Rihanna's latest interview with Oprah has brought the issue of abuse and the complex relationship women share with their abusers back into the forefront of conversation. Many women, including myself, understand the conflicting, sad feelings RiRi described. Wanting to be with someone who is clearly unhealthy for you -- not wanting to let go -- is often classified as "co-dependency" or "love addiction." It's like a drug, with potential loss of both mental and physical health, and can sometimes even be life threatening. All of the above have been true for me, so anyone who thinks a little dose of love addiction is some modern day jargon, I am here to tell you it is very real and has kicked my ass since I started having relationships as a teen.
The challenge with recovery from this affliction is that you can't entirely cut people out like you can with other more tangible addictions like drugs, booze, pills, gambling, shopping, porn, etc. Learning how to have "healthy" attachments sounds easy, but in fact for someone like me who had damaged early relationships, it's like learning to be fluent in Chinese. One of the harder points is being able to recognize what is healthy and what isn't. For example, is it okay for your partner to raise their voice at you because you forgot to buy the coffee at the grocery store? No. That is NOT okay. No one should raise their voice or hand at you. Yet I have lived with both verbal and physical abuse in two long-term relationships and rationalized a way to stay.
You might not think I would be the "type" to tolerate abuse; I'm a smart woman with choices, a job and a life -- but I lived with violent men and didn't want to leave either of them. The first was when I was a just a teenager. One time he waited until I was in bed asleep and naked to start a drunken fight with me, which ended with him ripping the railings off the stairs and barricading me in the bedroom. With a swollen eye and a beaten body, my only escape was to go out the first floor window and hide in the trash can until my friend came to rescue me, totally naked in the cold of the English winter. Guess what? I didn't leave. I went back because he told me he loved me and I believed him, and if that isn't love addiction, I don't know what is. That relationship finally ended when he punched me in the face and I defended myself by returning the punch. For a second I felt bad, ashamed even. Who had I become? Not someone I wanted to be, but certainly someone who knew I deserved more. Even though I never went back to that guy, the fact that it took me so long to leave meant I was not the healthy teenager I should be.
Eight years later I fell in love with a man who appeared to be nothing like the angry boyfriend from my teen years (who, for the record, has only dated men since me). Be warned, a wolf in sheep's clothing can be very desirable, especially one who is famous, who meditates, who is ridiculously handsome and older than you. But no, a love addict will always pick the one person in the room who is unavailable in some way and is going to trigger all the chaos inside herself.
This one took me three years to leave. There were police visits, bruises being covered and too many nights spent sleeping on couches after fleeing abuse late at night. Why would I stay in such damaging relationships? I stayed because I didn't think I was lovable. I believed I didn't deserve better, that no one would love me again. I truly believed I'd be alone my whole life if I let go of this great guy. My friends eventually despaired of me, of course. How many times could they encourage me to care about myself? The truth is, there is no one who can give you that self love. It doesn't matter how many people adore you, or how skinny, successful, smart, talented, funny, kind, or compassionate you are. None of it matters if YOU don't see your wonderful self.
I had lived with abuse for many years but the worst abuse has been at my own hands and the appalling situations I have tolerated. It has been no easy road to recovery for me. I believe I was a codependent out of the womb and have been struggling to free myself from its vice-like grip for many, many years. The comforting part is that many of my close friends have had versions of the same challenge. It's not a sexy issue, so most people don't exactly go about broadcasting it, but I would say it's as common as alcoholism and often hides behind other addictions so it can be harder to spot. There are a few books I read that woke me up at the right time -- books that described in detail the symptoms I had. I was greatly relieved to know my absurd thinking and behavior had a name, but I was equally terrified because now I would have to confront it.
I am mother to three kids -- two of which are daughters -- and I knew I was role modeling a broken and dysfunctional way to love. I knew even if I could not heal for me, I had to heal for them. The first step to change is to acknowledge the problem. I was addicted to my partners, the same way an addict is to their drug of choice. I began to understand the "why" by reading every book I could find on love addicts. I found a therapist who challenged me, and I went to anonymous meetings daily. For the first time in my life, the focus began to be lifted from the abusers and onto the only place I have any control: MY life.
This freedom has allowed me to be a more present mother, friend and wife. It's given me the time to dream up a successful career, publish a book, create a television show for women and a website for us to talk about these issues. But, most importantly, I spend less time in that awful obsessive place than ever before.
Amanda x
Suggested reading:
1. All Al-Anon literature
2. Facing Love Addiction - Pia Mellody
3. Women, Sex, and Addiction - Charlotte Kasl
4. The Language of Letting Go - Melody Beattie
5. Addiction to Love - Susan Peabody
6. The Verbally Abusive Relationship - Patricia Evans
More resources
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Mandy Saligari: What Makes a Stalker?
"Girl I would have left his sorry ___after the first hit!"
The dynamics for each abused victim is truly unique. Below are a few reasons why a victim may stay:
Verbally abused, an abusive childhood, a controlling religion that says No because God doesn't approve of divorce, a victim with absolutely no self worth or self esteem, a co-dependent. And, the long list goes on and on.
When you reach the shivering edge of choice, faced with that crucial life changing shift, and find yourself saying "ENOUGH" that is when you will began the "process steps" of self empowerment. It took me most my life to reach the Enough point. I suffered from all the above mentioned (and, then some)
in fact I wrote about it in my first Memoir. I had to change all names, and not show my face in the
author photo for safety concerns. I shared my personal story to encourage all others, if I could do it...You Can Too!!
Free Me From My Cage by me :) "Aubrianna Rose"
Please seek the help of a friend that has been in your situation, one that can give you
the help and support you need. Please consider the book Free Me From My Cage by
Aubrianna Rose, I would also recommend you read my post from 9-19-12.
Another book is: The verbally abusive relationship: by Patrisa Evans I believe.
Empowering oneself doesn't happen over night, however you can and will get stronger, and that is vital for you to believe my beautiful sister.
Your fellow sister of past abuse,
Always Love,
Aubrianna Rose
Please my fellow friends never feel we can't escape our cages, because We Can! Love to all.
Thanks for taking the time to comment ...
She took responsibility for herself and her actions and that's something we have to encourage more abused women to do or we will never get them out of these awful relationships.
Also we should not forget the abused men but I would rather let one of them write a story before assuming what they are going through. One thing I know to be a problem is society not taking male abuse as seriously even though many men end up in the hospital due to the violence of their woman.
The only thing Im uncomfortable with is the term "love addiction". You obviously know by now it wasnt love you were getting. A drug addict gets drugs, an alcoholic gets alcohol. I just think there needs to be a better way of describing it.
Where was grandma and grandpa. Where was her mother or the aunts and uncles.
What about his family? Was this woman truly alone?
Years ago when the families of American were still together and not split up all over the country, these things were not as common. There were people around and relatives who had concern and there was interjection. Today is a different story.
People do not come from small towns anymore where they know each other. The High School sweetheart is being replaced with a perfect stranger who is only interested in sex and then has no concern for the person after sex is over.
Men have become monsters and it is a culmination of Pornography and the insensitivity of our, use someone and discard them society.
People used to kiss, have tenderness and warmth. Now people are more prone to go after the body or the sexual organ, than to show affection and tenderness.
Our world is changing for the worse and it is not going to get better.
I have empathy with this woman and know this is not isolated. I pray that the God who left us here will soon return for us at last. But alas, it will have to get much worse before that will become possible.
If in fact what is written in the scriptures is in fact true. I hope it is.
Wait a minute, you don't get to attack an entire gender for any reason. That's sexist and bigoted. The lack of respect for men and women are two sides of the same coin. The coarseness in our culture for one is rooted in the behavior of both sexes not just one. If you want to find someone to blame I suggest you first take a look at those who suggested women become more like the worst men instead of like the best men.
Do not take it personally. There are still normal and good men and women out there.
But the way things are going? Who knows how long they will last.
By the way, I am a normally oriented man. In case you are wondering.
A great movie.....ENOUGH.....................WOMEN AS WELL AS MEN ARE PERMITTED TO DEFEND THEMSELVES ANY WAY THEY CAN..............IF THE ATTACKER IS MAIMED OR KILLED IN THE PROCESS.............OH WELL.
HOWEVER, IN THE MOVIE ENOUGH....I WOULD CALL THAT MURDER.