Like all years, this Democratic National Convention is touted as THE year that the Democrats will end that darn D.C. corruption and REALLY let the Republicans have it. For those of you who haven't been watching, it's the same stuff Kerry said at his DNC, and Gore, and Clinton, all the way back to that first morn at the dawn of time when an elephant stumbled into a dark, dank cave and raped a donkey.
When the constantly humming crowd hasn't been using Evan Bayh's speech time as a collective bathroom break, they've been parading around with AT&T swag. The tote bags given to DNC participants read "Denver2008" and beneath that rests the iconic AT&T globe. That is the same AT&T that willingly eavesdropped on American citizens and received immunity for the deed.
Now, AT&T is sponsoring the entire DNC for the same politicians that gave them their Get Out Of Jail Free cards. That is the same DNC that built this three-day PR charade on the premise that they are the new and improved Democrats - the Progressives - those blue knights on their stallions of "Hope" and "Change."
The conventions was billed as a "coming out" party for new, exciting political figures, their accessories, and some old Democratic dogs, who have learned new tricks, including Barack Obama, the suddenly anti-war Joe Biden, Michelle Obama, and the barely-repressing-their-rage Clintons.
Poor Michelle Obama managed to plow through her "DO YOU LOVE ME YET?!" speech without a major flub. She even looked like a loving wife and mother, and didn't publicly strike her daughter, Natasha, when the little girl enthusiastically yelled at the projected image of her father on stage. Michelle, again, passed her test with flying colors.
Of course, FOX will still speculate about her "dangerous" "anti-American" rhetoric. Michelle can wave all the flags she wants, but she'll still be portrayed as an "other." Certain Neo-Conservative, Australian CEOs of news conglomerates can't - and shouldn't - be negotiated with. Now is the time to embrace Michelle, tell her it's all going to be okay. Now is the time to tell Michelle that she can stop juggling the flaming clubs and get back to using her excellent mind on actual tasks aside from smiling and looking beautiful behind her husband.
But the last time I checked, the DNC isn't a pageant for First Ladies. It's about setting an exciting agenda for the Democrats' march toward the White House in November. It's about creating a $50 million security fusion center in the heart of Denver complete with presences from the Secret Service, FBI, State Department, and local law enforcement officials. The DNC is about keeping protesters in cages and beating the hell out of them if they escape. The DNC is about throwing the Blue Dogs a fundraising party at the Mile High Station where journalists, including Salon.com's Glenn Greenwald, are forcefully ejected by private security.
The 2008 DNC is about rebranding "Bad Wars" (Iraq) as "Good Wars" (Afghanistan). The DNC is full of National Security Democrats like Joe Biden, who are so terrified of looking weak on defense that they can't even acknowledge that maybe we should bring home soldiers from Iraq AND Afghanistan because both wars are pointless and based on lies. Just as Iraq never attacked us on September 11, 2001, neither did Afghanistan.
To harp on this point for the eight millionth time: terrorists within a country's borders attacked us, not the country itself. Fire-bombing Afghani citizens is sort of like if the National Guard had invaded Pendleton, New York and bombed the hell out of it in the wake of the Oklahoma City bombing. Sure, Tim McVeigh was born in Pendleton and may have even began his love affair with explosives there, but that's not the citizens of Pendleton's fault.
Furthermore, fifteen of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia, but the United States military never marched there to knock on King Abdullah's back door because Saudi Arabia is the world's leading petroleum exporter.
But I digress. Afghanistan = Good War. Iraq = Bad War. Afghanistan is just as much of a political and military quagmire as Iraq, but Barack Obama can't say that because then he'll look like a peace-loving hippy. Got it.
Things are so utterly ass-backwards at the DNC that the poster boy for the Progressive agenda has actually become Joe "MasterCard" Biden. I really can't blame the crowd for not seeing through Joe's deluge of bullshit. The man has the saddest backstory in the history of humankind. Everyone Joe has ever known has died in horrible fashions, his adorable mother coached him through a childhood stutter, and now his son is being sent over to Iraq. I hate Joe Biden and I sob when someone reads me his biography.
But his sad history doesn't make him a Progressive. The bank holding company, MBNA, is Biden's biggest political supporter having contributed $214,000 to his political career. These contributions led Biden to pen the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005, which Chris Dodd called "one of the worst bills ever." Biden then later voted "nay" on the G.I. Protection Amendment that would have prevented deployed soldiers from losing their homes to creditors.
At the convention, Bill Clinton remarked that Biden is a perfect match for Obama because of his "experience," the very thing Obama claims he doesn't need, it doesn't matter that John McCain has, and that "experience" thing can actually be a bad thing because Cheney and Rumsfeld have oodles of "experience," and look where that has led us.
However, Biden's experience includes being the architect of the drug war, which has been such a wildly unsuccessful cluster fuck that literally the only good thing to emerge from the mismanaged juggernaut is the HBO series The Wire.
But maybe the DNC was never about Progressivism. Maybe it was about the Clintons and the good ole' days of NAFTA. Maybe it was about Hillary and her projectile vomit-inducing line about the "sisterhood of the traveling pantsuit". Maybe it about the silver fox, Bill Clinton, and his last moment to swagger and shine in front of his congregation.
Since I seem to have missed the point, let me suggest a name change. Instead of the Democratic National Convention, next time the powers that be should rename the event the 2012 Clinton AT&T NAFTA MasterCard WE LOVE AMERICA, DIE TERRORISTS DIE Convention. Then, at least one truth will exist at the convention, and it will be in the title.
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