09/09/2013 06:06 pm ET | Updated Nov 09, 2013

What to Do When You Google the Guy you Lost Your Virginity to and His Mugshot Comes Up

1. Don't panic. Just because the naked woman tattoo on his neck resembles your Senior photo, it doesn't mean it's you.

2. Be happy! You didn't marry him. Plus, he's in jail!

3. When the time is right, tell your daughters you lost your virginity to a boy who wrote poetry and bottle-fed abandoned baby birds. Then, with a far-away look in your eyes, say he died tragically rescuing a drowning foal.

4. Don't be so hard on yourself: He didn't have a mullet when you met him.

5. Don't lament, thinking you lost something precious. Your virginity was not the Blue Diamond thrown overboard by the old lady in Titanic.

6. Get inspired. You can't go back in time and change your vagina's story, but you can prevent this from happening to someone else. Go ye therefore, and teach a better way...

How Not to Lose Your Virginity to a Guy With a Mullet and a Mugshot.

First, know this: Unless your vagina murders someone or steals a flat screen TV, rest assured, you're a good person. Your moral worth as a human being is not determined by the activities of your vagina.

Second, know this: America is obsessed with vaginas. Like it or not, your vagina is equipped with a news ticker broadcasting up-to-date headlines. The question is...

How to Keep Your Vagina Out of the News?

Abstain from sex. Not because only one man can win the golden ticket to your vagina, but because you make intelligent choices elsewhere in life, such as not sharing your toothbrush with everyone who asks to borrow it. The same applies to your vagina.

Stay sober at parties. This will definitely keep your vagina out of the limelight.

Stop talking about other people's vaginas. What your friend does with her vagina is none of your business. If you catch yourself whispering, "Did you hear about so and so?" I recommend adding the word vagina, such as, "Did you hear about so and so's vagina?" The conversation becomes much less appetizing. One small step for your friend's vagina, one giant leap for the privacy of your own.

Wait to meet someone who writes poetry and bottle-feeds abandoned baby birds. But if find yourself alone on a Seniors-Only River Cruise, you may have waited too long to find the right person. The question now is...

How Do You Know You've Met the Right Person?

You might think it's when you're in love. But people love Meth and Justin Bieber. And what we love changes. Which is why getting a tattoo at the height of your passion for My Little Pony is never a good idea. Respect, on the other hand, is like that super rare Pokemon card that just sold on eBay for fifty thousand dollars.

It's easier to know when it's the wrong person. (Creepy Mugshot Guy was once a creepy teenager with a mugshot lying dormant within him.)

Ask yourself: Does this person say or do mean things and then apologize with big, sad Anime eyes? Does it happen again the next day? Is there a pattern? Am I ignoring it? Do my friends think this person is truly amazing, or am I the only one who "understands" him? And most importantly, find out how long it took him to break his egg-baby in 9th grade Human Development class.

While vetting candidates, you might be advised to make a Purity Pledge, vowing to save "it" for the first man who proposes. Do not do this. It is creepy. Don't pledge your "purity" to anyone, not to your dad, your priest or your future husband. Your vagina is not up for trade. It's YOUR vagina.

Which Brings Me to This:

It's your VAGINA. It's not a public swimming pool or a germ-infested waiting room for herpes patients. Keep it private. Keep it clean. Your vagina has a life story. You're the author. Don't write in creepy characters. Just because a guy doesn't have a mullet, it doesn't mean he isn't yearning for one deep in his soul.