WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - As the health care reform bill makes its way through the U.S. Senate, Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.) said today that he was "actively exploring" new ways to be as big a dick as humanly possible.

For Sen. Lieberman, whose reputation for assholic behavior is legendary,...

NEW WORD: Republizombie (re-PUB-li-zom-bee) (n) 1. Former GOP office-holder, now undead, unkillable; see Palin, S.; Cheney, D; Delay, T.; Armey, D.; Gingrich, N. A flesh-eater, the Republizombie counter-intuitively eats the flesh of other GOP; see 23rd Congressional District, NY. 2. Former relative of a former GOP office-holder, such as the...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a plan that would solve the thorny problem of where to transfer the detainees currently held at Guantanamo, Attorney General Eric Holder said today that the enemy combatants would be transferred immediately to a Department of Motor Vehicles office in Manhattan.

While Mr. Holder...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Amid the publicity blitz for her new book, Going Rogue, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said today that "she was looking forward to reading it, big time."

Gov. Palin said that the book caught her interest as she was promoting it on Oprah last...

BEIJING (The Borowitz Report) - Hours after scientists confirmed finding evidence of water on the moon, the United States and China each announced ambitious plans to become the first nation to pollute the moon's water.

Both space programs argued that there were more than bragging rights at stake, with China...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - One day after clashing with CNN host Larry King, former Miss California Carrie Prejean showed another flash of anger today, storming off the set of her own sex tape.

While it is unclear what precisely set Ms. Prejean off, she seems to have been...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Controversial CNN host Lou Dobbs bade the people of Earth farewell today as he embarked on a long voyage back to his planet of origin.

Standing on a launching pad with his rocket ship at the ready, Mr. Dobbs addressed a crowd of dozens...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In a move that took many in the publishing industry by surprise, the vibrator of former Miss California Carrie Prejean signed a deal today to write a tell-all memoir.

The book, tentatively titled "Still Buzzing," will offer what the publisher called a "vibrator's eye...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - A scathing new memo on Afghanistan written by one of President Obama's top security advisors emphasizes the futility of a continued U.S. military presence there, at one point going so far as to compare the war to NBC's "Jay Leno Show."

"When you go at...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Goldman Sachs' Chief Executive Lloyd Blankfein's comment that bankers are doing "God's work" came under fire today from one of the longest-standing allies of the firm, Satan, the Prince of Darkness.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Beelzebub blasted Mr. Blankfein for...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - With the establishment of government-mandated death panels just days away, grandmothers began fleeing the United States in record numbers today, reports Fox News.

"I am never one to yell "Fire" in a crowded theater, said Fox News host Glenn Beck. "But run for your lives!"

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - A new wrinkle has complicated the eleventh-hour attempt to pass a health care reform bill in Congress as a growing number of congressmen came forward today to admit that they no longer remember which bill they are voting on.

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Wall Street celebrated the latest employment figures today, rallying on the news that employment had hit an eye-popping 90%.

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne and...

SACRAMENTO (The Borowitz Report) - Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said today that she would drop her lawsuit against the pageant, but her breasts announced that they would "continue to fight."

Ms. Prejean's defiant hooters held a press conference in Sacramento this morning to lay out their legal strategy and...

AUGUSTA (The Borowitz Report) - Voters in Maine turned out in record numbers yesterday to repeal a law legalizing same-sex Oscar hosts, throwing the plans for this year's Academy Awards into turmoil.

By banning the hosting of Hollywood's biggest night by same-sex couples, Maine made it illegal for this year's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Marking the one-year anniversary of his historic election to the presidency, Barack Obama delivered a major speech today in which he said he had "fulfilled the vague and diffuse catchphrases laid out in my campaign."

Underscoring his point, Mr. Obama said, "When I was running...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a bold new strategy designed to locate the world's most wanted man, the United States today dispatched a team of paparazzi to find Osama bin Laden.

"If these people can find George Clooney when he's vacationing on Lake Como, they can find Osama," one...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The Fox News Channel reported today that an American won the New York marathon and a Kenyan won the U.S. presidency.

But moments after Fox reported that Meb Keflezighi, an American runner, had placed first in the marathon, several conservative activists came forward to...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Controversial TV host Lou Dobbs announced today that he was leaving CNN and would soon be joining the primetime lineup of The Cartoon Network.

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

While...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Using his strongest rhetoric to date, President Barack Obama warned Iran today that if it did not abandon its nuclear program the United States would join with other Western nations to defriend Iran on Facebook.

As strongly worded as it was, the defriending threat, delivered...