In a frontal assault on America's computers, North Korea revealed today that it successfully infiltrated Microsoft customer service and has been running the company's calling centers for years.

Pyongyang said that it had "absolute control" over Microsoft's customer help lines and that it had been dispensing erroneous advice to Windows...

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) - In what it hopes will be a blockbuster addition to its trove of popular iPhone applications, Apple announced today that it was introducing a new app that can translate the utterances of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin into English.

The application, called the iPal, is...

With the clock ticking down to the conclusion of the Michael Jackson memorial today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

That's the word from the University of Minnesota, whose Opinion Research Institute has been tracking the attitudes...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - With only one day to go before Michael Jackson's memorial ceremony in Los Angeles, people around the world are eagerly awaiting the return of news coverage of anything else.

From London to New York to Tokyo, viewers who have been mourning the death of...

A new study published today in the New England Journal of Medicine warns of a "mental health epidemic" afflicting the nation's Republican governors.

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

The study...

In an Independence Day speech to the nation, President Barack Obama acknowledged that the White House's prescription drug plan would be costly but added, "It still won't be as expensive as Michael Jackson's."

The President added that the government might achieve additional savings by acquiring drugs in bulk from the...

ANCHORAGE (The Borowitz Report) -- Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

"To say that we are heartbroken is a massive understatement," said Shecky Sheinbaum, a regular headliner at...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) The soul of convicted fraudster Bernard Madoff briefly appeared for sale on the popular Internet classifieds site Craigslist today, but was taken down after it became clear that there were no takers.

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years...

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

"I'm too sexy for my state, too sexy for my state, so sexy I can't wait," the statement read...

As newly anointed Minnesota Senator Al Franken prepares to take his seat in Washington, a new survey published today indicates that a majority of Minnesota voters can no longer remember whether or not they voted for him.

"This is clearly a casualty of the long legal aftermath of the Senate...

In his most candid interview to date, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted more indiscretions with women today, telling the Associated Press, "I was a nonstop fucking machine."

How Gov. Sanford's latest admission will play with his constituents remains to be seen, but many of the comments he made during...

In what some are calling a match made in TMZ heaven, convicted fraudster Bernard Madoff has been transferred to the federal correctional facility in Lovelock, Nevada where he will share a prison cell with former football great O.J. Simpson.

According to Mr. Simpson, the pairing of the two men made...

Just hours after her husband Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for masterminding a $50 billion Ponzi scheme, Ruth Madoff expressed shock and dismay at her husband's behavior, telling reporters, "This is not the man I owned nine homes with."

"When you spend hundreds of millions of...

On April 13, in a story called "Jail for Dummies," The New York Post reported that relatives of Bernie Madoff were looking for a guide to prison life to prepare the Ponzi schemer for his new life behind bars.

Being a service journalist, I immediately sprang into action, and the...

Furious at Jon Bon Jovi for making a new recording of "Stand By Me" in solidarity with the Iranian people, Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei today announced that he was deleting Mr. Bon Jovi's songs from his iPod library "forever."

"This is an irrevocable decision," the Ayatollah said. "I did...

The Weather Channel jumped into the Michael Jackson coverage business today, announcing plans to air a three-week retrospective of the weather that transpired during the singer's lifetime.

The retrospective, titled "Bad and Dangerous: Fifty Years of Weather During the Michael Jackson Era," will begin airing this Monday.

The announcement drew...

On April 13, in a story called JAIL FOR DUMMIES, The New York Post reported that relatives of Bernie Madoff were looking for a guide to prison life to prepare the Ponzi schemer for his new life behind bars.

Being a service journalist, I immediately sprang into action, and the...

The death of singing icon Michael Jackson has inspired thousands of people who never met him to try to get on television to share their impressions of the singer's legacy.

Tracy Klujian, who briefly served as a personal trainer to Mr. Jackson's former accountant, said that Michael Jackson's death had...

Embattled South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford resigned effective immediately today, but announced plans to star in a steamy telenovela for a Spanish-language TV network.

The telenovela, tentatively titled El Gobernador Caliente, follows "the hot sexcapades of a globe-trotting governor who doesn't let state business interfere with his relentless pursuit of...

In the interest of creating what he called "an orderly transition," South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford today transferred his extramarital affair with a woman in Argentina to South Carolina's Lieutenant Governor, André Bauer.

Acknowledging "this isn't what I signed up for," Mr. Bauer said he would accept his expanded responsibilities...