Maybe I Need an Announcer

03/04/2014 10:10 am ET | Updated May 04, 2014

Surveying the reconfigured talk show landscape, I became annoyed that everybody gets to do a monologue but me. After all, I have hilarious thoughts as I hear the day's news. Why am I the only person who doesn't have a venue to share them? I decided I'd do a daily monologue.

At first I thought I'd post videos, but realized I'd have to be either thin and shaved or self-conscious and unhappy, so I resolved to post in text form, via social media. After a nap.

Rudely awakening, I had forgotten my ideas, so I turned on the news to re-spark what I'd conjured, but it didn't work. Also, there was no new news, thus no chance for new inspiration before "tonight's show."

But so what? I could nuts and bolts it the way paid staffers do on other shows. Just take the news and turn it into jokes. After all, what did I need? About fifteen?

I got to three before I realized I might want to make food or watch television instead of, you know, continuing.


"The president, unveiling his "My Brother's Keeper" initiative, said he'd like all children of color to have the same chances he did, imploring leaders to enroll them in a Muslim school in Indonesia."

"While In Arizona, activists are up in arms after Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a bill allowing authorities to refuse to deport undocumented workers who offend their religious beliefs.

"And in New York, Mayor Bill de Blasio finally implemented his plan to end the city's controversial 'stop and frisk' tactic, by hiring all young black men as police officers, leaving no one to stop or frisk as long as uniforms are worn at all times. Soft cop hats will be made available for sleepytime comfort and paper costumes will be offered to visitors of color at the bases of bridges and at the TKTS booth in Times Square."


Now, the wrong ears will infer from the first joke that I subscribe to the "Obama is a Muslim" thing. I don't, of course, I was simply manipulating a biographical fact. But knowing the potential effect, I had to choose between conscience and expedience.

I chose expedience, just like they do on TV!


Andrew'll be appearing nightly at the Edinburgh Festival from 2-23 August , 11:25pm at the Dragonfly, Grassmarket, 52 West Port Edinburgh EH1 2LD. Perhaps by that time, these by-then meaningless jokes will be (almost) perfected.