WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - With the establishment of government-mandated death panels just days away, grandmothers began fleeing the United States in record numbers today, reports Fox News.

"I am never one to yell "Fire" in a crowded theater, said Fox News host Glenn Beck. "But run for your lives!"

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - A new wrinkle has complicated the eleventh-hour attempt to pass a health care reform bill in Congress as a growing number of congressmen came forward today to admit that they no longer remember which bill they are voting on.

"Maybe I'm not the sharpest tool...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Wall Street celebrated the latest employment figures today, rallying on the news that employment had hit an eye-popping 90%.

While some on Main Street grumbled that the country was struggling through a so-called "jobless recovery," Wall Street professionals were cracking open the champagne and...

SACRAMENTO (The Borowitz Report) - Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said today that she would drop her lawsuit against the pageant, but her breasts announced that they would "continue to fight."

Ms. Prejean's defiant hooters held a press conference in Sacramento this morning to lay out their legal strategy and...

AUGUSTA (The Borowitz Report) - Voters in Maine turned out in record numbers yesterday to repeal a law legalizing same-sex Oscar hosts, throwing the plans for this year's Academy Awards into turmoil.

By banning the hosting of Hollywood's biggest night by same-sex couples, Maine made it illegal for this year's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Marking the one-year anniversary of his historic election to the presidency, Barack Obama delivered a major speech today in which he said he had "fulfilled the vague and diffuse catchphrases laid out in my campaign."

Underscoring his point, Mr. Obama said, "When I was running...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a bold new strategy designed to locate the world's most wanted man, the United States today dispatched a team of paparazzi to find Osama bin Laden.

"If these people can find George Clooney when he's vacationing on Lake Como, they can find Osama," one...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - The Fox News Channel reported today that an American won the New York marathon and a Kenyan won the U.S. presidency.

But moments after Fox reported that Meb Keflezighi, an American runner, had placed first in the marathon, several conservative activists came forward to...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Controversial TV host Lou Dobbs announced today that he was leaving CNN and would soon be joining the primetime lineup of The Cartoon Network.

Mr. Dobbs will be joining a schedule that includes such programs as Tom and Jerry and What's New, Scooby-Doo?

While...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Using his strongest rhetoric to date, President Barack Obama warned Iran today that if it did not abandon its nuclear program the United States would join with other Western nations to defriend Iran on Facebook.

As strongly worded as it was, the defriending threat, delivered...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman has switched parties again, announcing today that he is forming a new political party called the Asshole Party.

"Across this great land of hours, there are many, many assholes who have been ignored by the two major parties," Sen. Lieberman told...

Celebrating the box office returns of its posthumous Michael Jackson film This Is It, Sony Pictures announced today that it would release a sequel titled This Is Also It.

"When we put together This Is It, we thought it was it, but it turns out it wasn't it," said Sony...

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - The mystery surrounding the Northwest Airlines flight that strayed 150 miles from its intended destination was resolved today as Northwest reported that the two pilots for the flight were never in the cockpit to begin with.

"We found them safe at home, hiding in a...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama told reporters today that when it comes to supporting the so-called "public option," he is in favor of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

"Don't ask me if I support it, because I won't tell you," the president said.

As the negotiations...

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) - Tensions between the United States and the Iranian government have risen over the weekend amid intelligence reports that Iran is trying to install Microsoft Windows 7.

Spy-satellite photos reveal a shipment of Windows 7 software, as well as a dozen IT professionals from Redmond, Washington,...

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - Trying to make the best of what could be a public relations disaster, Northwest Airlines today unveiled a new corporate slogan, "We'll Get You Within 150 Miles of There."

According to Carol Foyler, a Northwest spokesperson, the new slogan "reflects our dedication to getting our...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - "It's good to be the virus."

That's the upbeat message the Swine Flu Virus hoped would be the takeaway from his first major media interview since the start of flu season.

Sitting with reporters in one of his favorite stomping grounds, the DMV office...

KABUL (The Borowitz Report) - In a stunning victory, Afghan president Hamid Karzai today was declared the winner of the runoff election scheduled to take place November 7.

Mr. Karzai's victory was particularly impressive since the runoff election is still three weeks away, aides to Mr. Karzai observed.

A jubilant...

CUPERTINO, CA (The Borowitz Report) - Amid fears that publicity-starved parents may try to convince unwitting viewers that they have launched giant balloons with their children inside, Apple today introduced a new iPhone app that detects balloon hoaxes.

The app, called iBalloon, enables the user to point the iPhone at...

COLORADO (The Borowitz Report) - Moments after a little boy who was believed to be in his parents' homemade helium balloon was found safe and sound, millions of Americans came to the realization that they had flushed the entire fucking afternoon down the fucking toilet.

"I watched the entire drama...