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Amy Wilson

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What If a Mother Had Been in that Locker Room?

Posted: 11/10/11 11:19 AM ET

Now that heads have rolled at Penn State, it would be easier for the rest of us to put the whole outrage out of our minds. The grand jury presentment against Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State football coach and supposed model citizen, is not what anyone would call recommended bedtime reading. But if you are a parent and haven't read the whole disgusting saga for yourself, you should -- and be outraged that so many children were allowed to be hurt for so long.

We've been here before, sadly; this case bears many similarities to the sex abuse scandal that has rocked the Catholic Church for the last decade. But reading the charges against Sandusky, it struck me anew: both this case and all the cases that came to light in the Church were perpetrated and covered up entirely by males. These scandals, in other words, were mother-free. Of course pedophiliac predators are, by and large, male; statistics tell us so. But it goes beyond that: once again, everyone who knew something, and who chose to do nothing about it, was also male.

Perhaps there is a resistance to this subject matter that was particularly male. What was happening was so shameful that the men who witnessed these acts couldn't even put them into words. And so the grad student who witnessed the actual rape of a child? He didn't call the cops; he called his dad. The janitor who witnessed yet another child being raped? Told his supervisor. That dad, that supervisor, that senior vice president, that lauded football coach -- all the men who were told -- then did nothing, and once they were called on the carpet before a grand jury, claimed they didn't really know. That they weren't really told. That it was "horsing around," or "inappropriate activity." Not "rape." Not a crime.

These decision-makers were men of a different generation, who, as we have seen over and over again, sought to save their friend and themselves from embarrassment rather than save a child. But even thirty years ago, I believe, a mother in that locker room would not have witnessed that act and walked away. A mother would have not have left without that child. A mother would have asked him his name. That's why Sandusky picked a football locker room to molest his victims -- it was the most un-female space he could find, which made it, at least for him, the safest.

True, in this case two mothers of the abused children themselves tried to report Sandusky's behavior years ago, and were rebuffed. (By men.) It's easy to judge them now, to ask why these mothers didn't do more, but it's not their fault the authorities in place failed them and their children so miserably. Times have changed; now we all know to go right to the cops if we witness child abuse, rather than expecting a diocesan council or head of university finance to bring justice. These mothers did what they knew to do. They had suspicions, not proof. They never witnessed the evil themselves. They were never interested in protecting the man at the scandal's center. They did not conspire to keep the children faceless, in order to avoid comprehending the evil they were choosing to ignore.

Now President Spanier and Joe Paterno have lost their jobs, and despite the unruly protests it provoked, I think most of us think their silence deserved punishment. But that can't change history. Sandusky was able to ruin children's lives for years because no one ever shouted "Stop!", or took names, or spoke up and didn't stop. There was no one putting the child first. There was no mother in that locker room. And so twenty-three pages of documented evil end with the incredible frustration of knowing justice can, these many years later, never fully be served:

No report was ever made by [the janitor]... [who] presently suffers from dementia, resides in a nursing home and is incompetent to testify.

Victim 8's identity is unknown.

 
 
 
Now that heads have rolled at Penn State, it would be easier for the rest of us to put the whole outrage out of our minds. The grand jury presentment against Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State foot...
Now that heads have rolled at Penn State, it would be easier for the rest of us to put the whole outrage out of our minds. The grand jury presentment against Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State foot...
 
 
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06:59 PM on 12/10/2011
Unfortunately children are never safe alone with an adult male. Better safe than sorry. Sorry to all you non-horrible men, but you do understand, don't you - why we can't take the chance and let our children be alone with you?
01:45 PM on 12/13/2011
If men offend by physical acts women do so with toxic attitudes...such as yours..... I am sorry thatthe non horrible women out there will never understand that men have to start increasingly protect themselves from the poisons you spread not just sm,earing all men with one brush but increasingly making it seem as if women are teh only ones capable of making correct choices.

Men and women are people with desires and although womens tragressions are less looked at because they fall into the psychological not physical realm, they are no less damaging and most would agree psychological manipulation and abuse is often more damaging. Society will never be equal until this is addressed in our legal system. Until then, our society will continue to marginalize men in media, the education system and all aspects of society under the guise of equality which really means, we will force men to change, but dare not analyse ourselves.
08:15 PM on 01/03/2012
By your reasoning, paintpaintpaint, no teenage boy should be left alone with a female teacher! You are part of the problem with all this helicopter-parenting. Good common sense, yes. Painting all men as potential abusers, NO!

And how ironic, NONE of these men are gay. Wow! And yet gays and LGBT like me, can't get married in most states, because we have to "think of the children!" Yeah? Well THINK of them, then!
11:12 PM on 11/21/2011
I don't understand how in the world this turned into a male versus female controversy. Really? There are mothers that abuse their own children, there are mothers that abuse other people's children. Yes, it's more common for a man to do that, but with most things in this world, it swings both ways. PEOPLE need to stand up for what's right. My husband would never turn his head to an act such as those that took place, and neither would I. It's unfair to say that anything would be different if a mother knew about it...because obviously they did.
02:06 PM on 12/13/2011
Well you see we have a government funded equality movement which enforces that womens groups get preferenti­al treatment and as there are no mens groups to counter their interest and particular­ly anti male bias, you can expect more of this. As male feminist writer Warren Farrell found in the 80 ies, womens groups have evolved largely into misandrist groups and with that agenda. Their organizati­ons have become political establishm­ents with no counter balance and they organize and co ordinate their message thru the media, business (Oprah and Madonaa schools for women and womens networks) arts(Lilit­h Fair eg) and of course politics to achieve set goals, again with no counter balance. This is why men are finding it increasing­ly difficult to have fair and respectabl­e representa­tion in media, law and social environmen­ts, increasing­ly vilified, emasculate­d and rendered impotent. Much to these womens glee. As this becomes the norm you will see more and more acceptance of the anti male é misandrist movement and gender polarizati­on as normal culture... yoga studios are the new churchs for these folk. Men are to busy trusting or competing to pay attention to the change. A good read or listen on you tube is Warren Farrell`s The Myth of Male Power. In the battle of the sex`s only one side showed up.
12:08 PM on 11/18/2011
Women, we have to stand up! Men are in it together! The two people whose actions resulted in actual police investigations (including the one that went to the grand jury) were actually women. Women were the ONLY people to have results, even paltry results like these.
09:37 PM on 11/17/2011
Stranger Abduction Sexual Assault Survivor and Child Safety Expert, Keith Smith shares "5 Steps You Can Take to Keep Kids Safe" at www.MenInMyTown.wordpress.com
12:09 PM on 11/16/2011
Many, many mothers over the years have turned a blind eye to their own husbands abusing their own children. Don't be so sure that mothers would not allow such a thing to happen. I would venture to say that without mothers ignoring and denying the crimes, most of the child sexual abuse that occurs would not be possible.
isadora
Leftie, educator, labor activist, Unitarian Univer
07:19 PM on 12/01/2011
Indeed there is a former Miss American who finally told of years of her father's sexual abuse of her and of one sister. The father, she reported, would advise his wife that he was leaving the marital bed at night to give his daughters back rubs because they could not sleep. Wouldn't a mother question this unresolved sleeping problem in two of her children that necessitated the father giving them massages on a continuing basis? Would she not see that the daughters saw a physician to see if there was a medical reason for the insomnia? I spent a few rough years as a social worker with teenage clients. There are mothers who look the other way when their own children are being abused.
11:41 AM on 11/16/2011
Three words: Judge Leslie Dutchcot. Did she help protect children?
11:33 AM on 11/16/2011
Amy Wilson, you forgot to mention the judge who released Sandusky on unsecured bail. I think we can agree this potentially exposes more children to an alleged predator. Oh wait! That judge was Leslie Dutchcot, a female. Sorry this doesn't fit in with your sexist theory that only females are interested in protecting children.
11:24 AM on 11/16/2011
I (female), a friend, and other girls were abused by that friend's father. When we finally told her mother, she did not report any of the abuse and instead remained with her husband and pushed us to continue contact w/ him. It's probably true mothers are more likely to respond to stop the abuse, but it's not universal.
12:10 PM on 11/18/2011
That has to end. I agree. We need to take responsibility for allowing men to abuse our children. Stop being polite!
10:38 PM on 11/13/2011
Victim eight probably will end up suffering in silence and paying for their own therapy. Assuming that would be of any help at this time.
09:24 PM on 11/13/2011
The first duty of a gentleman is to protect children. Joe failed and that is why he was fired. There are generally two types of people: those who know their duty (man or woman) and those who have never given it much thought and are less likely to act correctly. The good that is going to come from this Penn State tragedy is that many who have not thought about how to react to this type of crime against children will now know what is expected of them.

Colleges across this nation have long suppressed the reporting of sexual crimes against their students. It happens on every campus every year many times and it is suppressed by administrations far too often. I give a prayer of thanks for the grand jury members who had the guts to open this up and not continue this horrible cover up at Happy Valley. Praise to the jury.
09:06 PM on 11/13/2011
As far as I'm concerned I would hope that anyone would walk in on someone doing something to a child that they don't hesitate, think and politic it out. We can argue someone being in shock, being immature and not trusting their own judgement, bottom line is I would've made sure the kid was safe and everything else be damned. That's me thinking it out and spelling it out irrespective of parental status. I know if I had the misfortune to witness something that terrible I wouldn't have thought, I'd have reacted! Like as not I couldn't have hurt the guy physically but I would've tried to stop it. I would hope if someone had failed in that aspect either by lack of thought or deed that someone else in authority would have done so, not that it EVER should get to that point. The sheer fact that students protested Joe PA's situation makes me queasy. He's just as complicit as far as I am concerned.
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TurnToTheLeft
We have nothing to lose but our chains.
05:37 PM on 11/17/2011
Mike McQueary is one of Jerry Sandusky's victims. He did the right thing - stopped the rape, turned Sandusky in to the head coach Joe Paterno and called the police. He risked his whole future career just doing as much. How much more was he suppose to do in the REAL WORLD. Get himself banned from all Football Programs. The criminal is Jerry Sandusky NOT Mike McQueary.
11:19 PM on 11/17/2011
"I did stop it, not physically ... but made sure it was stopped when I left that locker room ... I did have discussions with police and with the official at the university in charge of police.... no one can imagine my thoughts or wants to be in my shoes for those 30-45 seconds ... trust me."

According to the police he never reported it, above quoted from his email states he did stop the rape but leaves the details a little vague other than he did not physically do it. This is the most up to date report I've read and again when does a friggin' Football Program factor into doing the right thing and following up properly? I would've taken the ten year old with me, called the police and his parents on the way to the hospital. You don't put aside your morals for the sake of your career or future, and it concerns that people think you can take a grey area position on this?!!
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
IraqOut
02:57 PM on 11/13/2011
Amy, as long as you stay in denial, you are the problem. Your denial happens to take the form of being in denial about women, but it is just your version of the same damn thing going on at PSU. Many commenters here have eloquently provided specifics proving how very wrong you are about women. How can you continue to ignore them?

Your problem is that you want to compartmentalize and say "Bad exists in that box, but not in this box." Don't you get it? That is exactly what this whole scandal is about. Open your eyes, be accountable, apologize for an article that just adds to the fundamental problem at the root of what you thought you were condemning.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
mariah12
03:24 PM on 11/13/2011
I disagree. The writer brings up a very interesting question about why men choose to protect other men. Child sexual slavery and human trafficking, for instance, couldn't exist without the tacit approval of men in positions who might be able to stop it.
HUFFPOST SUPER USER
IraqOut
08:27 PM on 11/22/2011
No you miss the point. This isn't about men; of course men are the offenders 99% of the time. My point is that the article misses the way in which women contribute. Like Paterno, they aren't the offenders or getting any residual benefit from the offense, but sometimes they don't want to rock the boat they are floating in. In fact, incest is very common and there are damn few mothers turning in their husbands like they should. The lesson we should be learning here is not to turn a blind eye and not to assume that supposed heroes like Paterno and mothers are doing the right thing. Let's investigate more closely and not cast a protective shield over any group.
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amywlsn
whendidigetlikethis.com
11:20 AM on 11/14/2011
I tend not to reply to comments on stories I write, though I am always very interested in them, and read everything people have to say. I'm glad you disagree. I'm glad you disagree vehemently enough to say so. I know my point of view is just that-- an opinion, not a fact. I said what I meant to say, and there are plenty of commenters here supporting my point of view, just as there are many others supporting yours. I'm glad this debate is taking place in this space. But I'm not sure there is anything I can say on either side that hasn't already been said.
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IraqOut
08:15 PM on 11/22/2011
Yeah, there is something you could say that hasn't been said. "I'm sorry I tried to shut down awareness that creating the child sexual abuse context involves more people than we want to admit. I'm sorry, I discouraged women from addressing the role that they play in protecting offenders. I'm sorry that words I wrote may contribute to more children being molested. I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to admit when I am wrong."
12:20 PM on 11/13/2011
There is no proclivity of women being more righteous than men regarding their views on child abuse, or vise versa. Each person, be it male or female is responsible for their own morality regarding the issue. In my 57 years I've found and seen that it makes no difference of the sex of the indivdual, as many of both turn a blind eye to the most sickening circumstances. I went to Penn State and have been a huge Joe Paterno fan for over 40 years. And now it breaks my heart to be blindsided with the knowledge that he did not stand up and use his powers to slam Sandusky for his actions 10 years ago. I thought he would have been above turning that blind eye. What a shame.
09:09 AM on 11/13/2011
If I would have been in that locker room....Some pair of nuts would have been kicked real hard. Then Law Enforcement would have been contacted immediatly.
04:22 PM on 11/14/2011
I cannot say exactly what I would have done had I witnessed such a horrific crime, but I do know that I would have done SOMETHING. At first sight, I might have screamed or thrown something. Maybe I would have split Sandusky's uprights (I'd like to think I would have). I would have called the cops, for sure. You don't need to be the Incredible Hulk to do that.
12:16 PM on 11/18/2011
If he would have been beating that boy with a bat, what would you have done? I can't believe there is any hesitation about what should be done if you witness a rape.
02:16 PM on 12/13/2011
Of course, law enforcement is made up of mostly men...... ironic omission on the part of the author .
There are definite psychological issues saying more than the words of her story does and they are much less healthy than the subject of her story.
08:25 AM on 11/13/2011
I just signed up for this and commented on some responses. I hadn't noticed but this article was shown under the heading "women" .... Is there a section called "men" that I haven't seen?