Bush Gives Musharraf Tips on Eliminating Democracy

In what he described as "an emergency mission to help a key ally in the war on terror," President George W. Bush flew to Islamabad today to give General Pervez Musharraf tips on how to eliminate democracy.

Mr. Bush said he scheduled the trip just hours after General Musharraf declared a state of emergency in Pakistan and suspended elections "because when it comes to eliminating democracy, I thought my friend Pervez could benefit from my experience."

Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One, Mr. Bush said that while he commended General Musharraf's impulse to eliminate democratic institutions, he felt that the military strongman was going about it the wrong way: "When you're getting rid of democracy, the last thing you want to do is tell people you're doing it."

Mr. Bush said that eliminating such things as privacy, freedom of speech and the constitution had to be done "very quietly and stealthy-like."

"If I had gone on TV one day and just ended democracy like Pervez did, I would have caught holy hell from Maureen Dowd," Mr. Bush chuckled. "You've got to be crafty about these things."

Mr. Bush chalked up Mr. Musharraf's decision to disclose the elimination of democracy as a "beginner's mistake," adding, "I've had six-plus years of practice at this."

He also criticized the Pakistani dictator's firing of the chief justice of the Supreme Court: "Trust me, if you're going to get rid of elections, a Supreme Court could come in handy."

Elsewhere, astronauts spent Saturday morning repairing a solar panel on the International Space Station, then spent the rest of the day drinking and stalking ex-lovers.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at the 92nd St. Y in NYC on Nov. 7 with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington, and Mo Rocca. For tickets go to 92y.org.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[Hollyse]

Elimination of Democracy is simply taking that "Wizard of Oz" pill and allowing oneself to "Follow the Yellow Brick Road" Disney media entertainm­ent." Anyone think of FOX NEWS as the deliberate test tube baby of denial and entertainment? Israel now is into It Takes A Village philosophy aborting other televised media promoting the ONE agenda for globalization. Fox News has replaced major news source imformation so the public, in Israel, can be manipulated just like FOX overpowers the minds of Americans. It's Entertainment that well-liked cousin that's in every family folks!

Bush's elimination of free speech, privacy and the constitution are vital to the production of any successful script for standing ovation if this were a weird film script or Broadway play. But it isn't. Let's kill this drama at the box office and black ball Director Bush. Anything but lucrative will see this inept director leaving to greener enterprises. Actors know the merits of rehersals and Bush isn't inept in knowing successful HITS depend on great actors and a good script. What better way to explore a lesser play as in Pakistan gearing up for public opinion and approval as martial law plays out! The USA has one sick director along with too many producers. Let's doom the play right now!

[oncethere]

What's implied in your satire is this way too infrequently mentioned point. Bush identifies himself with the State---sees himself as synoymous with the State.

This is a point of view held by all actual and aspiring to be dictators.

[whatsthatsound]

Don't forget the ol' good cop/bad cop routine. Make sure that one party seems like the cast from a horror movie. And that the other party speaks mushy, sympathetic language, feels your pain, blah blah blah, and promises to give you a better deal. Which they never do. Great for distracting your populace and keeping them off balance!

[waynesmyer]

Jeez! Where did the Mushie get the idea to declare martial law? Could this be the prelude
to the Bush plan to do the same? Well, Where is Blackwater when you need them? Get ready America, you are next! Lwayno

[realpolitic]

Bush will recommend that Fox News open an affliate in Pakistan to prop up the regime with good press.

For his help in silencing democracy, Bush will want one of Musharraf's old military uniforms. Bush likes all the shiny medals and would want to wear it when he gives his next State of the Union speech.

[KevinFletcherTweedy]

Musharraf is and has been a THUG of the first order from the moment his military did the overthrow of the Bhutto government. WHY are we surprised that a person of his character should decide to declare a "national emergency" just before his country's Supreme Court is to rule on whether he can be President and head of the army. Huh? How would Eisenhower deposing Truman while keeping his generalship and command have gone down in 1951? And Dubya and his ilk only put up with this tin-horn dictator because they're supposed to find bin Laden for us!? Say what!? (Opps! There go my chances for a pleasant tour of Pakistan!)

[Sidewhispers]

And Bush will probably tell Mushie: "And when you have your 'mission accomplished' speech, you could let the people think it's about defeating the Taliban or something, while it's really about defeating the people."

And on a more personal note Bush said, "Oh, and Mushie, I'll lend you my Mission Accomplished outfit. It'll make your 'stuff' look real heroic."

In another personal aside, Bush is said to have told Mush. that he knew he could trust him, because when he looked into his eyes he saw himself.

[foofighter]

Another satiric but very bitter article which contains a good deal of truth I think.

[aleco]

Andy, it's amazing and to your credit that you make satire seem so plausible.

[Sciguy]

Great column, but you forgot to mention Eliminating Democracy 201: The Care, Feeding, and Immunity Potential of Telecommunications Giants.

[BillZBubb]

There is a nice contrast in that dictator Musharraf had to elimate his Supreme Court to grab power, whereas the decider owes his power grab to our Supreme Court.

Nonetheless, they are birds of a feather.

[calfacon]

Down right scary to look at the Pakistani Emergency declaration, substitute “Legislative” for “Judicial”, and see how closely it mirrors what we have already been hearing from Bush Co. Who wrote the rough draft for whom?
WHEREAS some members of the judiciary/­LEGISLATUR­E are working at cross purposes with the executive and judiciary/ legislature in the fight against terrorism and extremism thereby weakening the Government and the nation's resolve and diluting the efficacy of its actions to control this menace;
WHEREAS there has been increasing interference by some members of the judiciary/­LEGISLATUR­E in government policy, adversely affecting economic growth, in particular;
WHEREAS constant interference in executive functions, including but not limited to the control of terrorist activity, economic policy, price controls, downsizing of corporations and urban planning, has weakened the writ of the government; the police force has been completely demoralized and is fast losing its efficacy to fight terrorism and Intelligence Agencies have been thwarted in their activities and prevented from pursuing terrorists;
WHEREAS some judges/LEGISLATORS by overstepping the limits of judicial Legislative authority have taken over the executive and legislative judicial functions;
WHEREAS the Government is committed to the independence of the judiciary/­LEGISLATUR­E and the rule of law and holds the superior judiciary/­LEGISLATUR­E in high esteem, it is nonetheless of paramount importance that the Honourable Judges/CONGRESSMEN and SENATORs confine the scope of their activity to the judicial/L­EGISLATIVE function and not assume charge of administration;
WHEREAS an important Constitutional institution, the Supreme Judicial Council,/HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES AND SENATE has been made entirely irrelevant and non est by a recent order and judges/LEGISLATORS have, thus, made themselves immune from inquiry into their conduct and put themselves beyond accountability;
WHEREAS the humiliating treatment meted to government officials by some members of the judiciary/­LEGISLATUR­E on a routine basis during court/CONGRESSIONAL proceedings has demoralized the civil bureaucracy and senior government functionaries, to avoid being harassed, prefer inaction;
I hereby order and proclaim that the Constitution of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan/UNITED STATES OF AMERICA shall remain in abeyance.

[jfor]

It will be funny to hear what our commander in chief has to say about this? Actually what can he say?

Reality is a mofo.

Musharef is a dictator, remember? so whats the surprise?