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Bush Vetoes Candy for Babies

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In a move that seemed guaranteed to stir controversy, President Bush today vetoed a bill that would give candy to over four million babies.

With one stroke of a pen, Mr. Bush vetoed the Candy for Babies Act, a law that would have expanded candy benefits to America's hungriest babies.

At the White House, aides to the president said that Mr. Bush was "unconcerned" that his veto would create the impression that he was, in effect, taking candy from babies.

"Being president means making tough decisions," said White House press secretary Dana Perino. "If that means taking candy from babies, so be it."

Ms.. Perino said that the $3 billion saved by vetoing the Candy for Babies Act would be used for one of Mr. Bush's pet projects, a new program that would pay people to kick old ladies who are trying to cross the street.

The funding of the Kicking Old Ladies Act comes on the heels of another potentially unpopular move by the president, an executive order that would force puppies and kittens out of animal shelters and onto the streets in time for the winter.

In other White House news, President Bush responded to criticism of the Blackwater security firm by hiring a new firm to take over security in Iraq, a company called Bongwater.

"I met with the Bongwater folks and I liked them," he said. "They seemed a lot more laid back than Blackwater."

Elsewhere, Britney Spears said she regretted losing custody of her children "because I was just teaching them how to drive."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears at the 92nd St. Y in NYC on Nov. 7 with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington, and Mo Rocca. For tickets go to 92y.org.