Craig: I Will Not Blow This Job

Less than one week after announcing his intention to resign from office, embattled Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) changed course today, telling reporters in Washington, "I will not blow this job."

Over the past few days, there had been whispers in Republican circles that Sen. Craig had, in the words of one of the Idaho senator's associates, "pulled out too early."

"At the end of the day, Larry does not want to blow this job," the associate said. "He will do whatever it takes to win back the support of his constituents, even if it means getting down on his knees."

Another associate of Sen. Craig's agreed that the Idaho senator announced his intention to vacate his Senate seat too hastily: "I think Larry now feels that to leave office on September 30 would be a premature evacuation."

Sen. Craig got a key vote of support from Sen. Arlen Specter (R-Penn), who held a press conference at the Senate today to call the charges against the Idaho senator a "bum rap."

But even as Sen. Craig picked up the support of Sen. Specter, a source close to the Republican caucus indicated that most Republicans are "backing away" from Sen. Craig.

For his part, Sen. Craig told reporters that he would take whatever steps are necessary to find favor with his Republican colleagues: "I will absolutely bend over backwards."

Elsewhere, after a B-52 pilot flew over several U.S. states carrying nuclear warheads, the Air Force said that it would discontinue its use of Mapquest.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears with Arianna Huffington and Mo Rocca at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on Wednesday Nov 7 at 8 PM. For tickets go to 9ty.org.

Comments

[desertdweller]

I can't help but think of the hundreds, wait, thousands, of Craig's republican colleagues that have shaken his right hand over the years and are now thinking about where it's been.

[RobertPaul]

As the FDIC has always said "Severe penalties for early withdrawal!"

"Nuff said?

[MHainds]

Are we keeping track here? How long can the GOP keep up this pace before there is no one left to come out of the closet/stall/john???

I really want the GOP to continue campaigning on family values and promising not to let homosexuals (GOP Congressmen?) marry other homosexuals (GOP Congressmen).

If it weren't for Iraq, the GOP would be the funniest show in history!

[ipitombi]

Andy, you are the best. Keep it up.

[akoop]

Andy-you make the burden tolerable. My friends in Boise tell me Larry may 'switch' positions again unless his support 'stiffens'.

[Kuyper]

As a life-long dyed-in-the-wool yellow-dog gay liberal Democrat, I encourage Larry Craig to fight it out all this year and the next. Don't give up, Larry. Don't give in. And above all, don't resign your Senate seat. We're all (you should forgive the expression) behind you. So ignore the advice of your wussy Republican collegues. You show 'em, Larry. Be a mensch. Stand tall and tell the world "I'm a Republican hypocrite, and I'm proud!" We look forward to seeing you campaign for reelection.

[drjay79]

trotting out his kids to defend him was beyond belief, made him even more sleezy

[Indiana]

Q. If Larry Craig were a character on the old TV show "The Waltons," which one would he be?

A. John-Boy

[Democrab]

I rike you, you make me raff.

However I don't think Larry wants to split the party.
Therefore he will retire and probably put his efforts into the oral majority as a privates citizen.
He'll go down, definitely, into the anals of Grand Old Potty history as a sacreligious lamb so the tough guys can continue to rattle those republican sabers and gaybash till the cows come.

[MonsterSound]

LOL! Craig now says the Police Officer's version of the story is hard to swallow.

[ReasonIsMyReligion]

... that cute COP on the other hand...

[oldpotsmuggler]

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 07, 2006
Sex Scandal
Gee! A Republican legislator is caught trying to get his hands down the pants of a teenage boy. What a surprise.

The surprise is not that he is a Republican, a pervert, or gay. The surprise is that people are still able to get outraged at behavior like this.

Come on folks. They're politicians for god sakes! Of course they're perverts. Power really only comes after drugs and money as an aphrodisiac. In addition the people who make the rules always feel that they are above the rest of us.

Unfortunately politicians are also a necessary evil. The key here is just not to expect too much from them. We need to try to turn our eyes away from as many of their transgressions as we can, and they at least need to try not to get caught. All told, the fewer expectations we have of these folks, the less disappointment, outrage, etc. we'll feel towards them. Vote them in or out for their politics, and try to pay as little other attention to them as possible. Otherwise, they'll really make you crazy.

The advantage of a system like that is at least we could avoid a lot of the hypocrisy. The less we expect of politicians, the less they'll have to lie and tell us what wonderful people they are.
POSTED BY OLDPOTSMUGGLER AT 4:50 PM

[indypete]

True, it's not like it's something new. Personally, I expect the worst from anybody in a position of power and usually find I'm right. If only the buggers would be honest enough to say, "Yeah, I'm into (insert deviation here), live with it." Right from the get-go, it would be easier to... er... swallow. (Sorry... couldn't stay serious that long!)

[jvarga]

People looked at me at work because I started laughing out loud.

[anotherbozo]

Somewhere up there Rodney Dangerfield (and Richard Pryor, and Sam Kiniston, and...Lenny Bruce) is smiling! Andy, I, for one, fell off the damn chair. Thanks.

[NoContest]

Craig, the Senator from the great logging state of Idaho reminded his constituants that he will keep an open mind and a limber timber and he will be a hard man to beat.