WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of the Christmas Day airline terror attempt, the Department of Homeland Security today said it was instituting a bold new series of security measures, including issuing an official "proof of terrorism" I.D. card.

"All potential terrorists must have the terrorist I.D. card...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a stunning admission on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano compared the nation's terrorist watch list to the once-popular social networking site, MySpace.

"The terrorist watch list is, quite frankly, a bit like MySpace," she said. "It's there, but...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to the botched terrorism attempt on board Delta flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, the Department of Homeland Security announced today that it was considering a new rule that would force passengers to fly naked.

"They won't be able to hide any powders or...

DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) - A would-be terrorist who is accused of attempting to ignite an explosive onboard a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on Christmas has confessed to authorities that he is a follower of Osama bin Laden, but only on Twitter.

According to interrogators, the Twitter link between...

NORTH POLE (The Borowitz Report) - The Central Intelligence Agency confirmed reports today that an unmanned predator drone accidentally hit Santa Claus' sleigh on Christmas Eve, killing Santa Claus and injuring an undetermined number of reindeer.

The CIA drone, which was intended to kill an al-Qaeda operative located in the...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sounding a sour note in the aftermath of the Senate's passage of the health care reform bill, Connecticut Sen. Joseph Lieberman said today that the prescription plan in the bill was unnecessary, noting, "I've been off my meds for years."

Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev)...

FORT COLLINS (The Borowitz Report) - A Colorado judge today sentenced Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of the so-called "Balloon Boy," to jail, calling the couple a flight risk.

The Heenes' lawyers had hoped for leniency by entering a new version of the insanity plea, "guilty by reason of reality...

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - Just days after tying the knot after years of abstinence, Kevin Jonas of the pop sensation the Jonas Brothers stunned his teenaged fans by announcing that "to be honest about it, sex was not worth the wait."

"After we did it, I was kind...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The Senate's efforts to introduce a tax on tanning beds hit a roadblock today as Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) blasted the idea, calling it "a blatant attack on Orange Americans."

Rep. Boehner said that the anti-tanning provision would likely create opposition from the so-called "Orange...

HOLLYWOOD (The Borowitz Report) - Building on the momentum of his latest blockbuster, Avatar, director James Cameron announced his next project, a special-effects-laden extravaganza called Emoticon.

While details of the film's storyline remain sketchy, Mr. Cameron said that the film will take place "in a magical fantasy world populated by...

Between now and New Year's, gas-bags of every stripe will be offering their bloated reviews of the decade about to end. Since I believe that all human thought can be compressed into 140 characters or less, I offer instead this tweet:

The decade began with Bush fucking the voters and...

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) - A group calling itself the Iranian Cyber Army briefly hacked the social messaging service Twitter last night, frustrating the efforts of narcissists to share their most mundane and banal thoughts.

Around the world, the Iranian hack attack made it impossible for Twitter users to post...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - The United States Senate today unveiled details of its health care plan, tentatively called CompromiseCare™:

• Under CompromiseCare™, people with no coverage will be allowed to keep their current plan.
• Medicare will be extended to 55-year-olds as soon as they turn 65.
• You will have...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a White House ceremony that many historians are calling unprecedented, President Barack Obama today transferred his balls to the custody of Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman.

Called the "Balls Summit" by White House aides, the ceremony was intended as an official acknowledgment of Mr. Lieberman's...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut today shrugged off suggestions that he is becoming one of the most despised men in the U.S. Senate, telling reporters, "I will continue to fight for the people I represent: America's assholes."

While Sen. Lieberman's decision to align himself with...

Back in the day, giving a holiday gift to your boss would have branded you forever as a heinous butt-suck. But those were gentler times, before the cost-cutters from McKinsey moved in and started decking your company's halls with festive pink slips.

Nowadays, Santa's favorite reindeer game is sacking Blitzen...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama said today that in an effort to clinch a second Nobel Peace Prize he was ordering an invasion of Iran.

Announcing the invasion in a televised address, the president told the nation, "Now comes the hard part: writing my acceptance speech."

Mr....

In a new videotape broadcast today on the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera network, terror mastermind Osama bin Laden named fallen terrorist Abu Yahya al-Libi Al-Qaeda's "Employee of the Month" for December. 



In the tape, in which Mr. bin Laden is shown holding the terror network's "Employee of the Month" plaque and...

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - President Barack Obama's decision to wish Jews around the world a happy Hanukkah in Hebrew has added more fuel to the movement of the so-called Birthers, who now claim that Mr. Obama was born in Israel.

Orly Taitz, a leading Birther spokesperson, told CNN today...

OSLO, NORWAY (The Borowitz Report) - Responding to criticism about his receiving this year's Nobel Peace Prize, President Barack Obama today sent an unmanned predator drone to Norway to pick up the prize for him.

Mr. Obama's decision to have an unmanned bomber plane accept the Peace Prize raised eyebrows...