This post is dedicated to husbands who have committed adultery. Of course I realize wives do it too but I only write about things of which I know or have experienced first hand, and in this situation I was the wife. I want to tell you how to go about dealing with what will surely happen after you come clean, confess, are found out, or finally, are ratted out by your crazy mistress who knows that it is her you really want, and since you cannot find it in your heart to break your wife's heart she has a sit down with her and does it for you, so the two of you can live happily ever after together. BTW if you even think for a moment this is going to happen, be a man and come forward. I cannot tell you, how hearing it from someone else only adds to the hurt. On top of feeling pain and betrayal I felt like a clueless dumb ass as well.
When I learned of my husband's infidelity, I became obsessed with it. I spent hours a day googling INFIDELITY:WHY? I found all sorts of really helpful tips about rekindling the flame and winning back my man. I even ordered a LOVE KIT: "Sure to put the spark back in your marriage!" Imagine my surprise one week and $72.99 later when I opened a bright red box containing a deck of cards showing 52 sex positions, (some were just for dogs, I think, ) and a long stick with a pink feather hanging from it. Yes, I thought. This should do it.
The point is, your wife is going to think about nothing else for awhile. You may need to pick up the slack, help more with the children, the house, etc. Sure you're tired from all the apologizing you are doing but let me tell you, talk is cheap. Walk the walk, be there for her in any way she needs. Understand her world has just become a twilight zone, and every morning when she wakes up, it takes her a minute to come to the awful realization, this is not a dream.
Let me say here I fully believe a marriage can rebound from infidelity if, 1) It is not a repetitive behavior but a one time bad decision and 2) The person who committed the infidelity is willing to deal with the pain and agony they inflicted on the spouse. This will be quite gut wrenching and consist of the wife breaking into tears at inopportune times, such as a business dinner with your boss or Thanksgiving dinner with your folks. It may manifest as phone calls to your office several times a day, and drive bys of your work place or golf club to see that you are really there. Deal with it, and do it like you mean it. Also, nothing wrong with a nice gift or two in this phase either. Just saying.
Unfortunately, my ex and I were not among the lucky and strong. My divorce took place in a series of steps. First was the absence of the husband several nights a week that I blamed on work. Then there was the announcement of the other woman, which frankly left me very stunned and unable to continue in my tennis league. Seriously, the day after he told me, I was playing the net in a fierce competition against a woman half my height and twice my width, when all of a sudden a movie of my husband screwing another woman began playing over and over in my head. Over and Over. In a daze, I literally wandered off the court, put my racket in it's case and drove home. That was four years ago. I have not played since.
Be prepared! Your wife is going to demand, beg for and threaten to throw you out for good if you do not give the details of the relationship. I'm not talking about the names of restaurants and if you ordered the wedge salad without tomatoes like you usually do. I'm talking about the physical aspect of your relationship and I mean she will want to know everything, from positions to pet names. Under no circumstances, release this information. Now looking back I thank my ex for sparing me this. If I could tell you how raw my throat was from screaming at him with this demand, I don't know if you would believe me. There were nights I screamed till I cried and beat my fists on his chest. He held out. Thank you.
Another question that will continue to surface is, "What does she look like?" You can answer but give only basic information. 5''4'. Normal build. Blonde hair (of course, was there any question?) Don't answer with: amazing tits, beautiful face, hair like Penelope Cruz, an ass like two cantelopes. Have a heart, because I can promise you, even if your wife is the spitting image of Heidi Klum, she does not feel pretty right now. Unfortunately, this is not something that botox and Juverderm can fix, it goes much deeper than that.
Finally, if you are not committed to saving your marriage with all your heart and soul, or if there is even an inkling in your heart that you may continue seeing this other woman, leave. Don't be half in and half out, while your wife goes through her days waiting for the other shoe to drop. She deserves to heal, in a healthy, positive environment. Be a man and give her that.