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All Your Stupid Rants Against Millennials Just Make You Sound Old

06/04/2014 04:32 pm 16:32:40 | Updated Aug 04, 2014
gabriela schaufelberger via Getty Images

They're coddled! They got too many hugs! They got trophies for trying! They'll never make it in business! These rants are popping up in my Facebook feed and my Twitter feed all the time now. I don't know what the hell millennials did to you to incite all your ranting, but I will tell you how it makes you look: irrelevant, scared, angry... you know, OLD.

Do you not get how this works? Every generation complains that the next generation will ruin the world because they have it too easy. Your grandparents thought your parents were pussies, and your great grandparents thought your grandparents were pussies, and your great great great great grandparents thought it was a goddamned crime that your great great great grandparents let your great great grandparents see sunlight and have food.

Each generation gets to start life one rung higher than the previous generation. That's a good thing, you old fart. You're like the fifth-year senior hanging around the frathouse complaining that the pledges aren't getting hazed enough.

You think civilization's gonna crumble because millennials had more fun in soccer than you? Don't be so quick to judge, you crotchety old fuck. Maybe, just maybe, these millennials, unburdened by the hardships you had to face and the messed-up coping mechanisms you're still carrying around, will accomplish shit you hadn't even dreamt of. I can just about guarantee that one of these lazy entitled children will cure the disease you're gonna die of.

And I can't believe you're missing the irony that millennials invented the fucking website you're using to scream at them.

Look, are they all great human beings? No. Some of them, I'm sure, are exactly what you say they are. Some of them will whine and complain their way through young adulthood and become horrible people spending their parents' money at Whole Foods. Some of them will confuse drug use with self-discovery. Some will cut you off in traffic and not do the "sorry" wave. And approximately 320,000 of them will end up writing memoirs about everything they did wrong and why they'd do it all again. Are you telling me you've got none of those awful characters in your stupid generation? Boomers? Xers? You guys invented that shit.

Zoom forward a thousand years and no one, save for the most boring pedantic historian, will be interested in splitting the hair of difference between someone born in 1960 and someone born in 1990. Try it yourself. Tell me why the people born in 1860 were better quality human beings than the people born 30 years later. Ha! Nailed you, oldie.

My point is roll with it. The kids are all right. I, for one, welcome our new millennial overlords. You may have had a bad experience with a young person, but what you have not had is an epiphany about how today's young people represent the decline of humanity. That's just your age talking.