Attempting to Destroy CIA Tapes, Cheney Burns Down White House

The White House, one of the most historic structures in the nation's capital, burnt to the ground today after Vice President Dick Cheney attempted to incinerate a cache of CIA interrogation tapes in his office.

According to White House aides, the blaze started shortly after twelve noon, minutes after Mr. Cheney slipped out of a cabinet meeting, saying that he had to "hit the head."

But rather than using the bathroom as he had stated, the vice president instead went to his office and put a blowtorch to a pile of CIA interrogation tapes which the White House had feared might be subpoenaed in the near future.

"I started burning those things and boom, they went up like a rocket," an apologetic Mr. Cheney later told reporters.

The accidental blaze quickly spread from the videotapes to a nearby stack of transcripts of phone conversations involving Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and singer Barbra Streisand that Mr. Cheney had obtained via a warrantless wiretap.

"Once those transcripts caught on fire, I knew the building was a goner," Mr. Cheney said. "There were literally thousands and thousands of pages of that stuff."

Speaking in front of the charred remains of the historic building, administration spokesperson Dana Perino said that the White House might have been saved had it not been for an unfortunate bureaucratic mix-up: "Instead of calling the fire department, President Bush called FEMA."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

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Comments

[Oregonian37]

As soon as I saw the alert this morning, and then that it was in Cheney's wing, the very first thought I had was "Hmmm...wo­nder what he is getting rid of?"

[ORSunshine]

This caught my eye because as I was listening to the reporting on the fire I thought pretty much the same thing: This fire was intentionally set by someone (ordered by Cheney) to destroy some documents.­.. like the ones that would prove that the administration went to Iraq solely to get oil, and that they are hell-bent on turning the US into a fascist dictatorsh­ip...

[cynara]

I hate to say it, but my first reaction to Cheney's office catching fire, was "wonder how those documents faired in the man size safe?" It would, surely, be remarkably convenient for him if certain documents were burned beyond recovery..­.

[faith]

Wow, talk about scary....s­urely, everyone has seen the latest - that, in fact - Cheney's offices were filled with smoke...cl­airvoyancy­, ya think??

[darcy]

Love that punchline!

[cognate]

The CIA still uses tapes?

With a $50 billion budget you'd think they had installed spy cameras in every bathroom and beamed the video straight to Cheney's bedroom.

[KarlRoves3rdchin]

That is hilarious -thanks for the great laugh Andy!

[Economike]

Time to move a double wide trailer onto the grounds and get back to business.

[BluGrrl]

No, you must have heard wrong, it was the The Eisenhower Executive Office Building that he burnt down....

[wizinit]

You always make me LMAO. Thanks.

[Tellmethetruth]

"I don't have confidence in the president. I don't have confidence in the vice president. And I don't have confidence in the Justice Department. That's as simple as I can put it," said Biden, a 2008 presidential contender.

Biden appeared on CNN's "Late Edition." on Sunday 12/16/07

[illit]

I LOVE hard-hitting reportage.
I really needed a bright and funny bit of news.

[nomobull]

too bad the firemen did their job.