WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:

• Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
• Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
• You will have...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a White House ceremony that many historians are calling unprecedented, President Barack Obama today transferred his balls to the custody of Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Called the "Balls Summit" by White House aides, the ceremony was intended as an official acknowledgment of Mr. Lieberman's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut today shrugged off suggestions that he is becoming one of the most despised men in the U.S. Senate, telling reporters, "I will continue to fight for the people I represent: America's assholes."

While Sen. Lieberman's decision to align himself with...

Back in the day, giving a holiday gift to your boss would have branded you forever as a heinous butt-suck. But those were gentler times, before the cost-cutters from McKinsey moved in and started decking your company's halls with festive pink slips.

Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama said today that in an effort to clinch a second Nobel Peace Prize he was ordering an invasion of Iran.

Announcing the invasion in a televised address, the president told the nation, "Now comes the hard part: writing my acceptance speech."

Mr....

In a new videotape broadcast today on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden named fallen terrorist Abu Yahya al-Libi Al-Qaeda's "Employee of the Month" for December. 



In the tape, in which Mr. bin Laden is shown holding the terror network's "Employee of the Month" plaque and...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama's decision to wish Jews around the world a happy Hanukkah in Hebrew has added more fuel to the movement of the so-called Birthers, who now claim that Mr. Obama was born in Israel.

Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, told CNN today...

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to criticism about his receiving this year's Nobel Peace Prize, President Barack Obama today sent an unmanned predator drone to Norway to pick up the prize for him.

Mr. Obama's decision to have an unmanned bomber plane accept the Peace Prize raised eyebrows...

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) - As the decade draws to a close, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans are holding out hope that the ten years just past turn out to be a dream sequence from which they will soon awake.

The poll, conducted by the University...

CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) - In what is widely expected to be a game-changer in the mobile phone industry, Apple Inc. today unveiled a new "killer app" that will enable users to call people on their iPhones and talk to them.

The new app, called the iCall, will "expand the...

BLOOMINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sarah Palin's book tour hit a snag today at the Mall of America as hundreds of autograph seekers waited in line as the former Alaska governor tried in vain to spell her name.

"Sound it out," whispered Ms. Palin's book publicist as the line of...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses,...

ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) - In an indication that his troubles are mounting since the revelations about his alleged sexual romps, golfer Tiger Woods today updated his relationship status on Facebook to read "It's Incredibly Fucking Complicated."

While there have been different reports about the number of women with whom...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In the first example of the kind of synergy viewers can come to expect in the wake of Comcast's acquisition of NBC, the cable giant warned viewers today that if they do not start watching The Jay Leno Show immediately they can expect their...

ORLANDO (BorowitzReport.com): The Borowitz Report has obtained the first draft of Tiger Woods' official statement regarding his recent woes:

To my fans:

I am writing to set the record straight about a number of rumors that have been spread about me, my actions, and my character.

Prior to last weekend,...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The morning after President Obama laid out his new strategy for the war in Afghanistan, media critics are expressing concern that the focus on Afghanistan could distract the media from getting to the bottom of the Tiger Woods story.

With the budgets of media companies...

ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report) - In a development that rocked the worlds of sports and politics, golf superstar Tiger Woods announced today that he was hanging up his clubs to become a politician.

"After two days of refusing to speak to the media about suspicious aspects of my personal life,...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The couple who crashed the state dinner at the White House earlier this week made their way to the Oval Office and came within seconds of triggering a nuclear war, Secret Service officials admitted today.

According to a Secret Service spokesperson, the uninvited couple managed...

GENEVA (The Borowitz Report) - In what is being seen as a setback for Roman Polanski, the Swiss court that ordered the famed director free on bail today prohibited him from poking people on the popular social networking site Facebook.

The court order also bans Mr. Polanski from using a...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a potentially embarrassing situation for the Obama White House, a turkey pardoned by President Obama earlier this week went on a three-state killing spree on Thanksgiving Day, killing nine.

While authorities were still piecing together the motivation behind the recidivist fowl's homicidal rampage, a...