China Says It's 'Too Late' To Recall Huge Shipment of Turkeys

Officials from a major food exporter in China apologized to American consumers today for shipping over 70 million poisonous turkeys to the U.S. early last week, but indicated that it was "too late" for a recall of their toxic food product.

A spokesman for the Wuhan Food Exportation Company said that while the company "deeply regretted" the shipment, the error was not discovered until Friday morning, making a recall of the birds "virtually impossible."

"It would be problematic to recall such a massive shipment," the spokesman said. "Those turkeys were sent to virtually every store in the U.S."

At a press conference on Saturday to discuss what went wrong with the shipment of turkeys, Wuhan officials revealed that the birds had been fed an experimental combination of birdseed, lead pellets, and date-rape drugs.

"Going forward, we're going to skip the lead pellets," said Qiu Liangyong, the company's public relations director.

In an attempt to regain the confidence of the American consumer, Qiu said that in the future all turkeys shipped to the U.S. would include a warning label, but under tough questioning from reporters he conceded that the label would be printed in Chinese.

At the conclusion of the press conference, Qiu indicated that he was "confident" that the company could regain U.S. consumers' trust in time for the Christmas season: "We have 80 million delicious Christmas hams just waiting to be shipped."

Elsewhere, President Bush praised Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf for announcing that he would quit the army, adding, "When I quit the National Guard I didn't even give them notice."

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He hosts an all-new edition of "Next Week's News" starring Amy Sedaris. John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Christian Finnegan (VH1's Best Week Ever) at Comix on Thursday January 17 at 8 PM. Comix is located at 353 West 14th Street, just east of Ninth Avenue. For tickets, call 212-524-2500 or go to comixny.com. For a $5 discount, use the promotional code ANDY.

Comments

[vginger]

SORRY TO BE SO DENSE BUT IS THIS FOR REAL?
THE ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN BY A COMIC ...IS HE JESTING?
IF...BY SOME CRAZY REASON...THIS IS TRUE...ARE WE AMERICANS FREAKIN CRAZY!!!!
TURKEYS AND HAM FROM CHINA...NO...ITS JUST TO NUTS...IT MUST BE A JOKE..TELL ME ITS A JOKE. V.

[FreedomCorpse]

Indeed. Even such intellectual economic theory giants like Paul Krugman and George Bush think alike about free trade...if someone eats enough of the turkey that's what happens.

[escobar]

Where do they sell those? WalMart?!!
It would be healthier to eat your, "Made in Vietnam" sneakers that anything from China!
I gotta say..
THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A BETTER TIME TO STOP EATING MEAT!!!

[JScott]

Seems kinda silly to get turkeys from China but I guess price rules over all....sadly.

[Maschine]

Where am i gonna get my daily dose of Lead??????



Whats this country coming to?

[Ohioan4truth]

Where do I return the pellets from my turkey to get a refund? I'm sure they could recycle them into the Valentine candy I'm expecting to buy soon! What ingeniuous ideas the Chinese have in regards to reuse! Happy chewing....

[Sidewhispers]

Due to a severe shortage of lead in China, many of our favorite products will be off the shelf next year. On the lighter side, Chinese scientists are working hard to turn yak manure into eggnog in time for the oh-seven market.

[Sidewhispers]

In spite of all of this from the Chinese, Butterball announced it will be outsourcing its 2008 crop of turklings to China. The company assured the American consumer that it will only allow the Chinese to perform the ball buttering part.

[shanghaislim]

or e.coli tainted strawberries

or Mad Cow Disease

or recalls of SUVS and other US Auto death traps.

mine disasters.....same as China

shall I continue???

[shanghaislim]

...and let us not forget all the deaths from e.coli tainted spinach last year

or

Dole lettuce.

Shut America until you clean your own house!

[The Collinbrandt]

The Bushlovites care nothing for the American people and our gutless Congress doesn't impeach Bush. This potential killing of millions of Americans by the Bushlovics is reason enough to at least impeach Bush. Neil Bush helped negotiate the importation of all these poision products into our country and Evil Bush One and Evil Bush Two both smirk at the thought of the dead and dying underclasses. Perhaps the big five media organizations need to be siezed since they refuse to cover and instead coverup the Bushlovic crimes. The five bosses that run them along with the rest of the Bushlovicks should be deported on a slow boat to China. Sending China all our creeps in exchange for the poision food seems a fair trade. We'd be getting the better deal.

[americaforme]

The chinese are so very creative In fattening up the Birds. We live in a transparnt world. They think we are a mindless mass of consumers. They pulled out the stops on this one...We are playing mind games with the best.Remember the Chinese puzzel you got after dinner at the restraunt-push your finger in and you cant get it out...Fortune cookies to get your mind off the bill....Beware of messing around with americans,one dosen't want to stir the pot too Hard.

[AlButerol]

Maybe that was one of the turkeys that escaped from the whitehouse and went on the killing spree? That would certainly explain the unusually rambunctious behavior of a normally peaceful bird species. Either that or the Hitchcock prophecy has come true.

[Tankan]

Well that's it! No more Chinese take away's for me! Lead pellets I could stomach, but I draw the line at drugs!

[SolarPowerGuy]

Ow, ow, OW! That was wicked satire. Unlike your recent Hillary Clinton "paper or plastic" article, however, I was on to you this time.