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Dean Reassures Democrats: 'We Will Find a Way to Screw This Up'

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Amid a growing belief that there is no way the Democrats can blow the 2008 presidential election, Democratic National Committee chief Howard Dean sought today to reassure the party faithful that the party was "doing everything in its power" to uphold its losing tradition.

At a top-level summit called "Defeat: 2008" being held in Boston, the former Vermont Governor gave a rousing speech to concerned Democrats, bringing his audience to his feet by vowing, "I can assure each and every one of you, we will find a way to screw this up."

With President Bush's approval rating below thirty percent and none of the Republican presidential contenders stirring the public's imagination, many Democrats have been worried that their historic role as losers and sad sacks might come to an abrupt end in 2008, a fear Mr. Dean attempted to quell today.

"Folks, let's not forget, we're Democrats," Mr. Dean said. "If there's a way to lose, we will find it."

Carol Foyler, a longtime Democrat from Bethesda, Maryland who attended the summit, said that she had been worried that the Democrats might somehow pull out a victory in 2008, but added, "Just knowing that Howard Dean is in charge makes me feel much more confident about losing."

Elsewhere, after a study by the Georgetown School of Medicine said that millions of dollars are wasted on unnecessary medical tests, the American Medical Association said that there might be something wrong with the author of the study and he should come in for a checkup immediately.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com. He appears with Alec Baldwin, Arianna Huffington and Mo Rocca at the 92nd Street Y in NYC on Wednesday Nov 7 at 8 PM. For tickets go to 92y.org.