Cheney's Doctors Detect Signs of Heart

In a stunning development that has confounded medical experts around the world, doctors examining Vice President Dick Cheney said today that they have detected signs of a heart.

The vice president was rushed to the hospital over the weekend after complaining of chest pains, but no one in Mr. Cheney's inner circle suspected that a human heart was the cause.

"We had been operating under the assumption that he didn't have one," said chief of staff David Addington, who said that Mr. Cheney also has not had a soul since 1995, when it was purchased by the Halliburton Corporation.

At George Washington University Hospital, doctors struggled to contain their excitement about what appeared to be the medical anomaly of the century: the sudden appearance of a human heart in a 66-year-old man.

"It is too early to say conclusively," said Dr. Carol Foyler, head of the team of doctors who examined the vice president. "But so far the beating and pumping sounds we are hearing in the vice president's chest cavity are very much consisten with his having a heart."

Dr. Foyler stressed that if the sounds emanating from Mr. Cheney's chest are those of a human heart, "This will contradict everything we thought we knew about Dick Cheney."

At the White House, spokesperson Dana Perino said that the sudden appearance of a heart in Dick Cheney's chest had motivated President Bush to schedule an MRI of his head.

Elsewhere, Sen. Edward Kennedy (D-Mass) said that writing his memoirs would be "challenging," adding, "I can't even remember what I did last night."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport

Comments

[Spookcatcher]

Has anybody else noted how long a blog on this commentary is taking to get past the censors? It is now 3:16 a.am.EST. and only one blog from 9:16 pm.EST has been allowed to be posted, including one of mine from early in the evening! However my other blogs on other commentaries are posting in a timely fashion! (Huffpost just hung up on me, so let's see if I can get it to hang long enough in the system to get it posted)

[marko77]

I don't know about a heart, but Cheney certainly has lived a charmed life:

-How does a guy who received 5 draft deferments and then said he had "other priorities" that kept him from fighting in Vietnam become The Secretary of Defense?? That's a hoot!!!! And then Vice President???? It's a joke, right? I wish!!

[Ani]

Ah, Mr. Borowitz. If only the doctors were right about Mr. Cheney's heart and Mr. Bush's head. But alas ........

Although, Mr. Kennedy .... But again, I'm left without proper words.

[jont191]

what a joke. this mfer doesnt have a heart. if he does i cant wait until it gets tired.

[TRYKER]

Is Dick testing the waters for an early retirement?
With this radical news that he indeed does have a heart, then he will retire very soon. If he doesn't skidaddle, we'll assume the heart report is false.

[wmbear]

YEAH, CHENEY'S "HEART CONDITION"­...

Is that he actually HAS one, buried deep down in there somewhere if you look hard enough. (Cheney probably had to be told by doctors that it was not something they could remove, like an appendix..­..)

[dolphy]

It can't be. The lowest scums of the earth have a heart but not this one.

[Spookcatcher]

I really believe that Dick Cheney has a secret (not so secret) death wish to be in the Vice President's Office working when he keels over. That really may not be a bad strategy. If we can get a Nuremburg Style or Hague Prosecution started on this Administration he probably won't be afforded near the amount of praise for his "service" (gag) or his achievements recounted as favorably in the future, when he is out from his well guarded existence in Office. There is enough Cronies that still follow his orders like lapdogs and in powerful positions that can propagandize him very nicely "at this particular juncture" that could present for him a great service..

[CAPTAINSKIPPY]

Nominating Andy Borowitz as ghostwriter for Karl Rove. Cheney with a heart - such an obvious lie!

[Driver125]

Demand a second opinion.

[AnotherMcIntosh]

Call Ripley!