THE BLOG

Underreported, Underexposed

04/05/2008 07:01 pm 19:01:55 | Updated May 25, 2011

Allow me to put on my mittens, take you by the hands, and treat you like a retarded consumer incapable of critical thinking...

Let me convince you that it's been a rough couple of months for Senator Clinton. You see, my precious, Mrs. Clinton first overstated the degree of danger she faced while visiting Bosnia in 1996. Now, she's been accused of fabricating a health care horror story.

What's that? You think politicians frequently misquote speeches, overstate their importance, and lie about reality? You think this isn't important?

There, there. Shhh...shut up, my Sweet. Keep reading, my good little media consumer...

Senator Obama has had it rough, too, you know. The media has determined what is (and in Reverend Wright's case what is NOT) acceptable political protest, and they have collectively deemed Reverend Wright crazy. Personally, I'm super stoked they went ahead and made up my mind for me. I just didn't know WHAT to think of that big, black man, yelling and a'fussin' at his podium.

Luckily, the media decided for me. Apparently, I felt violated and a little uncomfortable, so the subsequent witch hunt and character burning-at-the-stake really made it worth the drama and endless news coverage. Thankfully, the Obama camp then went into crisis mode, and the Senator publicly distanced himself from a man he has known for almost twenty years.

I feel safe again. Don't you feel safe, Darling?

Oh, you may have also heard that Barack Obama cannot bowl. Surely, this means he will also be unable to lift a phone out of its cradle at 3 A.M. Let's focus on Barack's lackluster bowling form for the remainder of the week and only minimally discuss the following stories:

1. War Criminals live among us.

Vanity Fair printed a startling piece ("The Green Light") about the Bush "Torture Team," consisting of Alberto Gonzales and other top officials personally, who together visited Guantanamo in 2002, discussed interrogation techniques and witnessed interrogations.

The article's author, Philippe Sands, details how top Bush administration (Cheney and Rumsfeld) are directly connected to the use of forceful interrogation i.e. torture at Guantanamo. Torture is a violation of the Geneva Convention, which is a war crime, which makes Cheney and Rumsfeld guilty of war crimes.

In an interview with Democracy Now, Sands said:

In June 2006, the Supreme Court gave a judgment in a very famous, very important case called Hamdan v. Rumsfeld, and they said the administration got it wrong. The administration, by deciding that no detainees had rights under Geneva, had violated US constitutional law.

Justice Anthony Kennedy put in a separate opinion. He was with the majority. And he opened the door to war crimes possibilities. He said this means that war crimes violations may well be investigated in relation to situations in which the Geneva Convention was not followed. The administration recognized the threat that it faced, and within three months it had adopted legislation in the Military Commissions Act which created an immunity for any person who was involved in the interrogation of al-Qahtani, as well as many other people. That immunity applies within the United States.

But it doesn't go beyond the United States. And I describe in the Vanity Fair piece, in much more detail than in the book, the meetings I've had with a European judge and a European prosecutor, who basically said the fact that the US has created a domestic immunity significantly increases the prospects of international investigational prosecution, if any of these people set foot out of the country. And as the prosecutor said to me, that was a very stupid thing to do, to create an immunity.

In other words, the rest of the world is willing to hold the United States government accountable for violating international codes of morality and conduct. It is only the United States that refuses to hold Cheney and Rumsfeld accountable.

2. America is going to aim missiles at a country and hope the citizens don't defend themselves.

NATO leaders meeting in Romania have endorsed the US plan for a missile system in Eastern Europe. The missiles, widely seen as a first-strike tool against Iran, are kind of upsetting a lot of people, and not just their targets -- the Iranians. Russia's Putin is also pissed off, and I hear that guy can be a real bear when angered.

3. Iraq, you ignorant slut.

Remember that dumb bimbo, Iraq? When ARE those silly Iraqis going to step-up and embrace the goddess Freedom?

Not any time soon, I can tell you. Things are still atrocious there. More than 1,000 soldiers have abandoned their posts during a raid on Shia fighters. Among the thousand deserters were 100 officers, including a commander and deputy commander of an entire brigade.

If mass army desertion doesn't spell out REGIONAL STABILITY, what does...am I right?!

Meanwhile, when I searched "Shia" in Google, fan clubs and insightful biographies for Shia LaBeouf cascaded across my computer's screen. Who's Shia LaBeouf, you ask? Well, just the spoonful of medicine America needs to cure those trapped-in-an-endless-foreign-civil-war blues!

Seriously, go stare at his smiling little face for a minute straight, and then look me in the eyes and tell me you aren't filled with hope.

You know what? I feel better. All that real-world stuff was bumming me out. Maybe venturing through the world of celebutards is the modern form of meditation. I'm really beginning to understand why tabloid magazines and TMZ draw such large audiences. The real world sucks. Scary, scary stuff is happening out there. Let's hope Britney does something ridiculous and crotch-related soon so I don't have to think about a war with Iran!