't think such a busy man would schlep all the way out here. I gotta tell ya, I'm flattered.

Mitt: It's no trouble at all, really. No one would ever expect to see me in New York anyway. It's the safest place to meet.

Long Island Medium: That's exactly what Saddam Hussein said. He's been riding the A train out the Rockaways to get his daily dose of Vitamin D since '07 and no one's the wiser!

Mitt: I'll be damned! I knew it!

Long Island Medium: I love the hat by the way! Joda said those animal hats were so 2010, but zebra print is always hot in my book!

Mitt: It's a disguise. Real zebra. Shot it myself point blank with a long range rifle in the Serengeti and then wrestled its last breath out with my bare hands.

Long Island Medium: Why don't we get started? I feel a strong presence trying to come through.

Mitt: Pop Pop? Is that you?

Long Island Medium: I'm getting a covered wagon and lots of women. Something about hell and a man.

Mitt: That's him!

Long Island Medium: Tortillas. He keeps saying tortillas. There's no shame in leaving the salty lake for tortillas. They go great with some queso fresco and diced tomatoes and onions. And four wives.

Mitt: Get to the point Pop Pop. Will I win the election?

Long Island Medium: He says to listen. Talk less. Listen more. You and that floppy eared boy, he says, talk more than you should. Make things up. Better to live your life freely like he did than to lie just to win four years of free rent and a lot of names to memorize.

Mitt: Mexico is damn hot in the summer. Besides, I don't even know the name of all my 18 grandkids now with one wife. What in the heck would I do with multiple wives?

Long Island Medium: He's just laughing. Says you're stupider than he thought if you don't know why two women are better than one.

Mitt: But will I win?

Long Island Medium: It's not about winning, he said. Did you not listen to the part about how lots of wives are great? Also, gay people aren't so bad. They give great haircuts in heaven. Oh, and pay the Flakes their measly $1,000 in bail money. What's it to you? That's a drop in the bucket on your balance sheet.

Mitt: This is a sham. What a waste of my time. I could have been shaking crusty, stiff-minded hands out in Toledo.

Long Island Medium: Mitsy. I'm getting Mitsy. Little Mitsy's got a boo boo. Does that mean something to you?

Mitt: (silent)

Long Island Medium: Are you crying?

Mitt: Pop pop. I miss you and grandma. And granny. And grams. And nana. And abuela.

Long Island Medium: He wants to know why the heck you would close the borders when you know damn well you wouldn't be here if your Pop Pop hadn't been free to flee. Also, trickle down is a crap theory.

Mitt: Nancy Reagan didn't have it this tough and she let a psychic run the country! If any of this airs on Discovery, you'll need a medium to talk to you because you'll be dead.

Long Island Medium: That doesn't even make any sense and besides, my show airs on TLC.

Mitt: Nevermind. No one gives a shit about TLC. Well, it's been swell. If the neighbors ask, tell them a handsome stranger bearing no resemblance to the Republican nominee for the 2012 presidential election wanted to borrow a cup of flour to make pie. Now, how the heck do you get out of this democratic quagmire? I'm choking on all the blue.

*This conversation didn't actually take place except in the imagination of the writer, but it sure as hell could have.