Global Warming's Cool!

The United Nations reports that people and emissions are almost certainly to blame for global warming. The administration pooh-poohed such scare tactics, and then scrambled to learn if any U.N. members had undercover CIA spouses they could out. Meanwhile, conservative "no-think" tanks were mobilized to discredit any science that constipates the Republican agenda. They're the intellectual fiber that gets the message out -- brainy bran muffins for the masses.

Can we trust the administration's stance that the threat of rising temperatures is just a lot of hot air? Not according to a very high government source -- meaning his position, not what he's smoking. Republicans have long known that the climate is a-changing, he claims, according to a secret White House memo.

So why have we virtually ignored investing in alternative forms of energy? Why have we awarded huge tax credits to buyers of gas-guzzling Hummers? To help Big Business benefactors? No. The memo reveals another reason why we're burning more and more oil from countries that hate us...a very sinister reason. Google a map of the last election, and it's obvious that global warming has a striking political benefit. Hint: it's not the Red States that are on the coasts. As temperatures soar, who would a rise in sea level affect most? You got it -- global warming is an administration plot to submerge both coasts and flush away Blue State voters.

"Buh-bye, Barack! Bon Voyage, Hillary! Don't get your hair wet, Edwards! Keep kickin', Biden! Put on those floaties, Al -- enjoy them kelp forests while they're there! Hasta la vista, Richardson! Stay here, Kerry...we like running against you."

These rallying-cry slogans appear in the memo, as do cartoons of Al Sharpton in a wetsuit...renderings by Rove.

And to ensure the plan works, Brownie's brought back to head FEMA.

With pods of Democrats awash, the memo states that leisure cruises will also give outdoorsy Republicans an alternative to watching ugly whales. A fun day for Christians at sea!

According to our source, some Republicans questioned whether this plan was going too far. They were immediately fitted for deer costumes at the vice president's shooting arcade. They reconsidered. They were also assured that the planet would be fine. Sure, there might be some rogue monsoons and extra funnel clouds to pester Red States once the Blue States are wiped out. But at least the non-believers will be gone. If they want democracy, let them swim to Iraq. We gotta keep those fossil fuels burning to preserve our country!

But in the face of mounting scientific evidence that we've put our planet in heat, it's gotten harder for our leaders to not break a sweat. Suddenly, the administration's being forced to show that they care. According to the memo, an E-card, chosen to demonstrate concern for saving precious paper, will be sent "to all environmental cults, green freaks, that tree-hugger Darryl Hannah and eco-terrorist Ed Begley Jr." The message: "Global Warming's Not Cool." Next the president will announce his "War on Climate Change." Then in a bold move being considered, he'll join with big business in a diversionary tactic, to make sure the "real perpetrators" of global warming are held accountable -- peri-menopausal women and their hot flashes.

FACT: Women are living longer, and global body heat has increased. When Bangladesh floods, don't even try to pin it on Exxon. "The change" is behind all those El Ninos and icecap meltings. Think we can count on Hillary to admit that? Not! Per the memo, "Despite her chilly exterior, she's part of the cause."

The memo states that it should be clear now why the administration doesn't back the Kyoto Protocol -- mid-life women aren't banned from fanning in front of open windows at 2 a.m. to cool down. Result? Glaciers breaking apart in the night, and confused penguins wondering why they're waking up in Bermuda with a tan.

But the presidential advisers noted that since half of all voters are female, pinning global warming on them would cause a dramatic outcry -- and that's not factoring in the mood swings. Save embracing alternative forms of energy and forsaking political contributions, the memo concludes it's best to advocate a more positive attitude toward global warming. So in keeping with the administration's sunny attitude about everything awful, the White House has mobilized a team of right-wing scientists to explore the benefits of climate change.

For instance, a rise in sea level could mean urban streets may finally get cleaned. Those clanky trucks, with the rotating hairbrushes under their chassis, can barely scrub bird offerings from the asphalt. But a steady flow of salt water could sanitize the roads, and maybe even create some new inner-city tide pools for the kids. Who wouldn't love to find a lobster on their lawn, or discover a cute sea slug on their doormat? And eels make great pets...they're electric and emission-free.

Also, many of us won't have to be rich to afford beachfront property. Buy in Nebraska now -- in 10-20 years that investment will pay off handsomely. Sure, as temperatures rise and Omaha turns to jungle, water pools might be rife with typhoid and yellow fever, but insect lovers who take their malaria pills should be just fine. And exciting new strains of worms and parasites will just keep us all lean, curing America's obesity problem. Our numbers may dwindle...but there will be less gridlock on the freeways.

Maybe the best option is to throw out -- in the recycling bin, mind you -- the government's secret memo and follow the U.N.'s advice to drastically reduce emissions. If we don't, the consequences could be dire. I mean, do we really want to see Al Gore giving his next PowerPoint presentation topless, with a bad heat rash? That's one inconvenient truth we can all do without.