THE BLOG
07/09/2013 12:56 pm ET Updated Sep 08, 2013

What Your Shoes Say About You

After returning from my first day of Kindergarten my parents asked me how it went. Instead of answering like a normal person, I proceeded to tell them what kind of shoe every kid in my class was wearing like some kind of autistic Zappos employee. When all the other children would take off their shoes to play in the park, I would velcro my L.A. Gear tighter and light up the shit out of that grass. Shoes helped me kick the back of nerd's chairs, outrun my first teacher, impress my first girl and boot my first homerun in kickball. I have always been more or less at the top of my shoe game. Keds slip ons. Check. Pumps and Gears. Worn. The Sean Kemps. Ramalamadingdong! Jordans V-IV. Copped. I've been riding at the crest of the wave for two decades, looking like Kelly Slater with shoes on, until now.

I sucked it up and bought a plaid shirt. I went shopping with a girl and she convinced me to buy considerably more form fitting jeans (Will never admit to Skinnies). I even bought a swooping pastel V, but never did I think the day would come when I had to buy "adult shoes." We've all seen them. I believe their actual name is wing tips, but I'll call them adult shoes. They are suede and they make you look fantastic and responsible. Maybe it is a psychological barrier I have constructed to slow my maturation into a full-fledged adult, but whatever the case, I'm starting to feel judged by the shoes that I wear. The shoes you step out the door with in the morning (or late afternoon if you're an effin loser) carry connotations whether you want them to or not.

Vans -- You might skateboard, but you probably don't. Maybe you were enchanted with the idea until you realized how painful it is to fall off, so you kept the Vans to give you steez points. I don't blame you. Vans are a versatile shoe that goes well with both shorts and pants. They embody the essence of simps casual and can be worn to the beach or the club. Vans carry a bit of a dude vibe, but guess what? Some dudes are super sweet so lay off bro.

Flip-Flops -- I don't know how many times I have to say this. If you aren't at the beach, you can't wear flip-flops! You look like a real joke. 'But these are Rainbows and they have formed to my feet patterns...." Shut it, and refer back to my line where you look like a joke. Also, don't even think about wearing them with pants -- ... oh god, you are going to wear them with pants aren't you?

Boat Shoes -- These things have become popular somehow. I'd say they are mostly a sunny day, go to brunch, bottomless mimosa kind of shoe. When you put these on you are saying I'm ready for a hootenanny, and I could possibly help out on starboard if need be.

Running Shoes -- If you aren't jogging, visiting a foreign city or a genius, running shoes says you either have a terrible back or you have given up. There is nothing more pathetic that a pair of tattered jeans and crusty New Balances. Step your game up.

Toms -- Are you a Chinese labor worker? Fifteenth century court Jester? Elf in Santa's workshop? No? Then take those off.

Jordans -- This is a tough one. Shelling out $150 for Jordans used to make you the bell of the ball. Now, as much as it pains me to say it, rocking Jordans makes you look a bit dated and clunky. While MJ is still revered, his shoes reached their cool apex in 2001.

Nike Air Max -- What a pompous shoe! These kicks haven't gone down in price since '95. I didn't study econ, but something seems fishy about that.

Air Force Ones -- Much like Nelly, these shoes can only be found in old music videos and probably for good reason.

Converse -- Chucks make you look cool, calm and comfortable without actually feeling any of those things. There is absolutely no support to this shoe. It's a wonder how every ball player until the '70s didn't snap their ankle the second they stepped on the court.

Adult Shoes -- Congrats! You made it. You're an adult. You've taken that step that says I'm ready to start dating girls my own age, paying for my cell phone and washing my dishes immediately after the meal. This shoe says you've been to a foreign country, your balls are big and there are more than three $20 bills in your leather wallet. Well done guy.