WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sounding a sour note in the aftermath of the Senate's passage of the health care reform bill, Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman said today that the prescription plan in the bill was unnecessary, noting, "I've been off my meds for years."

Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev)...

FORT COLLINS (The Borowitz Report) - A Colorado judge today sentenced Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of the so-called "Balloon Boy," to jail, calling the couple a flight risk.

The Heenes' lawyers had hoped for leniency by entering a new version of the insanity plea, "guilty by reason of reality...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The Senate's efforts to introduce a tax on tanning beds hit a roadblock today as Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the idea, calling it "a blatant attack on Orange Americans."

Rep. Boehner said that the anti-tanning provision would likely create opposition from the so-called "Orange...

HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) - Building on the momentum of his latest blockbuster, Avatar, director James Cameron announced his next project, a special-effects-laden extravaganza called Emoticon.

While details of the film's storyline remain sketchy, Mr. Cameron said that the film will take place "in a magical fantasy world populated by...

Between now and New Year's, gas-bags of every stripe will be offering their bloated reviews of the decade about to end. Since I believe that all human thought can be compressed into 140 characters or less, I offer instead this tweet:

The decade began with Bush fucking the voters and...

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) - A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army briefly hacked the social messaging service Twitter last night, frustrating the efforts of narcissists to share their most mundane and banal thoughts.

Around the world, the Iranian hack attack made it impossible for Twitter users to post...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:

• Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
• Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
• You will have...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a White House ceremony that many historians are calling unprecedented, President Barack Obama today transferred his balls to the custody of Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Called the "Balls Summit" by White House aides, the ceremony was intended as an official acknowledgment of Mr. Lieberman's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut today shrugged off suggestions that he is becoming one of the most despised men in the U.S. Senate, telling reporters, "I will continue to fight for the people I represent: America's assholes."

While Sen. Lieberman's decision to align himself with...

Back in the day, giving a holiday gift to your boss would have branded you forever as a heinous butt-suck. But those were gentler times, before the cost-cutters from McKinsey moved in and started decking your company's halls with festive pink slips.

Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama said today that in an effort to clinch a second Nobel Peace Prize he was ordering an invasion of Iran.

Announcing the invasion in a televised address, the president told the nation, "Now comes the hard part: writing my acceptance speech."

Mr....

In a new videotape broadcast today on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden named fallen terrorist Abu Yahya al-Libi Al-Qaeda's "Employee of the Month" for December. 



In the tape, in which Mr. bin Laden is shown holding the terror network's "Employee of the Month" plaque and...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama's decision to wish Jews around the world a happy Hanukkah in Hebrew has added more fuel to the movement of the so-called Birthers, who now claim that Mr. Obama was born in Israel.

Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, told CNN today...

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to criticism about his receiving this year's Nobel Peace Prize, President Barack Obama today sent an unmanned predator drone to Norway to pick up the prize for him.

Mr. Obama's decision to have an unmanned bomber plane accept the Peace Prize raised eyebrows...

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - As the decade draws to a close, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans are holding out hope that the ten years just past turn out to be a dream sequence from which they will soon awake.

The poll, conducted by the University...

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) - In what is widely expected to be a game-changer in the mobile phone industry, Apple Inc. today unveiled a new "killer app" that will enable users to call people on their iPhones and talk to them.

The new app, called the iCall, will "expand the...

BLOOMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sarah Palin's book tour hit a snag today at the Mall of America as hundreds of autograph seekers waited in line as the former Alaska governor tried in vain to spell her name.

"Sound it out," whispered Ms. Palin's book publicist as the line of...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses,...

ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) - In an indication that his troubles are mounting since the revelations about his alleged sexual romps, golfer Tiger Woods today updated his relationship status on Facebook to read "It's Incredibly Fucking Complicated."

While there have been different reports about the number of women with whom...