THE BLOG
10/26/2012 06:40 pm ET Updated Dec 26, 2012

WHiP IT! Our Responsible Outrage

Women: Trust your own outrage. Own it. Someone else may need you to express theirs. Thank you to my women.

This is dedicated to the women who cannot speak their truth. It is for those women's voices that cannot express themselves for fear that they will be destroyed by the man in their life.

Here's what goes on inside the heart/mind of these women who soldier on and keep up the bogus fronts to hide the pain pulsating within. They mother, they friend, they love, they caress, they serve, they work with the inner scripts frothing with every cell that divides within. Let's peek in. Listen. Feel. Taste. Touch and see with the intuitive eye.

As women, when we show up and stand on the shoulders of those who came before us, we lift them higher and higher as we touch a chord that says: "I'll catch you, mama... fly."

We are here for her, for you, her children and for all womankind.

So many of us women know someone whose life is like this. It can be me, you, the cashier, the honor student, your physician, your lawyer, the prisoner, the high school dropout. It could be your yoga teacher, your coach, your child's teacher, or even your grandmother and maybe her mom. This usually threads through the generations. Let's stop it now.

Awareness signals the brain to stop the pattern.

So many women -- myself, family, friends and many of my students and clients -- have had to shut their voice up, dim their light and settle for a life stuffed down to raise another. We had to prop, compliment, corral and be a whipping post so a man can feel more whole than when we found him.

The dream of desiring a string of moments threaded by true caring, allowing, nurturing, honesty -- with an openness to plant, to cultivate, sustain and reap a lifetime of pleasure -- was just an illusory fairy tale, meant for others. Not us. We were supposed to be content -- satisfied -- with the feeling that we are "missing something," and we're not exactly sure what that "something" is. So we keep looking.

Missing something and not being able to share it. A prisoner to hope, unexpressed.

It appears as that unnamed feeling in the pit of your belly or the feeling of being strangulated as your neck and throat are screaming inside. What about the recursive repetition of words that ricochet off the wood-paneled walls of your brain? That were meant to put you in your place and not to upset anyone else (your mom, dad, lover, significant other). The times you can hear that loudly is when you're not busy -- most conveniently, when the time is ripe to settle comfortably to heal, detoxify and replenish -- at night, in your bed.

The ABCs of the Abuse/Fear Cycle

Anxiety. Apprehension.
Betrayal.
Condemnation.
Desire.
Excommunicated.
Fear. Fright.
God.
Hell.
Insomnia.
Jarred.
Kindred spirits.
Love Lost.
Man rage.
Never again.
Opinions different.
Puddle jumping.
Questions.
Remember you.
Sad.
Tumult.
Unveiled hurts.
Voice.
Wanderlust.
Xenophobic.
Yes.
Zen.

The moment when quiet and peace, alone, is greater than when you're engaged with your man is the moment you know you just divorced this significant person in your life. Emotional divorce.

Then any time spent after this only adds to the burden of your own feelings of insufficiency, shame and doubt, began early in life, sustained by choices to keep the code of the original recipe and emboldened in your present-day relationships. This is an opportunity to realize you don't have to continue unconsciously-encoded childhood patterns and answer to those expectations of familial psycho-contracts. The time to shift our soul's path is now, globally, for all women.

As Alice Walker says:

I advocate that every woman be a part of a circle that meets at least once a month or, if you can't do that, once every two or four months. But you have to have a circle, a group of people --- smart, wise, can-do women -- who are in the world doing their work, and you need to meet with them as often as you can so that they can see what you are doing and who you are, and you can see the same. And you can talk to each other about the world and about your lives in a circle of trust and safety. It's crucial. It is crucial for our psychological health and our spiritual growth. It's essential.

So there you have it. Our way of being raised, honoring the unspoken codes so seductively spaced in between the breaths as you napped in your crib or just toddled about. This has predicated the choices we have made. So go back and look. Ask. Inquire and see how you are pulling forward the emotions from the perspective of the little abandoned girl whose parents fought and gave her nighttime terrors, or your dad's threatening to leave with your mother crying as you begged him to stay and not leave you. You became your mom's caretaker, the watch tower for them. And... maybe this is similar and much like your guy today. Or maybe you witnessed your dad battering an older sibling or even you, or you got a "spanking." Did the pain register as "closeness" or intimacy with rage? Were you bad? Nah. Was he not keeping a leash on his own insufficient self? Definitely.

Feel the pain and see how it brought you to where you are today. And know, now, you can
"Expect more. Accept less."

"Trust your own outrage." -- Courtney E. Martin

Set your women's group. Or join ours. Be a part of the circle -- the never-ending connection of starlight glimmers on a string of common love.

Women unite like never before!

For more by Amy Elias, MS, click here.

For more on emotional wellness, click here.