Growing up, I loved to watch Dawson's Creek. Joey would go date Dawson, then Pacey, then wait now she loved Dawson but Dawson loved Jen? The romantic dramas unfolded and I ate them right up. This MUST be what love and life is supposed to be like right? Back-and-forth drama, never knowing if you like the person or if they like you, or maybe you like them but now you don't like yourself so it's all confusing. My sensitive side, the side that makes me a philanthropist and also a romantic also has got me into a lot of trouble because it has made me dramatic. My dad would always say "stop being such a drama queen." To me though, this wasn't in my control, the situation was just oh SO dramatic. I wanted to be like Joey in Dawson's Creek, I wanted to be like Carrie in Sex and the City with her dramatic, confusing experiences with Big, I wanted drama because that equaled excitement and romance.
Over my "soul searching" the past year, diving deeply into learning about myself, asking myself questions as well as testing my limits with others, I have learned that I have created a lot of unnecessary drama my entire life. I look back to those months and months with guys who were not right for me who I allowed to "string me along" or was it me stringing myself along? I also remember carrying on about things, telling my friends countless stories, "Well what do you think they meant when they sent this email?" only to be trapped in my own mind never remembering that I could walk away.
While I love to watch romantic comedies, I opted to go see Samsara this weekend for a change of pace. Samsara is a documentary film that is said to be a guided meditation of the interconnectedness of human beings by using 70MM film and piecing together striking videos from 25 different countries taken over five years. It shows piles and piles of garbage being sifted through, slums, extreme poverty, factories of thousands of people in uniforms making everything from toasters to computers, and beautiful imagery of nature from mountains to sand dunes. One clip is these amazingly talented men meticulously creating this masterpiece made of sand. It makes you think about how you are one human in a world of seven billion, you are one grain of sand in one huge sand castle, and your actions affect not only the world in you but the world you are creating around you.
When I stopped and realized that it was my choice to live a life filled with drama, back and forth behavior, confusion and anxiety or live a life of adventure, passion and joy, I chose the latter. I realized my energy is too valuable to waste on made up moments or back and forth nonsense that I had created in my head. At the end of Samsara, the men destroy the beautiful sand-made artwork, slowly and deliberately brushing over it. It made me think not only is life short, but as fast as we can create something, we can also put an end to it.
Drama comes from having too much time, too much energy. All that energy you are focusing on your "Mr. Big," living Episode 20, Season 2 in your own mind could be used to help others who need that energy, who don't have the luxury of having excess time or a choice to walk away.
Rather than a life of back and forth, of over-analyzing, of does he love me love me not drama, you could create, inspire and discover a lot you are missing out on. At the end of the day, the most important thing I realized is that whether it's Pacey, Dawson, or Mr. Big it is only me that has the power to make the decision to stop the drama and walk away. Stop being a drama queen, walk towards the path of love, adoration, awareness and focus, use that energy to love those who are deserving of your love and I believe that your king will be waiting for you, (minus all the drama).