Increasingly frustrated by the Iraqi government's failure to meet a series of defined benchmarks, President George W. Bush today proposed sending a group of giant robots known as the Transformers™ to Iraq.
Aides to the president were vague as to when Mr. Bush arrived at his new Transformers™ strategy, but sources say that he devised the plan last week, shortly after a surprise visit to a multiplex in Bethesda, Maryland.
In announcing his new proposal, the president authorized an $85 billion defense contract to Hasbro, believed to be the largest military contract of its kind ever awarded to a toy company.
At a White House press conference, the president expressed his confidence that the Transformers™ would succeed where the Iraq government had failed.
"I'd like to see what would happen if al-Qaeda tried to attack one of our tanks, and instead the tank got up on its legs and turned out to be a robot and started shooting at them," Mr. Bush said. "That would be so cool."
But even as the president announced his new plan for victory in Iraq, congressional critics questioned the wisdom of dispatching Transformers™ to the war-torn nation.
"A tank that can turn into a giant robot is awesome, but it's not an exit strategy," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV).
Responding to his critics, Mr. Bush said that he would announce an exit strategy later this week after consulting with his newest advisor, J.K. Rowling.
"She has experience at ending things," Mr. Bush said.
Elsewhere, China announced plans to send a new brand of rat poison to the United States under the name "Delicious Cupcakes."
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.