04/03/2008 05:49 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

John McCain Is A Big F*cking Whore

Merriam-Webster gives the following definitions for the word "whore":

1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : prostitute; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman
2: a male who engages in sexual acts for money
3: a venal or unscrupulous person

Ladies and Gentlemen, John McCain is a big fucking whore.

John McCain is an embarrassment of contradictions. He claims to be a man of the people, but has spent his life surrounding himself with only the finest pedigrees of elite, rich WASPS. He pretends to be a proponent of political reform when in fact he chronically dips into the lobbyist cookie jar. He sold his soul for the fringe, right vote. Once a strict, non-interventionist conservative, McCain is now leading the campaign for Expansionist policies.

All of these realities blatantly contradict the McCain presented to the public, a "straight-talker," who is above the filthy game of politics.

John McCain is, in short, a whore.

Matt Welch carefully explains in McCain: The Myth Of A Maverick how the McCain of yesterday transformed into a lobbyist-humping, lying whore. In 1983, the young congressman votes against a measure to extend the deployment of U.S. Marines in Lebanon. He gave the following speech:

The fundamental question is: What is the United States' interest in Lebanon?" It is said we are there to keep the peace. I ask, what peace? It is said we are there to aid the government. I ask, what government? It is said we are there to stabilize the region. I ask, who can the U.S. presence stabilize the region? ...

What can we expect if we withdraw from Lebanon? The same as will happen if we stay. I acknowledge that the level of fighting will increase if we leave. I regretfully acknowledge that many innocent civilians will be hurt. But I firmly believe this will happen in any event.

Where was that John McCain when we need him? Sadly, he's buried beneath campaign contributions and writhing lobbyists.

McCain, that is the 2008 Whore McCain, is more concerned with winning the presidency than promoting any kind of consistent message. He was very, very anti-war until he wasn't, meaning until it became clear war was popular (around the time of the first Gulf War.) Then, old straight-talking, whorey McCain changed his entire life story. Didn't you know? McCain has ALWAYS been for the surge! He's ALWAYS been a military man! Except, when he wasn't, but that doesn't matter anymore...

John McCain is a rich elitist, who never stepped out of his warmongering ancestors' shadows. He was a Naval Academy punk, who transitioned nicely into the role of pissed-off, old curmudgeon. He's a rich, mean man, who holds a grudge. He was so mean, in fact, that his friends nicknamed him McNasty.

There are hundreds of contradictions to dissect, but let's examine the most popular: McCain is a Populist.

No. John-Whorebag-McCain spent more than three decades living in the Beltway, a far cry from his claims of existing outside Washington. For all intents and purposes, John McCain IS Washington. He and his wife bought their way into Arizona politics with their small beer fortune. Hardly a politician ushered into Congress by a populist wave of support, McCain spent $313,000 on his primary campaign alone.

Though that kind of cash has always existed in politics, McCain attracts a certain type of contributor, namely the mindbogglingly rich, unscrupulous kind. For example, Charles Keating (of the Keating Five Scandal) spent $100,000 on his favorite whore, McCain, during the 1982 primary.

John McCain has been a whore since he was a junior congressman, but old tricks die hard. In 2000, McCain lobbied federal regulators on behalf of a major campaign contributors that had given McCain access to their private jets. In total, Paxson Communications donated $20,000 to the Straight Talk Express. That kind of cash will buy a lot of love from any whore, even a whore of John McCain's caliber.

If and when the press gets over their love affair with McCain, they'll realize they've been in bed with one of the biggest Beltway sluts. On the McCain bus, there's no time for message consistency, especially during a campaign season packed with the act of getting down on both knees and suck, suck, sucking until the cash flows.

It has been well-documented, but under-reported, that McCain is a hypocrite and a liar. Whether discussing the Bush tax breaks, or his relationship with fringe crazies Hagee and Falwell, he has consistently flip-flopped, and lied -- BADLY-- throughout interviews, especially in the presence of unblinking oracle, Tim Russert.

In the upcoming campaign for the presidency, it will be important to examine McCain objectively. The press must observe McCain not as the super-duper guy you'd love to get a beer with, not as the tortured war hero, but as the lyingest lying whore to come out of the Beltway in a long time.