I have learned about giving through the experience of receiving. There have been a lot of people in my life that gave to me, when they didn't have to, when there wasn't anything in it for them.
I haven't always known how to give in my life, I spent a lot of it, not knowing how to give love, not knowing how to give my gifts and talents not knowing I had anything to give.
I learned slowly from a few very special people in my life how to give.
My teachers come to mind. I've never really had a relationship with my father, he's always seemed like a ghost, somewhere out there, but just out of my reach.
I think subconsciously I created a lot of my teachers to be men, strong healthy role models of the healthy masculine to heal the old father wound. They were all available, attentive and loving.
I needed that. It has been very healing for me.
I ran away from home as a really young teenager and moved to Hawaii. I never knew there were people out there that wanted to help me just because, just to help, when I ran away that wasn't my experience. Everyone wanted something.
Before I found my calling God sent me an angel named Sean, I was struggling and had gotten into some trouble with the law, and I honestly didn't know what was going to happen. Out of desperation, fear and intense emotional pain I started going anywhere spiritual!
I met Sean in a spiritual community, he took me under his wing.
Every time I went to court it was so demeaning and scary, everyone treated me like I was already guilty, but not Sean, he was an amazing loving teacher. He taught me how to sit with people, how to love them and be there for them when things got hard.
I remember telling him, I'm so scared, I don't know if I'm going to jail! I have no idea what I could do to help another person right now!
He would say "Yeah just come with me, we're all going to go sit and be with some people who are suffering, just talk from your heart and give them what you can in the way of love."
I thought what's wrong with him! Doesn't he see I'm messed up! Doesn't he see I'm the one that needs help!?
But I just kept showing up whenever there was an opportunity to talk with someone struggling with cancer, or a teenage girl who had been molested. I just showed up and tried to help.
It changed everything, I just couldn't wait until Sean and our little team of helpers went out to be with another hurting soul. I suddenly felt I wasn't an awful person, I wasn't so lost.
It gave me a reason to live again.
When I first met Sean I was so worried about the case that I spent hours of many days crying on my bathroom floor, then Sean would call and say "Hey what are you doing, wanna sit with some hurting folks?"
I mean, I thought it couldn't be any worse than sitting on my bathroom floor crying. That gift he gave me of being able to give love to another soul was like medicine for my spirit.
I began to feel like, Hey Ama, you might be able to really help people! And you Really love it!!!"
I started thinking less and less about my situation and more and more about the next time I could get back out there with Sean and the team!
A seed was planted in my soul.
I learned from Sean that no matter how much you are hurting inside, how dark things get, you can still give, that in fact that IS the medicine that will give you the will to live again! To bring meaning back into your life! That's what happened to me.
I found that in life you can make mistakes and lose everything and in losing can be great winning.
I ended up taking a plea that the DA offered in my case, I was just too terrified to go to trial and gamble and maybe win but maybe lose.
I was on probation for awhile, lost all my money spending thousands of dollars defending myself and in fees.
I lost a lot of friends that couldn't handle the intensity of my situation. But I wasn't as focused on me and my situation anymore, I had found this new world of giving and being of service, and I couldn't get enough!!!
I remember going to endless court hearings thinking, I can't wait to get out of here and go sit with someone that's hurting! It's the only thing that saved me and kept me from the deepest despair and from giving up.
I kept going out with Sean and the team. I started to realize when I was sitting with hurting ones, I would get information about them, I had a gift, I could tell what was going to happen or what had happened to them before.
I would touch them on the hand or their head and they would start to feel better. I found that I knew how to talk with them and somehow they would be feeling better and filled with hope after we talked.
I began to find my calling as a healer.
The worst thing that I thought had ever happened to me, turned out to lead me to the best thing that ever happened... finding my gifts and my calling.... and the joy of being of service and giving!
That experience of receiving unconditional love from Sean taught me not to judge people too harshly, as you never know their story and how they got to be where they're at.
Sean knew my situation but he chose to see something good in me, he chose to see that I had something to offer and I started to believe him!
He didn't talk to me about giving, he made me go out and do it!
It was extraordinary! Sean taught me that the way to heal is to GIVE!
It was the most amazing thing, at my lowest point, I was asked to serve another human being and it healed MY hurting soul!
Yeah, I've learned a lot from my teachers. I've learned how to give, really give and the absolute joy that comes from giving is addictive!
Once you reach out to help another person, no matter what is going on for you in your life, you'll never stop, and you'll always know how to find your way back to yourself by reaching out and finding someone that needs your help. You'll find that you'll get hooked on that feeling of love and giving and you'll never turn back!! I didn't!
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