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Republican Elephant Gives Birth to Healthy Baby Boy

04/01/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

This is how bad things are in the Republican Party. The following 3-minute clip from 13-year-old Jonathan Krohn is considered the "highlight" of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC.) That's right, this whining, vaguely condescending stump speech (complete with funny voices) from a child is the highlight of CPAC.

Don't get me wrong, Jonathan has exceptional stage presence, and wrote a good speech about the so-called moral righteousness of the Republican party. I don't really want to pick on Jonathan here. Who I really want to tear apart is the Republican party.

Really, guys? THIS is the best you can do? Things must be really bad over there in Republicanland if you're putting all your Hope Eggs in the basket of a child, even though he is very brainwashed well-trained intelligent. You know he won't be able to run for president for another twenty-two years, right?

It is very appropriate that the Republicans are now turning to a wunderkind as their messianic leader. They already tried an old, white dude, a woman, and not one (but TWO!) men of color, and nothing has reversed the course of their party's renegade locomotive from speeding toward that cliff. It's almost like their ideology of deregulation and fucking the poor is, like, not working or something.

Quick, THROW THE KID UP THERE! I'M THINKING! WHY AM I THINKING?! Put him in a little suit!!!

Watching Jonathan do his thing up there, I couldn't help but feel deeply satisfied. It was like someone had ripped open William Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, or Newt Gingrich, and the screaming, petulant child that lives inside streaked out. The Republican party has finally become a living metaphor of itself: a lost, little boy, who thinks he's a cowboy, and who really believes a society can be built upon an ideology of selfishness.

I saw Jonathan's CPAC debut as more than a pageant. I felt like I was watching the Republican elephant give birth to the culmination of all its years of irresponsibility, greed, immorality, and pathetic tough-guy grandstanding.

Here he is, Republicans. Your new, baby boy:

I can already hear the curmudgeons out there saying children should not be fair game for ridicule. First of all, Jonathan Krohn is not trolling the internet to see if mean bloggers are badmouthing him. Jonathan Krohn is somewhere fighting a welfare queen for Jesus and Ronald Reagan.

And second, if we're not allowed to make fun of children, then no one could talk about Bill O'Reilly, so toss that attitude out the window, Sirs and Madams.

Cross-posted from allisonkilkenny.com. Also available on Twitter.