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Conversation with a Superdelegate

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-- Hello?
-- Doug, my man, is that you? Glad I caught you, buddy! You've had your voicemail on the past few days. Hillary and I have been worried sick.
-- I told you to stop calling me.
-- What? That's a fairy tale.
-- The last time we talked, right before I hung up on you, I said, "Stop calling me here."
-- Doug, when you said that, you were in your bedroom, weren't you?
-- Yes, I was in my bedroom. You called me at two A.M. But I don't --
-- and you're not in your bedroom now, are you? I hear a coffee maker. You're in your kitchen now, aren't you, Doug? So when you said, "Stop calling me here," I naturally assumed you meant, "Don't call me in my bedroom, but the other rooms in my house are fine." It depends on the meaning of "here" I hear.
-- I'm changing my phone number.
-- Hillary can do that for you.
-- What?
-- Hillary can change your number. She's been making change for thirty-five years. Now, when it comes to calling Verizon customer service and getting your number changed, who do you trust, someone who's been a change agent for thirty-five years or someone who's been making viral videos with the Black Eyed Peas?
-- I don't --
-- Now, I've got nothing against the Black Eyed Peas. I like the girl, what do they call her, Fergie? She's hot. I like that song that she does about her humps, and what she's gonna do with that junk, all that junk inside her trunk. Her humps, her humps, her humps, her lovely lady bumps. But she's not even in the video Barack made, and when you make a video with the Black Eyed Peas I think you owe it to the American people to let them know right up front that the hot girl with the lovely lady bumps isn't going to be in it, so that people won't waste their time freeze-framing it.
-- I...
-- Let's say you, Hillary, and Barack are on a life raft in the middle of shark-infested waters. And Hillary offers you a life preserver and Barack offers you a line of blow. Who would you vote for?
-- I have to take my kids to school.
-- Hillary will take them.
-- What?
-- She'll be over there in ten minutes.
-- She doesn't know where I live.
-- Sure, she does. We drove by your house last night.
-- You drove by my house?
-- We were hoping to chat with you. By the way, the drainpipe in the back needs fixing. It kind of separates from the house when you try to shimmy up it.
-- I'm getting a restraining order.
-- No, you're not, Doug. Hillary's going to drive your kids to school, and then you and I are going to sit down and have ourselves a nice little talk. Let's say you were stranded on a desert island. Who would you choose to help you survive: someone who had thirty-five years of experience making real change on Day One, or someone who spent his high school years surfing and sucking on a giant bong?
-- [click].

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, He is the host of "Countdown to '08" at the 92nd Street Y on Tuesday, May 13 at 8 PM with his special guests Susie Essman (HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm) and Jeffrey Toobin (CNN, bestselling author of The Nine. For tickets, go to