Huffpost Entertainment
The Blog

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Amber DeGrace Headshot

A Vampire Does Not Make a Good Lover

Posted: Updated:

I haven't jumped on the Twilight bandwagon yet. Chances are I'm not going to. I realize there are now many women out there that are gasping and would like to pull me through the computer screen, shake me violently, and ask me what in the world can possibly be wrong with me. I assure you, I am fine. Judging from my friends, it seems the most devoted fans are in the 20- and 30-something crowd and nearly all women. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a male post anything about being on Team Edward on Facebook.

Vampires are too nice nowadays. Here is a fact: vampires are not nice. They have one goal, and that is to drain you of your blood. They don't want to fall in love with a human, no matter how lovely and voluptuous you are. A vampire views us like some of us may view a cow, and think about what a plump and juicy meal it could be. Vampires are scary, or at least they would be scary if they were real.

Rest assured, I do not believe vampires are real. Please do not recommend my name to a psychologist or anything like that. I am simply telling you that if they were real they would be scary and you would not trust them and you certainly would not fall in love with them. All these women who are fanatical for the Twilight series would probably beg for their mommy if an actual vampire ever appeared in her bedroom at 3am on a moonlit night.

I do suppose there has always been a trend for women to gravitate to the bad boy, to the criminal, to the man her father always warned her to stay away from. Maybe this Twilight craze is just the newest, faddiest extension of this phenomenon. It used to be that the hunky hero in a film was a pirate or outlaw cowboy. There is something sexy about a man that can handle a weapon and not injure himself, I admit. Then there were films that cast the rebel or the patriot, the 'lone wolf', as the protagonist; he usually has lost the love of his life and has been wronged by his country and we ladies just sigh and swoon as if he is simply the most amazing specimen of manhood ever. We dream at night of British spies, muscular Native American chiefs, and masked bandits coming in a whirlwind of passion into our lives and whisking us away to an exotic Paradise. Well, I don't dream that. I am a happily married woman.

But the vampire, that blight on human's mortal existence being the protagonist I simply cannot abide. Whatever kind of offspring would come forth from such an unholy union? What if his fangs accidentally bit you? Can you imagine nursing a vampire baby? I shudder at the thought. At some point you would need to decide whether you want to get old and withered and die while he's still young and beautiful or if you want to spend the rest of your (un)life consuming blood because you decided to become a vampire as well.

I realize I am in the minority here and please don't take offense to what I say. Look at the positives of my indifference to the Twilight films. It leaves more Edward for all the rest of you! It also leaves two empty seats at the movie theater since I won't be dragging my unwilling, yet wonderfully loving husband with me. If Edward decides to come choose someone to join a harem of vampire followers in the future, I guarantee he will come for you and not me.

Besides, if I truly had to fall for a vampire, it would definitely be Brad Pitt in Interview With A Vampire. Ladies, your Edward is safe from me.

Around the Web

'Vampires Suck' Trailer Hits The Internet: Look, Another Vampire Spoof!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Once bitten, forever smitten

'True Blood' breaks the Emmy vampire curse

Hot and dead: Literary vampires before 'Twilight'

Twilight sparks biting spree among teens

Katerina Graham Teases "Stronger" Bonnie on Season Two of The Vampire Diaries

Kid Cudi And Vampire Weekend Create An All-Star “All Summer”

"Love bite" - a trendsetter among teens

Robert Pattinson: The vampire migrates from Forks to Spain

"Vampire Academy" Series Being Developed For Film