I am a drug addict. I use uppers and downers.
But only to make me a better parent.
I never drank coffee before I had kids. At least not in a "Fresh Pots!" sort of way. We didn't even own a coffee maker.
Back in those days, I looked down upon anyone who needed coffee in the morning. The more they required it the less I thought of them. They were weak. Slaves to the bean. Didn't they know it is a drug they are addicted to? Just stop drinking that shit and then you won't need it.
Kids wake-up with energy. Kids wake-up with loudness.
Kids wake-up too f**king early.
No I will not play with you. Go away. I need coffee.
I don't need it. But they need me to have it.
I'll stop drinking it just as soon as they stop waking me up before the rooster crows.
(We don't actually have a rooster. Did you think we did when I wrote that? That would be cool. Maybe I should take this out and let you think we have a rooster.)
So that is my little helper pick-me-upper in the morning.
And then there is the evening.
Sometimes, after an especially rough day, I'm stressed out at night.
Everything sets me on edge. I'm a bundle of nervous thoughts.
Go to bed. I can't handle one more minute of this parenting thing. I have to do this again tomorrow! How can I handle another day like this one? Nobody is listening to me!
But then my husband hands me a glass of wine.
Again, I don't need it. But they need me to have it.
So that is my occasional little calm-me-downer in the evening.
Coffee & wine. My unsung parenting tools.
My Crappy Disclaimer: Blah blah blah, yes alcoholism sucks, blah blah blah, notice I said occasional, blah blah blah, did you know that judgmental people are ugly, blah blah blah.
Eating entire pints of ice cream is another favorite unsung parenting tool of mine. As is sneaking chocolate. And snorting huge piles of cocaine.
Just kidding about that last one.
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.