Frank Bruni's recent op-ed in the New York Times,"The Bleaker Sex," asks if disconnected, worthless sex is the new state of the world for young women. Bruni laments that "what's happening [in the bedroom] remains something of a muddle, if not a mess."
Although potentially provocative, the article completely omits two central components: men and relationships. The stories being told by Bruni -- made timely by the new HBO series "Girls" and its star/writer/director Lena Dunham -- are located within relationships. The sex that's described is not between two people who've agreed to have a one-time fling, but rather between people who are ostensibly trying to have an ongoing romantic relationship of some sort. Bruni almost completely leaves out the men in those relationships, providing only fleeting descriptions that suggest the worst stereotypes of young men's sexuality.
It's hardly an accident -- or news -- that relationships are a mess; we've been hearing about those difficulties for nearly half a century, since claims the divorce rate approached and reached 50 percent began being vaulted in the press. What we're missing is an understanding of why relationships are a mess. The answer is both simple and complex: we give young people very little guidance in developing healthy relationships.
In common culture -- the world of the media and popular Internet content -- we get a very singular depiction of a good couple, or at least good courting, in a million variations. He makes the moves, she guides the relationship and they eventually get married and live happily ever after. Yes, there are misunderstandings and the couple almost -- or does -- break up before they come to their senses. That realization is accompanied by an (often grand) apology, acknowledgement of misunderstanding or fear and the couple lives happily ever after.
In most segments of common culture, the work it takes for couples to stay together is invisible. We don't really see the efforts to identify one's own wants and the difficulty in balancing one's own needs with a partner's needs. We rarely see crises whose resolution requires more than an episode or two, and certainly not the same problem occurring over and over. We never see the resentment that builds up when one person always puts their partner first and rarely, if ever, gets their own needs met.
The places where that content appears with some regularity are aimed squarely at girls and women, in shows like "Sex and the City" and magazines like Seventeen. We occasionally catch pieces about the challenges of making relationships last in shows that appeal to broad audiences, although "Mad About You" might be the last one to really spend any time with the issue. These kinds of relationship dynamics are definitely not in the segments of common culture aimed squarely at guys, like "SportsCenter" or Car & Driver.
At home, 75 to 90 percent of parents say they've had "The Talk" with their teens, but only about half of teens say they've had that conversation with their parents, according to the research. As its name suggests, it's a one-time thing. It usually doesn't last very long, no more than 10 minutes according to the adolescents. And it's almost exclusively focused on sex, or not having sex, with little attention to how sex can affect a relationship.
Parents do talk about relationship with their kids, although they're much more likely to have those conversations with their daughters than their sons. When girls are in a bad mood or having a problem, parents are more likely to ask specifically about relationships and put more effort into finding out what's going on; sons receive much less parental prodding and are much more likely to end up figuring it out on their own.
So what's the message? Girls talk about relationships, almost exclusively with other girls or women. Boys get to figure it out for themselves. As a result, boys and girls have very different levels of knowledge about relationship dynamics. It's no surprise some people think they're from different planets!
It doesn't need to be this way. Boys and men can certainly learn this language. We can talk to boys about the characters they see in the media, asking what they think about how X is treating Y, the sacrifices Y makes for X, etc. And you don't need a "chick flick" to start the conversation. If he's a sports fan, ask him about loyalty between a team and it's players. Was LeBron wrong to leave Cleveland? Did the team do enough to support him? Or ask about a team's duty to a top-tier veteran whose coming back from injury, and the rookie replacement who's playing phenomenally. Who gets to play and who has to sit? And how does that decision affect what goes on inside the locker room?
Relationships are central to what it means to be human; our species is inherently social. About 80 percent of boys report having at least one serious relationship during adolescence, and about 90 percent of men will get married at least once in their lifetime. It's time to start teaching boys and men how personal relationships function.
While this is the understatement of the year, kids grow up and arent all that dumb. ONce they become aware of the parental relationship in their own, they internalize what they perceive as good or bad about it, and hopefully (hopefully!) they take that into their adulthood. I know firsthand how one sibling can grow up and have healthy romantic relationships and the other can grow up and not have said healthy romantic relationships because one never identified the unhealthy aspects of the parent's relationship that they knew they did not want to repeat. I dont think it's so easy to blame the parents is what Im saying, which it kind of seems you are implying. The very idea that children never see healthy marriage relationships when they are growing up even if it isnt their parents is a little hard to believe.
optional and marrying you is optional.
Marriage is little more than a life long struggle for dominance and control. Women rightfully complain about men doing this to them, yet society has taught them to do this to men. So what is there for a man to marry for? Children? Maybe. But as life demonstrates, some religious mumbo jumbo and paper with an official seal doesn't make a marriage or parenthood. A real man doesn't evade his responsibilities, especially not to himself. He can't care properly for any offspring if he isn't himself whole. Making the mistake of marrying only puts him further away from that condition.
Huh? So a man can only be whole if he is alone? I dont follow, what point are you making?
Young females are known to have serious problems taking the romantic overtures of their close male friends seriously. They are likely to be open to advances of a random male than they ones they spend the most time with. The fabled "friendship zone" keeps boys from starting relationships in a healthy place and keeps girls from accepting them when they do. We need to teach young people that friendship is the best place to start a relationship with a mate rather than basing their mate selection exclusively on sexual interest and the males willingness to pretend the female is special long enough for her to become attached.
Other than that we need to face up to the consequences of promiscuity. It causes both genders to devalue the other and treat each other as sex objects. Discouraging partner hopping will allow both to feel more secure.
Once again, please clarify who is "we"? Most parents want to keep their boys occupied with things other than girls for as long as they can.
"Young females are known to have serious problems taking the romantic overtures of their close male friends seriously."
Please document how this is "known". I'm pretty sure it's just another one of those ways men justify their rejections, by comforting themselves that they're too nice and good. It's a self serving lie.
Your formula, as always, seems to be to make sure girls learn to reward self described "nice guys" who they don't find attractive. And if girls won't do that, boys should learn to mistreat them. It's all part of that same formula for dysfunction. It also has nothing to do with this article which is about men and women forming HEALTHY relationships, not twisted ones based on the most misogynist reading of women's characters possible.
"Please document how this is "known". I'm pretty sure it's just another one of those ways men justify their rejections, by comforting themselves that they're too nice and good. It's a self serving lie. "
You want me to document he fact girls don't take their nice guy friends seriously as romantic partners? Just google it and you will find plenty of links. This is really common knowledge like men changing how they treat women after sex.
Men don't need such an elaborate excuses to deal with rejection because it's a normal part of their lives. Not being wanted is no big deal, but being rejected by some female is not a big deal but her choosing some random dude instead of a friend is. This creates a disincentive to be good and makes a guy feel like he is punished for being her friend. If he can't be friends with a girl at the outset then he has to avoid friendship with females to keep them open as romantic options.
This has nothing to do with hating women. Women do have flaws just like men.
Which should say much about this article's tacit presumption that they know more about relationships. A broken picker does not speak to relationship wisdom.
If you are an adult who isn't teaching your children this get your game up. But an adult should understand this. And no one should marry - MARRY FOR PETESAKE - anyone who doesn't understand this.
Anyone who does has failed about the most basic adult responsibility test.
period.
Re: "It's time to start teaching boys and men how personal relationships function."
Let's start with "He makes the moves..." See a comprehensive look at the sexes' most destructive behavioral difference: "The Sexual Harassment Quagmire" at http://malemattersusa.wordpress.com/2011/12/11/the-sexual-harassment-quagmire/
Your link also puts all the blame on women as though men do not control their responses. The link is drivel.
"ARE YOU THE ONE FOR ME", BY BARBARA DEANGELIS. I AM A CLINICAL SOCIAL WORKER, AND IT HELPS MY CLIENTS ALL THE TIME, AND HELPED ME MAKE THE WISE CHOICE OF PURSUING MY WIFE OF 19 YEARS...THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.
http://www.rickross.com/reference/gray/gray3.html
Caveat emptor.
P.S. that last book store I was in listed "The Game" with society and culture, when it should probably be in relationships, too. (That or teen fantasy)
The unspoken presumption is that women understand relationships, and men don't. That's wrong. What is abundantly obvious if one has any experience with the real world of relationships is that men and women misunderstand relationships. They just do it in different ways.
How, praytell, if a man's horizons can be widened by getting the other gender's perspective, can a woman's be anything but shunted down the narrowest of corridors by her reliance only on those of her sex?
If you want to know about relationships, come ask me. I understand them. Yes, ladies, likely better than you, if experience is the guide.
Women are as responsible for relationship problems as men. The ones they don't create, they tolerate.
The one who did is moving on now.
Um, unless she's been raped, it is only if she wants it to be.