DETROIT (The Borowitz Report) - General Motors' decision today to stop manufacturing Hummers has struck at the heart of the group who loved the vehicles most: America's assholes.
Across the nation, leading assholes spoke of a sense of loss and sadness caused by the decision, and suggested that they would now be searching for new ways to compensate for their small penises.
Tracy Klugian, a realtor in Tempe, Arizona, said that he would consider buying a boat with an annoyingly loud sound system, "but it just won't say 'asshole' like a Hummer does."
Mr. Klugian, whose penis has been described as "microscopic," also questioned the timing of GM's decision.
"Right now, the Hummer is the only thing on the road capable of stopping a Toyota," he said. More here.
Follow Andy Borowitz on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BorowitzReport