Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House
The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation's capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office.
According to White House aides, the blaze started shortly after twelve noon, minutes after Mr. Cheney slipped out of a cabinet meeting, saying that he had to "hit the head."
But rather than using the bathroom as he had stated, the vice president instead went to his office and put a blowtorch to a pile of CIA interrogation tapes which the White House had feared might be subpoenaed in the near future.
"I started burning those things and boom, they went up like a rocket," an apologetic Mr. Cheney later told reporters.
The accidental blaze quickly spread from the videotapes to a nearby stack of transcripts of phone conversations involving Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and singer Barbra Streisand that Mr. Cheney had obtained via a warrantless wiretap.
"Once those transcripts caught on fire, I knew the building was a goner," Mr. Cheney said. "There were literally thousands and thousands of pages of that stuff."
Speaking in front of the charred remains of the historic building, administration spokesperson Dana Perino said that the White House might have been saved had it not been for an unfortunate bureaucratic mix-up: "Instead of calling the fire department, President Bush called FEMA."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.
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Looks like the shredders were not working fast enough.
A happier ending would have been Cheney attempting to escape the flames by hiding in his man-sized safe and suffocating.
On Air America Radio I heard that it was the visitors' logs that burned.
It will be interesting to see how the fire got around an interior sprinkler system--or was one not installed when the building was renovated in the 1980s?
If it did not have a sprinkler system (because of the value/history of the interior furnishings) it would be interesting to know when this building last had a fire.
Any firefighters out there like to make a guess whther adequate fire suppression was available in the building?
Wow, and here I thought it was the old, "Liar, liar, pants on fire" thing. Huh, go figyuh.
Where was that Blackwater Fire Service when they needed them most?
Thankfully we'll be able to rule out arson because the surveillance video of one of the most heavily watched places in the world would be made immediately available to independent investigators and objective media outlets who will in turn-quell any 'conspiracy theories' regarding the fire.
NOT!
Nothings these cretins do would surprised me, including this.
Actually, my first thought was that this might be a latter-day Reichstag fire.
Maybe it was all a meth lab accident.
Well, the fire was close to the White House [in the Eisenhower Building] & in a suite said to be Elmer Fudd's ceremonial office according to CNN & MSNBC. Word is that Andy is being water boarded by the Secret Service to find out who leaked the story to Andy.
Cheney's Cheney, Mr. Addington, could not be reached for comment as he was so very busy shredding a firetruck.
J. Coffer Black, formerly of the Cheney Pleasant Rendition Holidays Tour, was similarly occupied drawing up a new contract for Black Water USA, The EOB Tour. Meals not included.
Isn't it sad when the first thing that pops into our minds is that the fire was arson -- set to destroy evidence.
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100684 signed up and counting...
actually, GWB was playing w/ matches, saying, 'hey dick, watch my fart flame'.
it did and the next thing you know, the stack of signing statements were blazing...
we all know those 'torture' tapes are really just cheney porn
The real truth: that's what ya get when you let Satan into the White House! No blowtorch necessary - one good dirty look from Cheney could incinerate Kevlar.
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