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Andy Borowitz

Entries by Andy Borowitz

15 Most Hilarious Author Quotes

(16) Comments | Posted October 25, 2011 | 2:20 PM

While editing my new book, The 50 Funniest American Writers: An Anthology of Humor from Mark Twain to The Onion, I made a discovery: "If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn." The...

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WikiLeaks Reveals Details of Mubarak's Severance Package

(0) Comments | Posted February 5, 2011 | 1:47 PM

CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) - In what may prove to be the journalistic coup of the year, WikiLeaks today revealed details of the severance package of soon-to-be-deposed Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.

According to the documents made available by WikiLeaks, upon leaving office Mr. Mubarak will receive $40 billion...

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Obama Says He Will Resend Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps

(0) Comments | Posted February 3, 2011 | 11:47 AM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today that he would resend the message, "but this time in all caps."

Mr. Obama said that while he hoped...

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World Cannot Believe Mubarak Hasn't Fucking Left Yet

(0) Comments | Posted February 1, 2011 | 8:15 AM

CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) -- As protests in Egypt enter their second week, the consensus in diplomatic circles is a sense of disbelief that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has not fucking left yet.

Around the world, diplomats spoke openly about Mr. Mubarak, often in language reserved for WikiLeaks...

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Michele Bachmann Proposes "Don't Add, Don't Spell"

(0) Comments | Posted January 26, 2011 | 1:40 PM

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - In her official Tea Party response to President Obama's State of the Union Address, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) offered a bold new policy initiative she called "Don't Add, Don't Spell."

Rep. Bachmann called the proposal "a reflection of core Tea Party values" and...

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Without Oprah and Facebook, USA Worth 40 Dollars

(0) Comments | Posted January 25, 2011 | 8:14 AM

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - A new economic study reveals that once Oprah and Facebook are subtracted, the United States of America is worth 40 dollars.

Professor Davis Logsdon, who conducted the study for the University of Minnesota Economics Institute, called the findings surprising: "Quite frankly, the number...

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Republicans Rehearsing Grouchy Facial Expressions for State of the Union

(0) Comments | Posted January 24, 2011 | 7:51 AM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Preparing for what most political insiders agree is their most important performance of the year, congressional Republicans have spent the past week rehearsing their grouchiest facial expressions for Tuesday's State of the Union Address.

For seven grueling days, GOP congressmen have been behind...

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Hu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of Toy Story 3

(0) Comments | Posted January 19, 2011 | 8:58 AM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented US President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywod blockbuster Toy Story 3.

Mr. Hu raised eyebrows at several points of his official speech, especially when he repeatedly...

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In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born 'Near America'

(0) Comments | Posted January 18, 2011 | 9:12 AM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) -- Ushering in what it is calling "a new era of civility in American political discourse," the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born "near America."

"It is no longer acceptable for...

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To Mark 'I Have a Dream' Speech, Fox Will Air Opposing View

(0) Comments | Posted January 16, 2011 | 1:04 PM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The Fox News Channel announced today that it would mark Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech by airing an opposing view.

"For years, 'I Have a Dream' has been synonymous with the legacy of Martin Luther King," said the official...

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Impressed With Speech, Fox Names Obama an Honorary American

(0) Comments | Posted January 13, 2011 | 4:32 PM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Impressed by his speech at the University of Arizona last night, the Fox News Channel today took the extraordinary step of naming President Barack Obama an honorary American.

"Let's face it, he's earned it," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "I don't care...

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Palin Attempts to Prove She Can Use 'Blood Libel' in a Sentence

(0) Comments | Posted January 12, 2011 | 5:24 PM

WASILLA (The Borowitz Report) -- Criticized for using the phrase "blood libel" in an official statement today, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin held a press conference in her hometown to prove that she knew how to use the controversial term in a sentence.

"When you hunt a moose,...

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Fox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire

(0) Comments | Posted January 11, 2011 | 5:53 PM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The Fox News Channel today attempted to bust what it called a "mainstream media myth" by reporting that there was no link between matches, gasoline and fire.

"Gasoline and matches don't start fires," said Fox host Glenn Beck. "People start fires."


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Fox News Warns That Without Angry Rhetoric It Will Have 24 Hours to Fill

(0) Comments | Posted January 10, 2011 | 9:44 AM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Calls for a reduction in violent political rhetoric have plunged the Fox News Channel into chaos, with a Fox spokesperson warning today that such a move "would leave us with 24 hours to fill."

"Let's not underestimate the giant hole this would...

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My Idea of a Heartwarming Story

(106) Comments | Posted January 7, 2011 | 8:41 AM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- If you'll pardon me for being serious for a moment, here's my idea of a heartwarming story:

A homeless man with no special talent gets our compassion anyway.

The Ted Williams story is, of course, riveting and hopeful. But the nation's fascination...

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Boehner: Heartwarming Story of Radio Guy Shows Why More Americans Should Be Homeless

(0) Comments | Posted January 6, 2011 | 8:22 PM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The heartwarming story of Ted Williams, the homeless man whose golden voice has earned him multiple job offers, has inspired many American, including Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH).

"What Ted Williams proves, once and for all," said Rep. Boehner, choking back...

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iPhone Alarm Fix!

(0) Comments | Posted January 4, 2011 | 6:06 PM

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) - After days of mounting frustration from iPhone owners, Apple chief Steve Jobs today finally announced a fix for the phone's annoying alarm glitch.

"Until further notice," Mr. Jobs said, "all iPhone users should go to sleep with someone who owns a Droid." More...

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Apple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch After Steve Jobs Oversleeps

(0) Comments | Posted January 3, 2011 | 5:14 PM

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) - Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show.

"I totally overslept," Mr. Jobs later told reporters. "I've got to say this is really embarrassing."

Apple's engineers have...

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My New Year's Thoughts

(0) Comments | Posted December 31, 2010 | 12:55 PM

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) -- Some New Year's thoughts from Andy Borowitz:

1. MMXI is also how Sarah Palin spells "America."

2. In a compromise worked out with Republicans, tomorrow will be January 1, 1811.

3. TMZ reports that at midnight Justin Bieber's balls will drop. More...

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Birthers Challenge Hawaii to Produce Statehood Certificate

(0) Comments | Posted December 28, 2010 | 8:39 PM

KAILUA, HAWAII (The Borowitz Report) - Leaders of the so-called Birther movement followed President Obama on his Hawaiian vacation today to demand that Hawaii prove it is actually a U.S. state.

Mr. Obama's claim to American citizenship has rested on his birthplace being Hawaii, but the Birthers argued...

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