Comcast to America: Watch Leno or We'll Cut Off Your Cable

12/03/2009 08:08 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) - In the first example of the kind of synergy viewers can come to expect in the wake of Comcast's acquisition of NBC, the cable giant warned viewers today that if they do not start watching The Jay Leno Show immediately they can expect their cable service to be shut off.

"If you want to watch The Closer, Burn Notice and all the other shows you enjoy on cable, you better start holding your nose and watching Leno," said Comcast spokesperson Carol Foyler. "If that sounds like a threat, that's because it is."

Ms. Foyler said that Comcast customers who do not "cooperate" with the Leno edict can expect their cable service to be interrupted, "and a Comcast service representative will be at your house to fix it between the hours of twelve and never."

In a related story, just hours after Comcast revealed that NBC chief Jeff Zucker would be retained to head up the joint venture, Satan confirmed that he had acquired Mr. Zucker's soul in early 2002. More here.