Let's face it, it's impossible to go on any millennial's Facebook newsfeed and not hear about how excited they are for Girl Meets World (because I'm sure the tween-girl show will really have adults coming in by the droves after the first episode.) But, if you grew up watching the escapades of Cory, Topanga and Shawn, you'll suffer though it the same way you did with the 90210 and Melrose Place reboots just to find out what they're up to.
Let me give you a sneak peak -- apparently Cory and Topanga are about thirty-two years old, have stayed successfully married for about fourteen years, have three children (two of which are teenagers), have a home, steady jobs and stabile incomes.
Well, that sounds accurate to millennial living...right?
Give me a break.
If they were at all true to my generation, Topanga, Cory and Shawn would be in a polyamorous relationship. They would all still be living with their parents, Topanga would be the only one who was employed -- and she would be the one who was a teacher (not Cory), and Cory and Shawn would be working on their own blog. Cory and Topanga would be engaged about seven years already, but "waiting till they have a little more cash saved up"... and as far as kids go?
"Oh, not for another couple of years."
As the author of my book series, The Peter Pandrew Trilogy, I feel it necessary to vocalize the truth behind my Peter Pan generation. So, why not take a look into the lies some of the other shows of our time told us on how life would turn out?
How They Say It Turned Out: We saw a time jump to show us any unanswered questions.
Summer became an activist and after college found her way back to Seth, whom she married. Ryan went to Berkley, ended up becoming an Architect and took in a stray kid the same way he was taken in. And he smiled at Taylor Townsend at Seth and Summer's wedding- which means nothing since no one ever cared about her.
Oh, and Marissa, a.k.a the best part of the show died.
How It Really Would Have Turned Out: Probably not much different from Boy Meets World -- which kind of had a similar core set up (it's clearly a formula that works.)
Summer probably would have gone through her activist "Occupy Wall Street" phase in college, before coming home to Newport and just going back to being a spoiled Newport bitch all over again. She'd probably get a job in some fashion showroom doing PR work, but let's face it -- she's rich and that's tedious and annoying so she'd quit by twenty six and just be looking for a wedding ring.
Seth wouldn't be ready to get married by twenty-six though. He'd be too busy smoking weed, playing video games and working on his "comic book" as he waited for it to become big. Maybe by like twenty nine he would get the money from his parents to get Summer a ring because they want him to propose so badly. He would end up working in The Newport Group doing something he hates and really just living off his trust fund and the two of them would eventually become something like Jimmy and Julie.
Ryan would probably never get over Marissa (because who would?) and he would have dropped out of college in his sophomore year and fell into a drug habit. Don't worry -- by thirty he's really trying to clean up his act. He doesn't do any of that bad stuff anymore -- "just weed cause it's all natural." He's a "personal trainer" (like they all are, eyeroll) and he's trying to get on the Cohen's good side again.
And still, no one cares about Taylor Townsend.
How They Say It Turned Out: Another time jump, courtesy of creator Josh Schwartz, with an even more trivial ending than The O.C. finding both leading ladies successfully married to their respective end-game partners (Chuck and Dan), and everyone owning like, at least five million-dollar empires each by the age of twenty-two.
And no one ever had to go to Brooklyn again and lived happily ever after.
How It Really Would Have Turned Out: Ever watch Girls on HBO?
Well, that's the general idea.
Basically, these bratty trust-fund upper east-siders would actually be excited to live in the bed-bug infested slums of Brooklyn. They would go to those rave-warehouse parties and wear vintage clothes with Peter Pan collars and not comb their hair. They would do performance art in coffee shops and start bands called "The Smoking Radishes," or something stupid like that.
The girls would be at each other's throats on a daily basis and the idea of a "steady boyfriend" is ridiculous, let alone a husband. Dan's writing would be too important for him to settle down and Serena would support that cause. Meanwhile, Chuck would be selling drugs (not because he had to -- but because he's so hard. Probably pills -- Oxy's.) and end up serving a few months in prison while Blaire would constantly be talking about how she can't do this anymore. Which...isn't too far off from the show.
How They Say It Turned Out: Again, a time jump, finding Joey and Pacey together, while Dawson was ridiculously okay with his friends betrayal... all because he made a hit TV show out of their lives.
Meanwhile, Jack wound up with Pacey's brother Doug -- who came out of the closet, and the two of them took over custody of Jen's daughter...
...After Jen died.
How It Really Would Have Turned Out: Dawson was meant to be gay.
It was based off Kevin Williamson's real life experiences with his girlfriend growing up -- and clearly, look how that turned out.
Dawson would have moved to New York to pursue his dreams -- simply because it was closer to Capeside, and eventually, Joey would have chased after him. Dawson would have been the premiere twink for the first few years he was in New York and hit all the gay clubs while working as a PA on film sets. Him and Joey would joke all the time about how they are Will and Grace. She would be thinking she would want to live an artist lifestyle the whole time she was there, desperate to keep up with him.
Finally, by twenty-seven, his looks (if he ever had any) would go, along with his youth and he would become a bitter post-twink that feared being the one people looked at last at the new gay club. He would quickly find a forty-three year old wealthy dentist to support him so he could continue to be "the young one" in the relationship and go on weekends to Fire Island. He would stop saying he wants to be a director and instead say he wants to work as an executive assistant in a production company.
Joey would feel like a fish out of water and finally break down and get married to the first loser she sees. Unfortunately, that loser can't be Pacey because he knocked someone up around twenty-three and he's now struggling to make ends meet. She would become a teacher and move back to Capeside. She would hate her life and blame Dawson for all eternity, but she would constantly post pictures on instagram about how #happy she is.
And as for the rest of it? Whatever -- I can deal with the Jack and Doug ending, because any ending that kills off Jen is fine by me.
How They Say It Turned Out: Not so much a time jump, but a confusing "future spell" where Felicity got to see her life with Ben and how he cheats on her.
She gets her chance to come back to the present day and do it over again and choose Noel. But, the pathetic, pitiful, thirsty chick she is...she still chooses Ben. But, what do you expect from a girl who picked a college based on where the guy she liked, that she never even spoke to, was going?
How It Really Would Have Turned Out: Felicity stupidly chose a fate which she already saw.
She will undoubtedly be working as a receptionist in an office somewhere, supporting Ben, his drug habit, two screaming kids and his "dreams of being a DJ" as she ignores him cheating on her all the time. They will move back to their hometown and she will really be stuck.
If she's lucky, he might be able to sustain a managerial position at like, Shop-N-Stop, but he's really hoping that whole DJ thing works out for him! Cause EDM is a trend that will really last another three years. And nothing is sexier than an unemployed thirty-three year old who wants to be a "house music DJ."
Can you say "stable future?"
How They Say It Turned Out: Well, technically there were no future predictions or time jumps here -- just a solid ending. However, it did wrap up all the loose ends pretty nicely.
DJ got back with Steve, Kimmy remained her best friend and also had a boyfriend, Stephanie finally racked up some story-lines and a friend in Gia, and Michelle got her memory back.
How It Really Would Have Turned Out: My guess is that after the concussion, Michelle would have suffered from dissociative identity disorder and thought she was actually twins (remember all the times she thought she was both a good version of herself and a bad version?)
Growing up the daughter of the host of Wake Up, San Fransisco and the niece of Jesse and The Rippers would be rough on her and she would end up wearing long billowing clothing to disguise herself from the press. She would also end up dating tons of older men to satisfy the strange uncle issues she has because of a man that was too hot to live in any household.
Gia ended up being a bad influence on Stephanie. Like... really bad. Stephanie ended up losing herself to drugs and going on a downward spiral that made her take a while to find her way out of it.
And DJ? To separate herself from her troubled sisters she turned to God -- big time. Some might even call her...over-zealous.
Yeah...I think that sounds a lot more accurate.
Follow Andrew Cristi on Twitter: www.twitter.com/andrewcristi